Ask Jonny

[OldBlueLady]

Dear OBL,

From reading your letter to Uncle Jonny, it would appear that you have not given your consent. This would mean that you have been cyber-raped & this is a serious crime!! I suggest you report this to the SZ police & let the guilty parties be suitably punished!

Hope this helps a little bit.

TBS

Dear TBS

Being as one of the perpetrators is an owner and another a mod, that presents certain difficulties.

I don't feel violated though, should I?

Worryingly

OBL

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Dear TBS

Being as one of the perpetrators is an owner and another a mod, that presents certain difficulties.

I don't feel violated though, should I?

Worryingly

OBL

Careful..........if you continue you could end up with a life time ban!!!

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Dear TBS

Being as one of the perpetrators is an owner and another a mod, that presents certain difficulties.

I don't feel violated though, should I?

Worryingly

OBL

Dear OBL,

If you don't feel violated, then I guess one of them must be called Justin?!! They're obviously just "little" boys! Tell their Mums & they will have their legs slapped & then sent to bed without any tea!! Also, I wouldn't worry who they are, they all answer to their Mummys.

Hoping this helps a little!

TBS

 

[Dave of the Match]

Dear Johnny

will you please vote for me in new mod section?

kthxbai


[suckup](P.S. good thread)[/suckup]

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Jonny,

Thank you for some very good advice, I wonder what the feck I am doing up here every day as well.

I would have serious doubts that the wife's old banger would make it..... and she named it Betsy.....so what does that tell you!!!

Dear Aberdeen Shrimper,

Remember it's more important that the wife goes like the clappers and the car has a breakdown rather than the other way round.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

It seems that certain people on here have been having "cyber sex" with me.

To be honest I didn't notice anything, so would you have suggestions for me or for them to improve things?

Yours

OBL

Dear OBL,

I hope you get subtle subtext.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny

will you please vote for me in new mod section?

kthxbai


[suckup](P.S. good thread)[/suckup]

Dear Dave of the Match,

No, there are enough fawning, leftie namby pamby suck ups amongst the Mods already.Vote me. Or, failing that, vote Rusty.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Sean 2]

Dear Johnny,

Why are you such a ****?



Is it just the Orient thing?:)

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny,

Why are you such a ****?



Is it just the Orient thing?:)

Dear shrimp and two veg,


Yes.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Sean 2]

QUOTE=Jonny_Stokes;912738]Dear shrimp and two veg,


Yes.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x[/QUOTE]

:clap::clap::clap: Doths cap..

 

[The General]

Dear Jonny,

When is that Freddy Eastwood fella going to start scoring again!?

Kev

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

When is that Freddy Eastwood fella going to start scoring again!?

Kev

Dear Kev,

Freddy Eastwood is a quality player... at League One level. As I swear I've mentioned before on another thread, the man lacks pace. In fact, he lacks any outanding physical attributes at all (weak in the air, not strong, only fair acceleration), and has to rely on his footballing brain (average at best) and finishing prowess (undeniably excellent).

When you look at successful strikers in the Championship (Ebanks-Blake, Doyle, Beattie [yes, I know he's moved], even the likes of Adebola and that arsehole Clinton Morrison) they are all far better all-round players with at least one more outstanding attribute than Freddy.

You can draw comparisons with Adam Boyd, who is an outstandingly gifted footballer, but wasn't good enough at any of the above-named attributes to be a success in the division. You could even say the same for fatty fatty boom boom Trundle.

To 'make it' at a higher level as just a 'finisher', you have to be outstanding. Eastwood, Southend hero (rightly) or otherwise, is no Kevin Phillips. He'll be stuck at a level in between the two divisions (a la Huckerby from Premiership->Championship) for the remainder of his career, I reckon.


In short: Not until it's too late for you. Cough up, Sunshine ;)


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Southend_Lady]

Dear Johnny

I recently pledged "blowies all round" to the whole Southend United first team if they are to win 5-0 on Saturday as a motivational thought of some kind on a thread in Chit-Chat. What with the last two home wins and perhaps a 3rd tonight, I am somewhat concerned that we will go to Colchester on Saturday and romp home 5-0.

Is there anything you could suggest to prepare myself for the task that might lie ahead of myself?

Many thanks.

Southend Lady.

 

[OldBlueLady]

Can imagine the type of response you're going to get!

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny

I recently pledged "blowies all round" to the whole Southend United first team if they are to win 5-0 on Saturday as a motivational thought of some kind on a thread in Chit-Chat. What with the last two home wins and perhaps a 3rd tonight, I am somewhat concerned that we will go to Colchester on Saturday and romp home 5-0.

Is there anything you could suggest to prepare myself for the task that might lie ahead of myself?

Many thanks.

Southend Lady.

Dear Southend Lady,


Did you know that I'm actually Adam Barrett?


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Southend_Lady]

Afternoon Missus,

From what I can tell, I think you've had years of practice already. It should just be like an average weekday..

Hope this helps.

Kind Regards

While I won't deny that I am top quality crumpet, I can't say that this is a daily occurance for me.

If you want to provide me with a blank canvas to practice on Tarques then please PM me.

Many thanks.

 

[Southend_Lady]

Dear Southend Lady,


Did you know that I'm actually Adam Barrett?


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Great well in that case if we go 5-0 up perhaps you could slip me an own goal to null and void this bet.

Ta.

 

[canveyshrimper]

Dear Johnny

I recently pledged "blowies all round" to the whole Southend United first team if they are to win 5-0 on Saturday as a motivational thought of some kind on a thread in Chit-Chat. What with the last two home wins and perhaps a 3rd tonight, I am somewhat concerned that we will go to Colchester on Saturday and romp home 5-0.

Is there anything you could suggest to prepare myself for the task that might lie ahead of myself?

Many thanks.

Southend Lady.

Dear Southend Lady,

I would suggest an immediate purchase of an industrial strength size mouthwash. If you wear dentures remove them, as you can't beat a gummy gobble.;) I would also write to each of the players and ask them to consume nothing but pineapple juice, as this so I am told makes the end product taste better. I would also ask them to avoid any extra curricular activity this week as this may impair the flow.

Good luck.

Marjorie Proops.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Great well in that case if we go 5-0 up perhaps you could slip me an own goal to null and void this bet.

Ta.

Dear Southend Lady,


I will certainly try to slip you one, but we're not playing Borient, so it may prove difficult.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[OldBlueLady]

Dear Southend Lady,

I would suggest an immediate purchase of an industrial strength size mouthwash. If you wear dentures remove them, as you can't beat a gummy gobble.;) I would also write to each of the players and ask them to consume nothing but pineapple juice, as this so I am told makes the end product taste better. I would also ask them to avoid any extra curricular activity this week as this may impair the flow.

Good luck.

Marjorie Proops.

How do you know that about pineapple juice?! :stunned: Pretty random fact!