Ask Jonny

[Ricey]

Dear Ricey,

I have loosed my bonds especially to answer you. I am, however, going to have to do the consultation standing up.

As I assume that you're not currently roped to a large item of flora, I'm going to have to declare you a benny on the loose. Run! Run for your lives!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

LMAO!! Brilliant...

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

How are you able to keep that mostrous political sig? ;)

Love Webby x

Dear Webby,

Head Mod, Lord Matt of Shrimperingtonshire, is a secret political donor of his multi-millions to The Monster Raving Looney Party. This is because he once enjoyed an illicit romantic liaison with ex-OMRLP Chaircat, Cat Mandu, and is attempting to prevent The Sunday Sport publishing the story by going on the campaign trail for the Loons. With this in mind, he blackmailed me into having that abomination on my signature, under threat of a date with OBL.

However, I will be silent no more! I am no longer a patsy of the very-much-real-and-in-no-way-imagined-by-those-who-knowingly-make-invariably-unpopular-comments-and-then-moan-when-people disagree Clique! I have personally chosen to take the signature picture off, and will take my chances with the Sith/Mods. Bring it, you lefty scum pansies!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Dear Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange,

Sorry, I can't answer your question right now, as I've got a bit of a headache.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

What a surprise. The man is a fool, I tell you :p

 

[sufc_girl]

Dear Webby,

Head Mod, Lord Matt of Shrimperingtonshire, is a secret political donor of his multi-millions to The Monster Raving Looney Party. This is because he once enjoyed an illicit romantic liaison with ex-OMRLP Chaircat, Cat Mandu, and is attempting to prevent The Sunday Sport publishing the story by going on the campaign trail for the Loons. With this in mind, he blackmailed me into having that abomination on my signature, under threat of a date with OBL.

However, I will be silent no more! I am no longer a patsy of the very-much-real-and-in-no-way-imagined-by-those-who-knowingly-make-invariably-unpopular-comments-and-then-moan-when-people disagree Clique! I have personally chosen to take the signature picture off, and will take my chances with the Sith/Mods. Bring it, you lefty scum pansies!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

:D very good

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Dear Webby,

Head Mod, Lord Matt of Shrimperingtonshire, is a secret political donor of his multi-millions to The Monster Raving Looney Party. This is because he once enjoyed an illicit romantic liaison with ex-OMRLP Chaircat, Cat Mandu, and is attempting to prevent The Sunday Sport publishing the story by going on the campaign trail for the Loons. With this in mind, he blackmailed me into having that abomination on my signature, under threat of a date with OBL.

However, I will be silent no more! I am no longer a patsy of the very-much-real-and-in-no-way-imagined-by-those-who-knowingly-make-invariably-unpopular-comments-and-then-moan-when-people disagree Clique! I have personally chosen to take the signature picture off, and will take my chances with the Sith/Mods. Bring it, you lefty scum pansies!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Thanks Jonny, you truly are all knowing!!

 

[Irish_Shrimper]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am quite upset at the continued animosity between the writers of Ask Jonny and Ask Rusty. Can't you all be friends? Every day i bake myself a birthday cake, light up some candles, and then blow them out so i can use the power of birthday cake wishing to wish for you both to be bestest best friends.

Yours tearfully,

Ant

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am quite upset at the continued animosity between the writers of Ask Jonny and Ask Rusty. Can't you all be friends? Every day i bake myself a birthday cake, light up some candles, and then blow them out so i can use the power of birthday cake wishing to wish for you both to be bestest best friends.

Yours tearfully,

Ant

Dear Ant,

Just because mummy and daddy fight with each other, it doesn't mean that we don't love you. Parents often have little spats, which can be very upsetting for you kids. Just remember that it's hardly ever the child's fault.

However, in this case it is your fault, you little brat! :madman: Daddy Rusty wants you to go to fat camp to sort out all of your cake-related weight problems, but I think it's going to be too bad for your self esteem. Trust Daddy to go for the Nazi option, and me to be the yoghurt-knitting wooly liberal!

I just want you to be happy, Ant, so won't you try losing a little weight? Just for me? I don't want to keep picking you up from school wearing those big sunglasses - I think the other mums are starting to notice.

Love,

Mummy Jonny xxxxxxx

 

[Rusty Shackleford]

Daddy Rusty like cake. And pies.

 

[Cricko]

Dear Jonny , I unfortunately support a so called team in London who languish in league 1, yet I have close neighbours who seem to have tremendous results against premiership teams in the cup and always pull a "Plum" draw....what am I to do?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny , I unfortunately support a so called team in London who languish in league 1, yet I have close neighbours who seem to have tremendous results against premiership teams in the cup and always pull a "Plum" draw....what am I to do?

