londonblue
Topgun Pilot
They asked me to run the marathon. I told them to **** off. They said, "Oh come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." And I thought, "Blimey, I could win this."
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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.
londonblue
Topgun Pilot
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
londonblue
Topgun Pilot
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
MK Shrimper
Striker
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sarah.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Dave, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sarah.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Dave, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Bluesmanager
I'm a Barbie Girl
[h=6]Went to the Barbers and asked for a Liverpool FC haircut. Mess at the back, nothing on the sides and nothing up front. He charged me £130 million.[/h]
As Good Friday approaches my thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will be remembered for dying on the end of a cross...
Happy Easter Andy Carroll!
Happy Easter Andy Carroll!
southend4ever
I used to play a little.
Received this off a 'mate' today. Very distasteful.
Have you ever noticed how it's only ever 'perfect' people that are murdered or killed these days? "He/She was the perfect son/daughter" "They were such a perfect couple" "The perfect family killed in tragic accident". Doesn't it make you glad you are a ****?
Have you ever noticed how it's only ever 'perfect' people that are murdered or killed these days? "He/She was the perfect son/daughter" "They were such a perfect couple" "The perfect family killed in tragic accident". Doesn't it make you glad you are a ****?
Bluesmanager
I'm a Barbie Girl
A cricketer is spotted bringing his WAG into the changing rooms.
"What d'you reckon?" his teammate says to another teammate. "Is she a full toss or a bouncer?"
What do you call an idiot noob on a Star Wars forum? Obi Wan ****ing Noobie.
"What d'you reckon?" his teammate says to another teammate. "Is she a full toss or a bouncer?"
What do you call an idiot noob on a Star Wars forum? Obi Wan ****ing Noobie.
Last edited:
hockleyeast1964
sons taxi and bank
I got sacked last night from the salvation army soup kitchen.All i said was Hurry up some of us have got homes to go to.
hockleyeast1964
sons taxi and bank
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discoverd in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it's a pharoah roche...
Archaeologists believe it's a pharoah roche...
southend4ever
I used to play a little.
True Story - Manchestever Evening Times
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
> over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder
> to get his attention.
>
>
> The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
> over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
>
> For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
> driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out
> of me."
>
>
> The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
> realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
>
>
> The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
> fault.
>
> Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
> hearse for the past 25 years."
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
> over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder
> to get his attention.
>
>
> The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
> over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
>
> For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
> driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out
> of me."
>
>
> The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
> realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
>
>
> The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
> fault.
>
> Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
> hearse for the past 25 years."
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