Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on
it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mummy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because
there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mummy had said.

A few days later the mother told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he
can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to
her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he's already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[Ayrshire Blue]

An Eskimo goes on holiday to Wales and his car has broken down.

He sees a Welshman and says" Are you any good with cars?"

The Welshman says "Yes, I am as a matter of fact, I'll have a look."

The Welshman takes a look under the car and then says "Yeah, you've blown a seal."

The Eskimo says "So what, you bugger sheep."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.


After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.


The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."


So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."


"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."


The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 6 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.



Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?



I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.




If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?




Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"




Would a fly without wings be called a walk?




Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will use them?



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




The nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.




If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

1. On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with Horse Manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.


"Why are you crying?" the father asked.


"Because my friends will be jealous of me, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.


Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.


To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, John
came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
the trunk.

Seeing this John inquired, ''Just out of curiosity, what the
heck are you doing?''

''I'm listening to the music of the tree,'' the stranger replied.

''You've gotta be kiddin' me!''

''No, would you like to give it a try?''

Understandably curious, John decided to give it a go.

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and gently pressed his
ear up against the rough bark.

Quick as a flash the stranger slapped a pair of handcuffs on
John at the other side of the tree, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and mobile phone
before stripping him naked and leaving him securely cuffed and hugging the tree.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw John
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, ''What the heck are you doing?''

Shaking with cold John proceeded to tell the guy the whole
terrible saga.

At the end of John's sorry tale, the other guy shook his head
in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind
the ear and said, ''This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: It would need a clear path on the land, the pillers and supports needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the sea. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that's like more than one wish it's just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my wife better, why she changes her mind so much, why is she so temperamental,why does she say one thing but mean another, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in charge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.



Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better get to know him first."

 

[davewebbsbrain]

It was so cold yesterday I saw a Pikey with his hands in his own pockets

 

[RobM]

Masochist "Spank me"
Sadist "No!"

 

[chapperzUK]

:D :D TSNB, where do you get them from?

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be 50 pence."
"50 pence?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be one pound."
"One pound?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him what's what – go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you.”

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

What is politics?


Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: It's like this dad, Whilst the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of crap.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me:
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive hooters at her mum. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.''

 

[TrueBlue]

What do you call a man up a tree with a suitcase?









Branch Manager

 

[Firestorm]

What do you call a man up a tree with a suitcase?









Branch Manager

Is funnier

 

[TrueBlue]

Is funnier

was not trying to be racist there just so you know