Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the Bob immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench, and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Many years ago, they were looking for someone to play opposite Julie Andrews in the new Mary Poppins film. The Hollywood talent scout had just heard a young man give a very funny and lively performance at the local playhouse.
"That was great!", he said. "What's your name?"
"Willy van Lesbian", said the young actor.
"Wow! We'll have to change that. How about we call you Dick Van Dyke?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[sufc_tom]

My little brother just told me his GCSE results. Last time I heard that many D's Match of the Day was starting.

 

[sufc_tom]

A bomb has gone off in Nigeria. I hope the prince that emailed me hasn't been hurt, his family has been through enough already.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an *** hole," John said. I'd like to pee on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.''

 

[phsend]

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you play with my fanny all night."

I said, "OK, what does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing with a few white patches."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."

 

[Firestorm]

I went to the doctor for a check up
he said "you really should stop masturbating"

"Whys that ?" I asked

"Because I'm trying to take your temperature"

 

[Another Surrey Shrimper]

What is the most dangerous bank?
A lions in Leicester.

Who can help you out if someone is speaking very quietly?
Roy Kinnear.

What do you call a person who works in a clothes shop and sorts out the wool items from the cotton items?
A cashmere separatist.

I’ve decided to become more environmentally friendly and from now on I am going to eat soya substitutes for Pollock instead of soya substitutes for Cod.

JLS have reworked their single for an older audience – it now goes ‘everybody who’s tired, put your feet up’.


Ralph Fiennes a glove that he'd lost two weeks ago, but in the meantime he'd chucked out the other one.


Ted, after a car accident had his life saved by being given half a pint of type O negative blood, but instead of being really happy he just saw the blood as being a pint half empty.

What do you use to filter out really large numbers? A maths sieve.

What species of male can put a spring in your step? A human boy-ing.


Classic novel 'Rebbecca' is now available in an abridged version called 'Becky'.

What is the most offensive section of a department store? Men swear.

Scientists have taken DNA from Michael Jackson and his pet monkey and created Michal Bubble.

What do you call an indecisive Welsh mechanic? Either The Engine.


Apple have invented a new music player that only plays reggae - its called an I and I pod.

I've noticed these days people buy training shoes based on aesthetics not athletics.

The national park with the longest line of people waiting to get in? Kew Gardens.

Chocolates made for German ladies? Praline.

I'd suggest you cut your hair but its not something I think you'd take on bald.

Special needs boyband - Joey Deacon Blue.

 

[Another Surrey Shrimper]

You can now obtain a vaccine against swine flu on line from ImunePig.com

Of course you never win, its called the national lottery Draw

Who is the most disruptive element in the cosmos? Anarchy Skywalker

Get married in the Summer, winter weddings lead to a frosty reception

Favourite coffee in Essex? Darren Egberts

25th December is an exciting date for caterpillars as they receive a visit from Father Chrysalis

'what are you doing, can't you see the sign saying 'Wait to be seated'?' - typical reception at OMG Fridays

Kate Nash = Victoria Wood

Which film really questions what we understand about the world? Juno

Spanish old man - Senor Citizen

Imagine Ronnie Corbet sitting in a big chair on the phone to the IT helpdesk saying 'My Computer....'

Last election I walked around Dagenham campaigning against the BNP with a man with a lisp talking about ethics - I thought he was just reminding me where we were.

What is this f##king pile of f##king sh#te on the TV?
Turret’s Factor



I have become an egalitarian – I now only eat eagles.

The athletics section at the Para Olympics – why is that not called the paralytics?

When a dog chases its rear end and is constantly surprised that it doesn’t catch it – Tails of the Unexpected.

New winter application for the i-phone – a brrrrrrrap

Bible spoiler – Pontius Pilot did it.

Welsh 60’s spy – Austin Powis.

Blackberries – finger pricking good.

Booked a hotel room – was described as a 4 poster, there were: Betty Blue, Che Guevara, nice one of Audrey Hepburn and that 70’s tennis player scratching her bum.

Facebook status – ‘on the blob’

Countryside term for not being inbred – ‘lover from another mother’

Lady Gaga’s secret hiding place – her Lady Gaga den.

Lady in a hairdressers asks that her A symmetrical haircut is changed to an HB to match her pencil lined skirt.

Don’t eat the yellow snow, but also be careful as some will become black ice pees.

Mo-vember moves into Decem-beard and then just becomes a Janu-hairy.

Man walks into a concealed congestion charge sign – accident with emergent C.

The alight of your life – someone you constantly get off with.

I’ll be there with bells on – the motto of the Morris dancers.

My insults are so cutting – I’m the cuss cutter.

My work was classed as outstanding – high praise indeed till I realised it was a list of things I’d not handed in.

Donkeys years – eeeeeeeons ago.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An 85-year old man in New England is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

 

[Pubey]

lol!!!!!!!!!!!:smile:

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

One night a police Woman pulls over a drunk driver. She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. After he fails the breathalyser,
she says, "Anything you say, can and will be Held against you."
He replies "Your Breasts."

 

[steveo]

My Neighbour came round banging on my door at 3 o’clock this morning. 3 o’clock can you believe it!
Luckily I was still awake, playing my drums.

 

[Richard T]

Wife says to hubby "Did you know a bull has sex 3000 times a year, why can't you?"
Hubby replies, "Ask the bull if he sh@gs the same miserable cow every night!"

 

[Pubey]

Just bought a Jehovah's Witness
advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone
tells you to **** off.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Ma and Pa were rocking on the front porch, when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said ''What was that for?'' Pa said ''For forty years of bad sex.'' Ma said ''Oh'' and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said ''What was that for?'' Ma said ''For knowing the difference.''

 

[Richard T]

DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of North Yorkshire and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'so, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping'. 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals'. 'I got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired'.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bloody liar. He's never been out of the garden'

 

[sufc_tom]

My missus just left me after saying I think about football more than her.


I was gutted, I've been with her for five seasons.

 

[sufc_tom]

Average life expectancy: Woman: 81.7 years. Man: 77.4 years. Typical. Most don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup!