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Ask Jonny

Forums New posts
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I can't think of a single good reason for you to go and watch those ****ing pathetic, talentless ****s on Saturday, other than the fact that it's what you always do, and probably always will until your spiv scum Chairman closes the club down and builds a housing estate instead. I have no sympathy for you as you really should have known better than to leave that excellent cosy pub and go to the game in a snowstorm, knowing in advance that they were going to be useless and lose. If only your dad had taken you to Southend instead, you would have just enjoyed beating Leeds United. Life's a bitch.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
 
Jonny_Stokes said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am a pretty committed supporter of a ****ing useless football team. Usually I don't mind them being useless, as it's what I've come to expect over the years, but at the moment I've even stopped enjoying going. The ropey old ground I used to know and love has been replaced with a soulless, ugly matchbox, the chairman is a thieving chancer, the manager has lost the plot and the team are a feckless shower of gutless ****s. Why the **** should I bother going to watch them on Sauturday?

Regards,

Uncle Jonny
Click to expand...

Jonny,

Can i suggest you search your heart and search your soul, it seems like you have fallen out of love with them and possibly fallen in love with another.

Maybe it is time to follow your heart......and get your *** down the Hall on Saturday.

;)
 
this thread has had me chuckling for ages...well done everyone who contributed, and pleeeaassee, keep it going
 
Dear Jonny

There is a nasty rumour that your my leaning post can you please elaborate?

Love TB
 
TrueBlue said:
Dear Jonny

There is a nasty rumour that your my leaning post can you please elaborate?

Love TB
Click to expand...

Dear TrueBlue,

This rumour abounds because you used me as a leaning post in The Spread Eagle after the Southend-Orient league game. I was more than happy to oblige, as sometimes a chap needs the support of those that love him dearly when he has slightly over-indulged in alcoholic beverages. I was also pleased to note that you have quite a manly handshake, as you can never trust a gentleman that doesn't.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
 
Jonny_Stokes said:
Dear TrueBlue,

This rumour abounds because you used me as a leaning post in The Spread Eagle after the Southend-Orient league game. I was more than happy to oblige, as sometimes a chap needs the support of those that love him dearly when he has slightly over-indulged in alcoholic beverages. I was also pleased to note that you have quite a manly handshake, as you can never trust a gentleman that doesn't.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
Click to expand...

Bugger you came in like a stealth fighter into our pub while I was off my face shook my hand I never even knew it was you!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
 
Dear Uncle Jonny,
I find myself in somewhat of a quandry and was wondering if you could offer me any sage advice.
I went on a blind date at the weekend.
As it turned out the piece I met was nothing special, but had a giant rack which I spent most of the evening talking to. Unfortunately I had rather too much to drink and chucked up over the poor cow's shoes.
Still, I must have made a good impression as I ended up back at her gaff, doing her up the chuffer.
Once we'd finished, I told her that she was a bit of a moose and I wouldn't be interested in her any more. This seemed to upset her greatly so I left.

My queston to you is - Should I go back to hers and pinch her motor, as it looked like it was worth a few bob?

Kind Regards
TF
 
Tarquin Fauntleroy said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,
I find myself in somewhat of a quandry and was wondering if you could offer me any sage advice.
I went on a blind date at the weekend.
As it turned out the piece I met was nothing special, but had a giant rack which I spent most of the evening talking to. Unfortunately I had rather too much to drink and chucked up over the poor cow's shoes.
Still, I must have made a good impression as I ended up back at her gaff, doing her up the chuffer.
Once we'd finished, I told her that she was a bit of a moose and I wouldn't be interested in her any more. This seemed to upset her greatly so I left.

My queston to you is - Should I go back to hers and pinch her motor, as it looked like it was worth a few bob?

Kind Regards
TF
Click to expand...

Steal her motor then cum all over her seats then return it with a box of trout in the boot
 
Tarquin Fauntleroy said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,
I find myself in somewhat of a quandry and was wondering if you could offer me any sage advice.
I went on a blind date at the weekend.
As it turned out the piece I met was nothing special, but had a giant rack which I spent most of the evening talking to. Unfortunately I had rather too much to drink and chucked up over the poor cow's shoes.
Still, I must have made a good impression as I ended up back at her gaff, doing her up the chuffer.
Once we'd finished, I told her that she was a bit of a moose and I wouldn't be interested in her any more. This seemed to upset her greatly so I left.

