Ask Jonny

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johny
Having piled on nearly 6Ib since christmas day and my Bi Polar disorder rearing its ugly head due to yesterdays stuffing by the "C.U (sorry cant say the whole team name) can you please advise as to what I can do if your side stuffs us on monday. Its just that the antidepressants are having little effect due to the amount of alchohol I am consuming and what with the terrets starting..............feck...feck....feeeeeeeeeeeeeeck..oooooooorf, to play a major part in my social life how the hell am I supposed to get my life life back together with only one kidney and bleeding piles?

Winkle.

Dear Winkle,

Glad that those useless c***s Orient solved your immediate problems.

You're right to state that alcohol can throw the effectiveness of anti-depressants, so I suggest taking them earlier on in the day, before you go on the lash. However, if you're only being treated with ADs for Bi-polar disorder and are suffering with the associated swings, I suggest that perhaps lithium or carbomazapine would be effective supplements to your current med combo.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johny fancy a pint in the coach and horses tomorrow? on me?

Dear True Blue,

Sorry I didn't see this at the time. I don't drink in the Coach I'm afraid, as it is a s***hole. Thanks for the offer though, and I'll be sure to take you up on it next time I come and run the Spread.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johny
Why did u travel down for the shrimpers trust quiz night u sad sad man?

Dear TWC,

Are you the same chap that lost his virginity to a prostitute? Just wondering. To answer your question, it was in order to grind Vaaaaaaaaaaaange's nose into the dust, which I skilfully managed by an entire half point (and the occasional spot of help from my cohorts).


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

ps. For future questions please address me like a human being, rather than a mobile phone. Punctuation is so underrated, isn't it?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny,

The bar-room bores in my local, The Exchange, keep saying the same joke when they hear Lady Gaga on the jukebox. "Poker Face? It's not her face I'd like to poke. Fnarr fnarr."

Where can I purchase a detailed sketch of a hermaphrodite so as to shut them up and make them confront their latent bisexuality. But mainly to shut the hell up.

I have already tried contacting Dagenham & Redbridge FC but they say that their squad pics are sold out and used as a fireguard to frighten the kids away on the Heathway. And Anne Widdecombe has already taken out that injunction.

Yours in the fridge.

Groyney

Dear Southchurch Groyney,

Here you are, young man:

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[OldBlueLady]

Dear OBL,

No, but I have installed a hearing loop at the reception desk, as well as a rack to hang your walking stick on.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Boo boo boo!!!

 

[Cricko]

Dear Johnny, what is your prediction for tomorrow nights game?

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

Are you responsible for the riots in London (being, presumably, a resident of a "Leyton slum") and, in any event, how would you propose to quell them?

Cheers,

MtS

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny, what is your prediction for tomorrow nights game?

Dear Cricko,

I have placed my entire life savings on a 1-1/Michael Richardson scorecast. If successful, I should be able to shut the surgery and go on the lash in the Thailand for the next three years, two months and 19 days. Ish. Hopefully I won't blow all my winnings on ladyboys (again), and I'll never have to re-open the surgery and treat the ills of all you mutants.

Love,

Lung Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

Are you responsible for the riots in London (being, presumably, a resident of a "Leyton slum") and, in any event, how would you propose to quell them?

Cheers,

MtS

Dear MtS,

Sorry, I was a little busy looting a bag of rice and putting a picture of it on Facebook to respond to your query timorously. I think you'll find that it was dem popo mandem bumbaclaats who were responsible for the civil unrest in our country's shining jewel of a capital. I, for one, would dissolve parliament and reinstate Brenda as sole arbiter of the nation. At least that wastegash knows when to hush her gums before she gets a shanking.

Love,

Uncle Jonny, innit. You gext me, blad? x

 

[MK Shrimper]

Dear Johnny.

Any good with fridges, notably the stuck type?

Yours,

(Not) Paul Hollywood.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny.

Any good with fridges, notably the stuck type?

Yours,

(Not) Paul Hollywood.

Dear MKS,

Fool me once with the doorstop, shame on me. Fool me twice with the pine marten, shame on me again. Fool me three times with the egg whisk... well, shame on me again. And probably shame on me for the bullfinch, the rolling pin, the mink, the kettle and the hedgehog. But you're not fooling me this time. I've told you at least twice that neither household appliances, nor woodland creatures are suitable rectal receptacles, and there's no way I'm hot-footing it over to Buckinghamshire to extricate it.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

ps. I haven't trapped that baby roe deer yet. Give me another week.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Good news! I’ve successfully served my six-year medical license suspension. I maintain my innocence and that I had no idea that the llama wanted the respirator for that reason. The surgery is OPEN (and just in the nick of time by the looks of things)...

 

[Rob Noxious]

Dear Jonny,

It's always a delight to see you back on the 'Zone, particularly with your personal thread.

I am curious to enquire how do you see the rest of the season shaping up for our two teams? And how would you see Jobi McAnuff's position with the O's shaping up for next season?

All the best from way out west.

Yours sincerely,

Rob Noxious

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

It's always a delight to see you back on the 'Zone, particularly with your personal thread.

I am curious to enquire how do you see the rest of the season shaping up for our two teams? And how would you see Jobi McAnuff's position with the O's shaping up for next season?

