Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Two guys were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. Paddy “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!'' Seamus, ''Well you better hurry up Paddy, It’s starting to rain and the top is down!''

 

[scrounger]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

£ 124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

 

[TrueBlue]

A ventriloquist was having a pretty good time of it telling a succession of Essex Girl jokes until he started getting heckled by a blonde girl at the back who stood up shouting "Right, that's it. I've sat here patiently long enough. One joke is funny but ten of them is going way over the top. Essex girls aren't all dumb and certainly aren't all blond. I'm sick and tired as being portrayed as a stereotype. People like you make me sick. Change the record".

This put the poor ventreloquist on the backfoot and he had to think quickly. The only thing he could thing of was to apologise and move on. "Sorry I meant no offence but the audience seemed to enjoy it". To which blondie replied.


"Oy you, shut it. I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the boy on your lap"

RUDE NOT FOR UNDER 18s mods help help help :( help its rude please delete :( :(

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6
children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her
first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her
husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a
beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly
yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with
you -- father of four!"





A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel
in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse
stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him,
"That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

 

[chapperzUK]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'



"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "



Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin

 

[GBJ]

How to make programs more interesting:
- Alzheimer's Wife Swap
- Dyslexic Countdown
- Jewish Big Brother
- Zimbabwe Special : Meal or No Meal
- Parkinsons Disease - Ready Steady Cook
- Grand Designs with Joseph Fritzl

 

[GBJ]

Leaving the pub last night it was ****ing freezing – on the way home I passed a young man shivering in a shop doorway, with only a blanket to keep warm.

I look at him; he looked at me, and I knew I had to do the right thing.

So I nicked his blanket – no point both of us being cold.

 

[RobM]

My neighbour asked me "Why do you keep shouting 'Green side up!' at the gardener?"
I replied "TrueBlue is laying turf down". (MInd you it's the only one he gets).

 

[MK Shrimper]

My neighbour asked me "Why do you keep shouting 'Green side up!' at the gardener?"
I replied "TrueBlue is laying turf down". (MInd you it's the only one he gets).

 

[GBJ]

I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

i said "look Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a small, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.When he comes home from work, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim, and be nice to him always.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow,
unbelievable!"
Which woke up Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

 

[Ron Manager]

Doc and Grumpy go to the local monastary and knock on the giant wooden door.
An old withered monk comes out and asks them their business.

Doc enquires "Wise old monk, do you have any midget nuns living in your monastary?"

"No, my son", replies the monk "there has never been a midget nun, ever stay in our sacred walls"

Doc turns to Grumpy and shakes his head and they both leave the monk and head off back to Snow White singing "Dopey ****ed a penguin, Dopey ****ed a penguin"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Two old men had been best friends since playing for Southend United for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls very ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favour. I want to know if we can play football in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "The good news is that there is football in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're playing on Wednesday."

 

[GBJ]

"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test.
Look, you had two pints. You're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record.
Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go.
I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer.
Oh that's just great, Matt. No license, no job. Now what.
So, what's it gonna be?"

Stella please mate.

 

[Hotman]

"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test.
Look, you had two pints. You're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record.
Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go.
I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer.
Oh that's just great, Matt. No license, no job. Now what.
So, what's it gonna be?"

Stella please mate.

Changing "Fosters" to "Stella" doesn't justify nicking it from sickipedia.

 

[GBJ]

There once was a man called Hawking,
Who got very bored of walking,
He got on a scooter,
Attached a computer,
And now it does all of the talking.

 

[GBJ]

Changing "Fosters" to "Stella" doesn't justify nicking it from sickipedia.

LOL dunno what you mean!!


Also, i've never hid the fact i steal them from Sicki, i just like to share them :)

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs
are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for
Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift
Tiddles up to Heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However,
two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears
in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl
and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the Postman holding her down, she would definitely
have gone up to heaven, Daddy."