A Century United
Highland Exile
Two vultures discussing their favourite meals and one says
"Egrets? I've had a few..."
"Egrets? I've had a few..."
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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
I went to view a bungalow this morning. Was shown round by a right fit bird. I came out with a semi
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
When you feel lonely, do you wish you could feel the breath of someone up close to you? Do you wish they were touching you and rubbing up against you?................Take the Tube.
southend4ever
I used to play a little.
Bradford City have announced that tickets for the League Cup Final will start at 60 rupees each! Tickets will be limited to 40 per household!
buffalowolf
Director
IRELAND and RUSSIA go to war against each other, in talks between the irish ambassador and the russian ambassador,the irish ambassador says how many sips do you have, the russian says ,"we have over 100000 battleships, How many have you got " 1 replies the irish ambassador,how many submarines do you have, WE have over 100000 subs says the russian ambassador,"How many do you have" , 1 replies the Irish Ambassador and it leaks".How many planes do you have says the irish Ambassador. " We have over 100000 planes says the Russian A mbassador . How many do you have ""We have one says the Irish Ambassador, So says the irish ambasador how many troops do you have". "We have over 6 million troops says the Russian Ambassador proudly, How many do you have. "We have about 350000 if they all turn up says the Irish ambassador. So with this the Irish Ambassador says to the Russian Ambassador , We the government of Ireland are calling off this war, " what" replies the Russian Ambassador has our strength frightend you off". "OH no way replies the Irish Ambassador." its just that we have no where to put over 6 million prisoners"
buffalowolf
Director
Do you know why SANTA CLAUS has no children of his own?
Because he only comes once a year ,and thats down a chimney.
Because he only comes once a year ,and thats down a chimney.
johnlattimerssponge
First XI
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her
Mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment chair, whip and a gun. Who
Wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and begins to lick her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for thirty minutes before resting his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment chair, whip and a gun. Who
Wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and begins to lick her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for thirty minutes before resting his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged
from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
*A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, " My in-laws."
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, " My in-laws."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A Jewish man has prayed at the wailing wall for fifty years every morning and every evening never missing a day. A reporter hears of this and thinks this will make a good story. So he flies off to Israel to meet Mr Cohen and says to him ''Is that right, you have been coming here for fifty years every morning and every evening?'' Mr Cohen replies,'' Yes my boy, I have never missed a day.'' The reporter says, ''For the interest of our readers, what are you praying for?'' Mr Cohen replies, ''I pray my boy, that every Catholic, every Buddhist, every Jew and every Muslim and all the other religions will come together and live in peace.'' ''That's wonderful.'' the reporter says, ''But Mr Cohen, all this praying for the last fifty years, do you think it's done any good?'' ''My boy'' replies Mr Cohen, ''For what good it's done, I might as well been talking to a brick wall.''
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A Mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum.
Richard T
First XI
5 men sitting in a bar.
Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr Martinez, Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Moyes.
The first round was on Mr. Mourinho and he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others.
The second on was on Mr Martinez and he bought everybody a San Miguel.
The third was on Mr Wenger who bought everybody a glass of Red wine.
The fourth was on Mr Rodgers and he bought everybody a pint of Guinness except Moyes.
Then Mr, Moyes said ‘Hey guys what about my pint ?.
Rodgers looked at him and said sorry David this is the fourth round and you are not in it……………..
Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr Martinez, Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Moyes.
The first round was on Mr. Mourinho and he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others.
The second on was on Mr Martinez and he bought everybody a San Miguel.
The third was on Mr Wenger who bought everybody a glass of Red wine.
The fourth was on Mr Rodgers and he bought everybody a pint of Guinness except Moyes.
Then Mr, Moyes said ‘Hey guys what about my pint ?.
Rodgers looked at him and said sorry David this is the fourth round and you are not in it……………..
Last edited:
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be, because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be, because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
I once got into a fight with a really big guy. He said, "I'm gonna wipe the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah, Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to do the corners very well."
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