Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[chapperzUK]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

[davewebbsbrain]

was going to rep you for that.

lol....won't the rep system allow you?

 

[chapperzUK]

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
made the chain too long

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

 

[chapperzUK]

lol....won't the rep system allow you?

yeah :( Last time I repped you was 8 days ago for your Sol Campbell comment ;)

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Newleyweds turn up for honeymoon at a posh hotel, go upstairs to the honeymoon suite.

Half hour later the groom comes downstairs with a load of fishing gear and goes off out all night fishing, coming home the next morning. The wife then goes out for the day shopping.

This happens every night for a week and the bellboy sees it and is confused.

So when the groom comes down on day 8 to go fishing the bellboy stops him and asks 'haven't you just got married'. 'Yep' replies the groom.

'And you are out fishing' he questions the groom. 'yep, I love fishing'.

Puzzled, the bellboy asks 'Why aren't you up there giving your wife one' to whch the groom replies 'no chance mate, she has Gonorrhea'

'Well give her one up the chuff' says the bellboy. 'You must be joking, she has diarrhea'

'Jesus, does she do blow jobs' asks the bellboy. 'You must be joking, she has Gingivitis' says the groom.

The Bellboy is now really confused. 'So why the hell did you marry her then'. To which the groom replies 'for the Maggots'

 

[davewebbsbrain]

yeah :( Last time I repped you was 8 days ago for your Sol Campbell comment ;)

Rep system broke, you did that on 23/9 lol, unless that's the date I posted it:doh:

 

[chapperzUK]

Rep system broke, you did that on 23/9 lol, unless that's the date I posted it:doh:

Posted and repped on the same day ...

.... and you just did another good one. :D

 

[chapperzUK]

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

 

[chapperzUK]

For the nerds .....

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

 

[chapperzUK]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[chapperzUK]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[davewebbsbrain]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Just repped you for that, as a golfer, it made me laugh...However my comment was just a \...don't ask me why, poxy PC

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man called to testify at the Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let the tax man think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let him intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Inland Revenue?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed!"




A tramp comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the tramp asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the tramp goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The tramp says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know, that's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."

 

[Ayrshire Blue]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F**k off, you won't bring it back."

 

[Hotman]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F**k off, you won't bring it back."

good copying and pasting from sickipedia.org there.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "HEY, DO YOU STILL NEED A PUSH?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "YES PLEASE."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

The drunk replies, "OVER HERE ON THE SWINGS---- "

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A farming couple are doing yard work and the wife is finished and goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for the rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, ''Where's the rake?''

She can't hear: She replies by shaking her head.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions (the rake).

She replies by pointing to her eye, points to her left breast, grabs her bum, then points to her crotch.

He runs up stairs and says, ''What did you say?''

She says, ''I left tit, behind, the bush.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’. Raymond, the smartest kid of the class, gets up and says proudly, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".

"Well done, Raymond," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s definitely contagious".

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

"I’ve got one," says little Billy, jumping up and down.

"Yes, Billy, what is it?"

Billy said, "Our not very nice next door neighbour is painting his house with a small Brush and my Dad told my Mum, it will take the contagious."






A guy's walking down the street and sees little Johny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?"

Johny says, "Six."

The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"

Johny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."

The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man went around to meet his girlfriend's family. Unfortunately, he is so nervous he has an eating problem. So, halfway through desert he tries very hard to hold his fart. At the end, he escaped out a little small fart. The sister of the man's girlfriend shouted "Spot!" to the family dog. Being thankful that the dog was blamed for the gas, he lets out an even bigger fart.

"Spot!" shouted the sister again.

He decided to fart more so he lets out the biggest fart ever. The sister finally said,
"Spot, come here before he shi ts on you!"




A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your skirt and knickers?” he asked. “Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off her skirt and knickers. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The half naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!” he cried. “But I can’t. I’m half naked and my clothes are gone!” “Take my shoes”, he said, “and cover yourself.” Holding the shoes over her crotch, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoes between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The proprietor looked at the shoes and said, “There’s nothing I can do….he’s in too far!”