All the best from way out west.

Yours sincerely,

Rob Noxious

Dear Rob,

What a lovely first query! I must confess that I don’t really know what to make of Orient for the rest of the season - they have been excrement for months and have a tough run-in. Flip flops are firmly on and I’d be surprised if they make it past the 55 point mark. Jobi McAnuff seems like an idiotic appointment on the face of things, but it is one that will surely bring the ladies flocking to E10. He gets my cervix quivering, and no mistake.

I wish I had better news with regards to Southend, but I wouldn’t give up hope yet. The fixture list has been kind enough and the Ewes are still catchable. Call me old-fashioned, but looking at your (very bad) squad, I must admit to believing it more suited to an archaic 4-4-2. I strongly advise not losing to Walsall on Tuesday.

Best of luck,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Rob Noxious]

Dear Rob,

What a lovely first query! I must confess that I don’t really know what to make of Orient for the rest of the season - they have been excrement for months and have a tough run-in. Flip flops are firmly on and I’d be surprised if they make it past the 55 point mark. Jobi McAnuff seems like an idiotic appointment on the face of things, but it is one that will surely bring the ladies flocking to E10. He gets my cervix quivering, and no mistake.

I wish I had better news with regards to Southend, but I wouldn’t give up hope yet. The fixture list has been kind enough and the Ewes are still catchable. Call me old-fashioned, but looking at your (very bad) squad, I must admit to believing it more suited to an archaic 4-4-2. I strongly advise not losing to Walsall on Tuesday.

Best of luck,

Uncle Jonny

Thanks, Uncle Johnny - and yes, I still have a bit of hope. Call me a misguided old fool but without hope, it looks hopeless!

I hope that we get to play you again next season. And in the League League too, not that I could see us making to the FAC 1st round from that Bananarama League, or whatever it's called!

All the best from way out west.

Noxi

 

[Floval Flyer]

Dear Jonny!
I haven’t seen this thread before so good to see it’s been reinstated

And so a question;

Do you have any experiences you can share from the O’s time in the National League or whatever it was called when you were down there...

Any recommendations on ‘must visit’ away grounds or maybe where to drink etc

Hopefully this question will become irrelevant, but need to be prepared all the same. (Rapidly becoming a glass half empty shrimper)

Thanks
FF

 

[Massimo Giovanni]

Thanks, Uncle Johnny - and yes, I still have a bit of hope. Call me a misguided old fool but without hope, it looks hopeless!

I hope that we get to play you again next season. And in the League League too, not that I could see us making to the FAC 1st round from that Bananarama League, or whatever it's called!

All the best from way out west.

Noxi

You Sir are a Misguided Old Fool.
And I am pleased to help with your naming request.
Now it just needs @Jonny_Stokes to help too.
Best regards

MG

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny!
I haven’t seen this thread before so good to see it’s been reinstated

And so a question;

Do you have any experiences you can share from the O’s time in the National League or whatever it was called when you were down there...

Any recommendations on ‘must visit’ away grounds or maybe where to drink etc

Hopefully this question will become irrelevant, but need to be prepared all the same. (Rapidly becoming a glass half empty shrimper)

Thanks
FF

Hi FF!

I’m glad I’m answering this question on a sunny morning in a cheerful mood otherwise this might make depressing reading!

I’ll skirt the trips to our fallen League brothers - everyone knows that Torquay and Notts County are two of the best away days in the country, and not to wear colours when visiting the Neanderthals up at Wrexham, right? - and instead concentrate on some of the more, er, ‘charming’ grounds you may visit.

Can thoroughly recommend Maidenhead. Lovely ground, setting, pubs and the opportunity to sing unpleasant songs about Theresa May. As for the best of the rest, well there’s Woking and... errr. Well, we’re penetrating deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness aren’t we? Um. Where was I...?

Ah yes, the National League. Important to accept that you’re going to take a proper ‘welcome to non-league’ shellacking somewhere you’ve never played in your entire history. 4-1 at Eastleigh. 5-0 at Kings Lynn. 6-1 at Bromley... You’re going to have a dream about being a large fish in a small pond, waltzing to the title. Unfortunately, we live as we dream - alone. While the dream disappears, the life continues painfully. When you look at the table in November and yourselves 10 places below Solihull Moors, it’ll feel like the club you’ve followed for decades has died. You’ll stop caring as much, but know that you’re not alone...

...I have wrestled with the National League. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable greyness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmostphere of tepid scepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary.

When we got murdered at Fylde, I remember the change that came over my friend’s features. I had never seen it before, and hope never to see again. He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath: “‘The horror! The horror!”

I think I need a lie down.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear True Blue,

Sorry I didn't see this at the time. I don't drink in the Coach I'm afraid, as it is a s***hole. Thanks for the offer though, and I'll be sure to take you up on it next time I come and run the Spread.


Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Just think what you missed out on

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear Jonny

Serious part first: would you be able to put me in touch with anyone in the Orient fan base who was instrumental in getting your club back?

Urgent more important part: what kinda guy are you..... fish supper - cous cous brunch - kipper breakfast - steak meal

much love
Scott aka your arch nemesis for over 15 years