Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

 

[sufc_tom]

Only a British person would be so polite as to wait 5 hours in a queue to punch somebody.

 

[sufc_tom]

Anybody else notice that "Mother in Law" is an anagram of the words "Woman Hitler"......?!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Element name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.



Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

[GBJ]

I posted this joke three weeks ago.

****ing Royal Mail.

 

[blue shrimp]

Afghan footballer makes his debut for Bradford City,After the game he phones home.

Player..Hi mum how are things there

Mum..Your Dad has been shot,Your sister has been gang raped,Our home has been petrol bomed,I have been mugged and the car has been stolen.

Why did we move to Bradford.

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Stephan Gately is going to be created in a tin foil coffin with the lid slightly open...Apparently this is the best way to cook faggots.

 

[davewebbsbrain]

It's gong to be a fab Xmas in heaven...

Stephan Gately singing the carols, Patrick Swayze leading the dancing, Keith Floyd cooking the dinner, and Jacko playing with the kids!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ***. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ***. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!, I need a P-O-S-S-E!"

 

[ozzy-shrimper]

Lewie Walsh received a text from God today saying, every week John and Edward are still in x factor, another member of boyzone dies.. Ronans next.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Two aliens landed in the remote countryside and went walking from the flying saucer along a narrow lane. The first thing they saw was a red pillar box. ''Take us to your leader,'' said the first alien. ''Don't waste time talking to him, let's start with the Adult'' said the second alien, as he pointed to an old red telephone box.




Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets Allowed," and I can't leave Fido alone on the street." The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my blind dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks his beer and leaves. The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my blind dog!" The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua blind dog!" The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

[chadded]

What makes women go weak at the knee's?



A Sledgehammer.

 

[GBJ]

I've been invited to a Halloween party. The invitation said "Come dressed scary".

So I'm going to go as a Muslim wearing a back pack...

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."





One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stamping on Honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No Honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stamping on Butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stamping on Butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no Butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stamping on Cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“




A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.&#




A tortoise was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate, and asked the tortoise if he could explain what happened.

The tortoise looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, ''How do I know, it all happened so fast.''

 

[Ayrshire Blue]

Whats the odd one out??
A. Washing Machine
B. Toaster
C. Women
D. Freezer

Answer is B Toaster - It's the only one that dosen't drip when it's f****d

 

[chapperzUK]

Brighton have an amazing football team .....

 

[davewebbsbrain]

I saved a family of Col Ewe fans drowning yesterday...



























As a screensaver on my PC.

 

[chapperzUK]

I saved a family of Col Ewe fans drowning yesterday...



























As a screensaver on my PC.

was going to rep you for that.