Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car:

State cop: License and registration please
Man: I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?
State cop: I clocked you on radar doing 75mph.
Man: There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.
Wife: Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!
State cop: I'm also citing you for having a tail light out.
Man: But officer, I wasn't aware it was out.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months.
State cop: I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Listen you dumb cow, SHUT YOUR BIG FAT MOUTH!!!
State cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: Only when he's drunk about 4 Pints and 8 Double Whiskey's.




A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be Single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am Single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull in behind those bushes."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, for I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A blonde goes into a world wide phone center to talk to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be £6, She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to talk to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"

..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..

He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

''Are you sure this will work'' she says.

The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says "Hello mum, MUM are you there ?''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man.”Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three bad Chinese tortures.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, absolutely georgeus and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but very happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.





This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot by the burgler, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck....."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Oh darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"




Sing it to the tune of I Will Survive.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bull-sh*t, just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now - go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count?? Chorus I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud! But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed! Chorus I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

How to make a woman happy. It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2.

A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A sexologist 15. A gynaecologist 16.

A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19.

A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organiser 22.

A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29

Intelligent 30. Funny 31.

Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36.

Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43.

Passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. Give her compliments regularly 45. Love shopping 46. Be honest 47. Be very rich 48. Not stress her out 49. Not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50.

Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51.

Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. To never forget: birthdays, anniversaries, arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE MAN HAPPY 1.

Feed him 2. F**k him 3.

Shut the f**k up.

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Allegedly, Craig David is poised to quit his career in music and focus on the Great Britian 2012 Archery Team.

He's going to be their bow selector.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One day, while a dumb blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tyre's.
''That'll teach you to concentrate'' said the truck driver.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windscreen.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”









Priest: ''Who amongst the congregation think they have had an experience of having sex with a ghost?'' (A farmer raises his hand).

Priest:: ''Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?''

Farmer: ''Ooops, I thought you said goats!!!''

 

[Bluesmanager]

I was watching Mock the Week on Dave over the summer. One of their "Scenes We'd Like To See" things was "Unlikely Things To Hear On A Cooking Show".

I've got one: "Hi, I'm Nigella Lawson, and I'm going to show you how to really butter your parsnips".

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring……

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbour and asks him if he could buy a rooster for £100. The neighbour says, “You can buy this rooster. His name’s Roy. He’ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.” So the farmer takes him home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?” The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at the pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, “Roy, why did you have to die?” Roy says, “Quiet! They’re about to land!”

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Son of cherokee chief. ''Father, why is my brother called Red Cloud and my sister called Lilac Blossom ?'

Chief. ''Well my son, it is our tradition, when your brother was born I looked out of the teepee and saw a beautiful Red Cloud at sundown, and when your sister was born, I looked out of the teepee and saw Lilac Blossom falling from the tree.''

Son. ''Oh''

Chief '' Why do you ask Two Dogs having a Shag ?''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators thought of Big Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Big Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £300. He responded that he was very interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the money."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.''

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. "From now on we're going to run this house the same way. "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to screw for hours.'' The next night he came home from work and yelled, ''BELL 1'' and his wife took off her clothes. ''BELL 2'' and his wife jumped into bed ''BELL 3'' and they began to screw. After 5 minutes his wife yelled, ''BELL 4''

''What's this Bell 4?'', asked the husband. ''More Hose,'' she replied, ''You're nowhere near the fire!!!!!!''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"You Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The head master of a school went into a classroom with with a new brand of crisps for the tuck shop, and told the kids, "I am going to give you all the same flavour, and if you can tell me what it is then you will get a free packet." He gave them the Honey flavour crisps, and didn't tell them what flavour it was. The kids ate them and no one knew what kind of flavour they were, so he said, "Here I will give you a clue, your mother might call your father this."
Little Johnny stands on a chair and shouts, "Everyone spit them out, it must be arsehole flavour!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're ******* my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 12 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees are sore from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad, I lost the hot dog in the third bar!!!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way!, Men and women always dance separately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "It's forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "It's mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO! Certainly not" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.

Rabbi answers, "It could lead to dancing!"

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

I phoned up a rape advice line this morning. Unfortunately it was for victims only!.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ''I don't like Chinese.''

''No rike Chinese?'' asks the co-pilot, ''....why not?''

''You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why !''

''No, no,'' the co-pilot protests, ''Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.''

''Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all the same!''

There's a few minutes of silence.

''I no rike Jews either!'' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

''Oh yeah, why not?'' asks the captain.

''Jews sink Titanic.''

''What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!'' exclaims the captain, ''It was an iceberg!''

''Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all the same.''