Dear Crack_O,

I assume you're a very miserable Charlton fan. You should try supporting Orient instead. We've knocked Chelsea out of the FA Cup twice, including coming from 2-0 down at Stamford Bridge to win 3-2. Don't worry too much - next year you'll be able to BE a plum draw... in the first round.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am quite upset at the continued animosity between the writers of Ask Jonny and Ask Rusty. Can't you all be friends? Every day i bake myself a birthday cake, light up some candles, and then blow them out so i can use the power of birthday cake wishing to wish for you both to be bestest best friends.

Yours tearfully,

Ant

Dear Ant,

Just because mummy and daddy fight with each other, it doesn't mean that we don't love you. Parents often have little spats, which can be very upsetting for you kids. Just remember that it's hardly ever the child's fault.

However, in this case it is your fault, you little brat! :madman: Daddy Rusty wants you to go to fat camp to sort out all of your cake-related weight problems, but I think it's going to be too bad for your self esteem. Trust Daddy to go for the Nazi option, and me to be the yoghurt-knitting wooly liberal!

I just want you to be happy, Ant, so won't you try losing a little weight? Just for me? I don't want to keep picking you up from school wearing those big sunglasses - I think the other mums are starting to notice.

Love,

Mummy Jonny xxxxxxx

Dear Son,

We told you eating all that faacking cake would give you stomach problems. I hope you've learned your lesson.

Love,

Mummy Jonny xxxxxxx

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

If only Irate Ian knew that this was the appropriate forum to discuss his issues with another complete egomaniac, rather than send naughty PMs. The surgery is open, luvvies (well, I need the cash).

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Dear Jonny

If you were to be travelling from where I live in Scotland to Southend on Thursday, would you choose to get up really early and leave around 3am or have a lay in and miss the rush hour traffic and what would be your preferred route?

Would you also recommend allowing the wife to drive the Focus as she is a relatively new driver and only used to her small old Nissan Micra?

Many Thanks

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

If you were to be travelling from where I live in Scotland to Southend on Thursday, would you choose to get up really early and leave around 3am or have a lay in and miss the rush hour traffic and what would be your preferd route?

Would you also recommend allowing the wife to drive the Focus as she is a relatively new driver and only used to her small old Nissan Micra?

Many Thanks

Dear Aberdeen Shrimper,

What on earth are you doing in Scotland in the first place? Even the Scots have more sense than to live there, and spend their remaining days littering the pavements and gutters of comparative utopias like Hull and Nottingham.
My advice on the mode of transport would be a removals van.

re: the other proposals the route is easy - start at Aberdeen and point down. For transport I suggest you combine the best of both worlds by letting the missus drive the Micra down as early as possible. You'll be able to have a lie-in in the passenger seat, you won't mind when she hits a bollard whilst trying to park at Leicester Forest East for your bacon sarnie and you'll get to civilisation (well, comparatively) in time for a pint or eight in my pub.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Dear Aberdeen Shrimper,

What on earth are you doing in Scotland in the first place? Even the Scots have more sense than to live there, and spend their remaining days littering the pavements and gutters of comparative utopias like Hull and Nottingham.
My advice on the mode of transport would be a removals van.

re: the other proposals the route is easy - start at Aberdeen and point down. For transport I suggest you combine the best of both worlds by letting the missus drive the Micra down as early as possible. You'll be able to have a lie-in in the passenger seat, you won't mind when she hits a bollard whilst trying to park at Leicester Forest East for your bacon sarnie and you'll get to civilisation (well, comparatively) in time for a pint or eight in my pub.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Jonny,

Thank you for some very good advice, I wonder what the feck I am doing up here every day as well.

I would have serious doubts that the wife's old banger would make it..... and she named it Betsy.....so what does that tell you!!!

 

[OldBlueLady]

Dear Jonny

It seems that certain people on here have been having "cyber sex" with me.

To be honest I didn't notice anything, so would you have suggestions for me or for them to improve things?

Yours

OBL

 

[pringlejon]

I would have serious doubts that the wife's old banger would make it..... and she named it Betsy.....so what does that tell you!!!

it's old, slow and is often the substitute car but when it's brought into use it tries it's best and if it's lucky you score with mrs AS in it!?

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Dear Jonny

It seems that certain people on here have been having "cyber sex" with me.

To be honest I didn't notice anything, so would you have suggestions for me or for them to improve things?

Yours

OBL

lol

Excellent

:D

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

it's old, slow and is often the substitute car but when it's brought into use it tries it's best and if it's lucky you score with mrs AS in it!?

Fair point mate

:cool:

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Dear Jonny

It seems that certain people on here have been having "cyber sex" with me.

To be honest I didn't notice anything, so would you have suggestions for me or for them to improve things?

Yours

OBL

Dear OBL,

From reading your letter to Uncle Jonny, it would appear that you have not given your consent. This would mean that you have been cyber-raped & this is a serious crime!! I suggest you report this to the SZ police & let the guilty parties be suitably punished!

Hope this helps a little bit.

TBS