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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"
RobM
55 years as a supporter!⭐
Possibly the same man goes into a bar and says "Give me a treble vodka, a double scotch and a pink gin!". He downs the lot in one go (sort of) and says to the barman "I shouldn't have had that with what I've got"
"Really? What have you got?" the barman asks.
The man replies...
"Twenty pence!"
"Really? What have you got?" the barman asks.
The man replies...
"Twenty pence!"
Last edited:
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
Dad cooks a Deer for tea and doesn't tell the kids what it is, but he does give them a clue.
'It's what your Mum calls me'
His son yells out 'it's a ****in knob, don't eat it'
'It's what your Mum calls me'
His son yells out 'it's a ****in knob, don't eat it'
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
A ginger bird at work recently announced she is pregnant by her black boyfriend. She sent an email to everyone asking if we could help her pick a name for the baby. I was quite happy with my contribution until I was hauled into the managers office and sacked.
Apparently Terry....'the chocolate orange' wasn't the response she wanted.
Apparently Terry....'the chocolate orange' wasn't the response she wanted.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: ''Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.''
Canadians: ''Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.''
Americans: ''This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.''
Canadians: ''No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.''
Americans: ''THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.''
Canadians: ''We are a Lighthouse. Your call.''
Americans: ''Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.''
Canadians: ''Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.''
Americans: ''This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.''
Canadians: ''No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.''
Americans: ''THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.''
Canadians: ''We are a Lighthouse. Your call.''
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my willy one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my willy 50 times."
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my willy one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my willy 50 times."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Welcome to 'The Psychiatrist Hotline.'
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have mutliple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.
Please stay on the line.
If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice will tell you what to do.
If you are manic depressive it doesn't matter what you do, no one cares
about you anyway.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have mutliple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.
Please stay on the line.
If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice will tell you what to do.
If you are manic depressive it doesn't matter what you do, no one cares
about you anyway.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A husband and wife were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the wife reaches over and slices off the husband's willy and angrily tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the car is a pick-up truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the willy smacks the windshield of the pick-up and flies off onto the grass verge.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what the hell was that ?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The after a few seconds, she says. "WOW! Did you see the size of its dick?."
Driving behind the car is a pick-up truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the willy smacks the windshield of the pick-up and flies off onto the grass verge.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what the hell was that ?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The after a few seconds, she says. "WOW! Did you see the size of its dick?."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat, Robert Burns and William Shakespeare. They were to have a contest to find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the word 'Timbuctu' in a sentence.
They drew straws to see who would go first. William Shakespeare won and went first. "I travelled through the far and distant sands, to observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into view, it's destination Timbuctu!"
Robert Burns was next: "Tim and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3, and we were 2, so I bucked one and Timbuctu!"
They drew straws to see who would go first. William Shakespeare won and went first. "I travelled through the far and distant sands, to observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into view, it's destination Timbuctu!"
Robert Burns was next: "Tim and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3, and we were 2, so I bucked one and Timbuctu!"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A stinking drunk stumbles along to a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon
down by the river. He tumbles down the river bank and into the water and stands up next to the preacher.
The preacher turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The preacher then dunks him under the water and pulls him
right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"
down by the river. He tumbles down the river bank and into the water and stands up next to the preacher.
The preacher turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The preacher then dunks him under the water and pulls him
right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
How To Shower - Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to
the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how
you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Pomegranate shampoo with 21
added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Pomegranate shampoo with 21
added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Pomegranate conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but
decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
freeze / roast
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots
with Mould and Mildew Remover.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack
with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half
getting dressed.
How to Shower - Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut,
look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on
the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath
the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self
again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to
the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how
you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Pomegranate shampoo with 21
added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Pomegranate shampoo with 21
added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Pomegranate conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but
decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
freeze / roast
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots
with Mould and Mildew Remover.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack
with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half
getting dressed.
How to Shower - Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut,
look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on
the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath
the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self
again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
80 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have very poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I
pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light
goes on when he pee's, and then poof! the light goes off when he's done?''
Thelma explained, "That damn old fool! He's peeing in the Fridge!!!.
came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have very poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I
pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light
goes on when he pee's, and then poof! the light goes off when he's done?''
Thelma explained, "That damn old fool! He's peeing in the Fridge!!!.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska.
The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it
with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns
around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex."
Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he
recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black
bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.
A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices,
"Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes
quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough,
he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at
point blank range.
There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous
polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here
for the hunting, do you?"
in Alaska.
The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it
with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns
around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex."
Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he
recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black
bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.
A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices,
"Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes
quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough,
he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at
point blank range.
There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous
polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here
for the hunting, do you?"
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