Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

After the very costly war with Japan, the American Navy decided they had too many officers and began to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my willy to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques that the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted it was his choice and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's willy and began to work back.

" Oh My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Japan."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5000 and feels really good about the results. 3 weeks later, he stops at a newsagents and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the lady at the till, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the teenage girl at the till the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 32".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks surely she can't get my correct age, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47, and thank you, I really enjoyed that."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you get my correct age?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

[steveo]

Great British Humour.....!! (politically very incorrect....)

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

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Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so

Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[Dick Bate's Protege]

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the **** out of you.

Q: What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of silence.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Bill Clinton, Maggie Thatcher and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the Great White Throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Gore replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Maggie Thatcher. "Maggie, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

 

[Ayrshire Blue]

Whats round and bouncy and scores goals for Sunderland?










Andy Reid

 

[Firestorm]

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the **** out of you.

Q: What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of silence.

Women are like Toilets

They are all dirty except of the disabled ones

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his willy. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his willy, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the willy around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

 

[* ORM *]

Paddy and Murphy walking in the woods when Paddy is caught short. "Murphy I'm desperately in need of a **** but I have no toilet paper". "Neither do I, Paddy, what else do you have" to which Paddy replied he had a fiver so Murphy told him to use that.

5 minutes later Paddy comes back with his hands covered in ****. "Paddy, didn't you use the fiver ?"





"Yes I did but have you ever tried wiping your arse with 3 pound coins 2 50ps and the rest in 20ps ?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited child.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was so happy and celebrated by weeing down the bark on the nearest tree, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of creations, "What's the last thing left in here? Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms' . . ."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One for the Ladies.....

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can
walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up
all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but thats about
it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get
hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the
table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they're coming, how many
inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right
thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet. But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed that it was occupied.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.

The man's curiousity got the better of him and he started pressing the buttons one by one.

When he pressed WW, Warm Water was sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really have it made.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.

This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse. "What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I was in the new ladies' room on a plane."

"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your dick is under your pillow."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up his horse in front of the saloon, walked around behind it, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do that?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"





This man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla in his tree. He looks on the internet for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there." An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the Gorilla with the stick until he falls.

When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the Gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect his bits, and allow you to put the handcuffs on."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Paddy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.''What''s up?'' he says.''I''m having a heart attack,'' she cries .He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Seamus is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'' Paddy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.''You jerk,'' yells the husband, ''My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!''




A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "I charged one and let the other one off."





A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed."Have you any last requests? asked the executioner."Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

 

[* ORM *]

A ventriloquist was having a pretty good time of it telling a succession of Essex Girl jokes until he started getting heckled by a blonde girl at the back who stood up shouting "Right, that's it. I've sat here patiently long enough. One joke is funny but ten of them is going way over the top. Essex girls aren't all dumb and certainly aren't all blond. I'm sick and tired as being portrayed as a stereotype. People like you make me sick. Change the record".

This put the poor ventreloquist on the backfoot and he had to think quickly. The only thing he could thing of was to apologise and move on. "Sorry I meant no offence but the audience seemed to enjoy it". To which blondie replied.


"Oy you, shut it. I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the boy on your lap"

 

[sufc_tom]

Paddy & Murphy are in a pubwhen a woman starts choking on her food. As she goes blue in the face, Paddy rushes over behind her, whips her skirt up, knickers down and licks up and down between the cheeks of her arse. The horrified woman gasps and spits the food across the room. Murphy says "Well done Paddy. I've heard of the hind-lick manouvre before, but that's the first time I've seen it done!"

 

[GBJ]

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together.

I asked one of them, 'What the hell is going on?'

He said, 'First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club'

 

[GBJ]

My girlfriend knows a good thing when she sees it.

Me walking through the door with a crate of stella isn't one of them.

 

[GBJ]

I woke up this morning on the settee, with my pants around my feet and a cucumber stuck up my arse.
I'd a post-it note stuck to my forehead. It said;

"I saw you spike my drink, so swapped them."

BITCH!