Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[GBJ]

Dear Matt Lucas,

I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my partner who sadly has also passed away.

If you want to hook up, give me a call.

Yours sincerely,

Jack Tweed

(bit harsh i know, but it made me laugh)

 

[GBJ]

I was so shocked to hear that Kevin Mcgee the ex-husband of Matt Lucas has been found hanged in his flat.

What a bummer.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest, Suddenly they here a thunderous noise, Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky!"



Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken!


Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung


Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of their dog.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a Complete Fool when I married you."

The wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and I didn't notice."



The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.



I bought my wife a new car. She phoned me and said, "There's water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"

"I see millions of stars," Watson said.
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Well Watson, you idiot," he said. "It tells me someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs £10."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in his sample, and deposited the £10. The machine again made the usual noises,flashing lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An old husband and wife walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"




A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here every night at Ten o'clock... whether you're here or not."

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Gordon Brown is trying to strike a deal with USA. If they put the Queens head on their stamps, he has agreed to keep their president on our jam jars

 

[davewebbsbrain]

3 Parrots for sale in a pet shop: £200, £100 and £15

A woman asks 'why is that parrot so cheap'

The shopkeeper replies 'it came from a brothel'. The woman thinks it's funny so buys the parrot.

When the parrot gets home it says 'blimey, a new brothel' and the woman laughs.

When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says 'blimey, new prossies' and the girls laugh

When the husband comes home the parrot says 'blimey Keith, I have seen you for weeks'

 

[sufc_tom]

Matt Lucas walks into a library and asks for a book on coping with grief.

After a few moments silence,the librarian replies......

"Computer says no........"

 

[sufc_tom]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'

'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes', whispered the small voice.

'May I speak to him?'

The child whispered 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes.'

'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the fireman,' came the whispered reply.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'

 

[Dave of the Match]

I saw that new advert for Pizza Hut today that said "Now, order with your iPhone."

Question... Couldn't you always order with your iPhone, seeing as it is, in fact, a phone?

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.



A little kid walks onto a bus and sits right behind the driver and starts says in his ear, ''If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mum a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets fed up and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mum was a prostitute?''

The kid smiles and says,''Well, I'd be a bus driver!''



Seamus goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm hurting all over. I'll touch my leg with my finger and see what happens, OUCH, now my arm OUCH, my belly OUCH, and even my head OUCH!"
''I know what's wrong'' replies the doctor.
''Your finger is broken!!''

 

[davewebbsbrain]

I saw that new advert for Pizza Hut today that said "Now, order with your iPhone."

Question... Couldn't you always order with your iPhone, seeing as it is, in fact, a phone?

Thought this was the joke thread....you've just ruined that.

 

[GBJ]

As much as i didn't want to, i think now's the time to reveal that good ol' 'Dave of the match' dropped a clanger the other day. You see, on the market place thread, i posted.....

http://www.shrimperzone.com/vb/showthread.php?t=55083

Then, the next day i get a message from Dan on Facebook. Which looked like this..

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=1267802595&v=feed&story_fbid=1244510194036

Tut tut tut

 

[BaileytheQuitter]

I was raping this woman the other day when she screamed, "think of my kids!".

Kinky bitch.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

You've got to admit that most of women's biggest problems are something to do with men.
There's MENtal illness MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnaecology and HISterectomy.



Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 500 yards down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind some bushes.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to have a dump!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out tramp on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the tramp in the ***, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.

A few hours later, the tramp woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Holsten pils, drank them all, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man returned, found the tramp again passed out, screwed him in the ***, and left him a Hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the tramp bought two six-packs of Holsten, drank them down, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the tramp, but this time left him a Hundred and Fifty bucks. When the tramp woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Stella Artois.

"Stella?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Holsten."

"I know," said the tramp. "But Holsten makes my bum hurt."