chapperzUK
Guest
Last night I was awoken by 4 west ham fans playing football with a hedgehog. I was disgusted and about to call the rspca when the hedgehog went one nil up!!
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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.
sufc_tom
Striker
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay."Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and ****ed off.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay."Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and ****ed off.
sufc_tom
Striker
In the sleepy village of Erbum, near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes.
She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn.
For some unknown reason, she gets embarressed whenever she receives her post...
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts.
She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn.
For some unknown reason, she gets embarressed whenever she receives her post...
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts.
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
I was gonna watch the world Origami championships on TV last night....until I found out it was pay per view...
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
The husband of that poor woman beheaded in Tenerife has just been on Sky news. He says he's really gutted, but at least he still has a shoulder to cry on.
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
A pregnant jamaican woman wakes up from a coma in hopsital and asks where her bump has gone. Doc says, it's ok, you had twins, a boy and a girl. We had to register them so your brother named them. 'