Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Mick says to Paddy "Close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neigbours were laughing at you yesterday...'' "Well" said Paddy, "the laugh is on them, because I wasn't even in yesterday!"





Old couple sat in church. During the service wife whispers "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
Hubby says "put a battery in your hearing aid.''




Q)Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning.

A)Vomit.




Mother to her teenage daughter. ''I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.''

Daughter. ''Sure mum, tell me, what do you want to know?''

Mother Faints...

 

[scrounger]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower,
I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ''That sure is a nice fire truck,'' the firefighter said with admiration. ''Thanks,'' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...... ''Little partner'' the firefighter said, ''I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.''


The little girl replied thoughtfully, ''You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.


2. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?


3. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.


4. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


5. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.


6. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!


7. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


8. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.


9. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.


10. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

A bloke knocked at the door last week and asked if i could donate some clothes to the starving people in africa. I told him to bu--er off as if my clothes fitted them they certainly would'nt be starving!.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Van Driver.
Dave, who works for a delivery company makes a regular run between Southend and Colchester. Every day it is the same route, same view etc.

To break the monotony and to bring some excitement to his journey he devised a little game to play on the way.

Every time he saw somebody wearing a Col.U shirt or scarf, he would mount the pavement in his van and give them a little nudge...

One day, as he was just leaving the outskirts of Southend, he spotted a priest standing by his broken down car. Being a caring type of person (except when it came to Col.U supporters) he stopped and offered the priest a lift. The priest gratefully accepted the offer and settled himself down in the van's passenger seat.

As they approached Colchester, Dave spotted a Col.U shirt being worn by a knuckle dragger walking along the road.

Narrowing his eyes, he accelerated, flipped the steering wheel to the left, mounted the pavement and bore down on the hapless idiot.

As he was about to nudge the knuckle dragger, Dave remembered about his passenger and very quickly swerved away and back onto the road. As he did so he heard a loud bang and looking back in the mirror saw the crumpled figure of the Col.U supporter.

Apologising profusely to the priest, Dave stammered ''I'm so sorry Father, I thought I had missed him.'' To which the priest replied, ''you did my son, but I got the fu*ker with the door.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

“What's happening?” she asks.

“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”

 

[GBJ]

Things that are hard to say when you're drunk

1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

things that are very hard to say when you're drunk

1. Specificity.
2. Anti-constitutionalistically.
3 passive aggressive disorder.
4. Transubstantiate.

things that are impossible to say when you're drunk

1. No thanks - i'm married.
2. No - no more drink - i've had enough.
3. Sorry love, you're not my type.
4. No kebab for me - i'm not hungry.

 

[Dave of the Match]

You know, you could call your iPod 'The Titanic', then plug it into your computer and it'd say "The Titanic is syncing."

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Things that are hard to say when you're drunk

1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

things that are very hard to say when you're drunk

1. Specificity.
2. Anti-constitutionalistically.
3 passive aggressive disorder.
4. Transubstantiate.

things that are impossible to say when you're drunk

1. No thanks - i'm married.
2. No - no more drink - i've had enough.
3. Sorry love, you're not my type.
4. No kebab for me - i'm not hungry.

Would green that but I can't at the mo..too much love for you already.

 

[Sandbach Shrimper]

3 blokes are comparing their drunkenness from the night before.
"I was so drunk I don't remember getting home and just woke up in a pool of sweat and ****," says the first.
"I was so drunk that I threw up all over my house and slept on the floor", says the second.
"Yeah, well, I was so drunk that I was blowing chunks all night," brags the third smugly.
"That's nothing," say the other two.
"You don't understand - Chunks is the name of my dog."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Things that are hard to say when you're drunk

1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

things that are very hard to say when you're drunk

1. Specificity.
2. Anti-constitutionalistically.
3 passive aggressive disorder.
4. Transubstantiate.

things that are impossible to say when you're drunk

1. No thanks - i'm married.
2. No - no more drink - i've had enough.
3. Sorry love, you're not my type.
4. No kebab for me - i'm not hungry.

Pay attention grays, I did that One, page 3 #41.
Worth going through them, as there are some crackers on there.

 

[GBJ]

Pay attention grays, I did that One, page 3 #41.
Worth going through them, as there are some crackers on there.

Oh right sorry mate hahaha. Didn't know!!. Must have missed it.

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Oh right sorry mate hahaha. Didn't know!!. Mustav Missdit.

Isn't he a Community Relations leader in Luton?

 

[GBJ]

Isn't he a Community Relations leader in Luton?

Dunno, but you can guarentee he's got relatives in Bradford

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Bloke walks up to a bird in a club and says 'Hi, the name's Bond'

She says 'don't tell me it's James'

'No' says the bloke, 'it's Uni, I'm here to fill your crack'

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Leroy is in class and puts up his hand 'Miss, can I have Friday off, I have a funeral to go to'

'Yes of course' says the teacher

Jimmy puts his hand up and says 'can I have have Thursday off to go Strawberry picking'

'No, of course you can't' replies the teacher.

'That's not fair' says Jimmy 'I can't go Strawberry picking but Leroy can go Black Burying'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"It's the Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see us naked." So they let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang these blind's?"






Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

 

[Clinton Baptiste]

Apparently Matt Lucas likes his partners well hung.