My queston to you is - Should I go back to hers and pinch her motor, as it looked like it was worth a few bob?

Kind Regards
TF
Click to expand...

Dear Tarquin,

I'd advise against stealing her motor, if only because she currently has at least two versions of your DNA on her clothing and/or tertiary point of entry*. This will probably allow Plod to eventually make the link between you and the motor, once they have exhausted every line of enquiry involving whichever ethnic minority they have a downer on this month.

Then there is the problem of actually getting caught red-handed in the act by her. I'm not entirely sure she will be accommodating towards any suggestion that you 'make it up to her', as she'll probably have someone else upstairs already.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x


*Yes, I'm proud of that one
 
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I need some advice. Me and my missus get bugger all holidays each year because of work and uni. We went away last January for a week, and said we would try and make this an annual thing. With the FA Cup draw however, I am quite concerned as Southend have a great chance of making round 3 - and I would be quite gutted to miss out on a glamour tie.

What should I do? And before you ask, no, she would not consider our holiday to take place in Essex. As continental and lovely as it is mind you.

Much thanks,

Ant. x
 
Dear Uncle Jonny,

Why do I have a prat as a mate, texting me at approximately 3.57 this morning, then when I get up this morning, check my phone and wonder that something is seriously up. When texting back, he cannot remember what the hell he sent, as he was severely under the influence of booze. Shall I tell him to feck off, or shall I let him off as this was another one of his drunken sessions?

Ta.

Hils.
 
Vange Shrimper said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

Why do I have a prat as a mate, texting me at approximately 3.57 this morning, then when I get up this morning, check my phone and wonder that something is seriously up. When texting back, he cannot remember what the hell he sent, as he was severely under the influence of booze. Shall I tell him to feck off, or shall I let him off as this was another one of his drunken sessions?

Ta.

Hils.
Click to expand...

My money is it was Hutton being pathetic and love sick as per usual!

am I right?
 
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am a straight man and love women and enjoy sex with women and just women in general, but whenever I am in the men's showers I can't help but look at other blokes penis's does this make me gay? ;)

Kind Regards
Ricey
 
Ricey said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am a straight man and love women and enjoy sex with women and just women in general, but whenever I am in the men's showers I can't help but look at other blokes penis's does this make me gay? ;)

Kind Regards
Ricey
Click to expand...

Dear Ricey

Jonny can't be here right now as I have bound and gagged him then thoroughly bum diddled him but what I can tell you is no it does not make you gay just makes you Fernando Alonso

Love
True Sex God Blue
 
Irish_Shrimper said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I need some advice. Me and my missus get bugger all holidays each year because of work and uni. We went away last January for a week, and said we would try and make this an annual thing. With the FA Cup draw however, I am quite concerned as Southend have a great chance of making round 3 - and I would be quite gutted to miss out on a glamour tie.

What should I do? And before you ask, no, she would not consider our holiday to take place in Essex. As continental and lovely as it is mind you.

Much thanks,

Ant. x
Click to expand...

Dear Ant,

Considering Southend's comedy home record in cup competitions this season, I think it's advisable to make plans which don't include footy. More to the point, if you do get there, the chances of you getting a glamour tie are approximately 8/1. So sod that, keep the missus happy and head for sunnier climes. Mombasa will be bloody lovely at that time of year.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
 
Vange Shrimper said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

Why do I have a prat as a mate, texting me at approximately 3.57 this morning, then when I get up this morning, check my phone and wonder that something is seriously up. When texting back, he cannot remember what the hell he sent, as he was severely under the influence of booze. Shall I tell him to feck off, or shall I let him off as this was another one of his drunken sessions?

Ta.

Hils.
Click to expand...

Dear Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange,

Sorry, I can't answer your question right now, as I've got a bit of a headache.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
 
Ricey said:
Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am a straight man and love women and enjoy sex with women and just women in general, but whenever I am in the men's showers I can't help but look at other blokes penis's does this make me gay? ;)

Kind Regards
Ricey
Click to expand...

Dear Ricey,

I have loosed my bonds especially to answer you. I am, however, going to have to do the consultation standing up.

As I assume that you're not currently roped to a large item of flora, I'm going to have to declare you a benny on the loose. Run! Run for your lives!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x
 
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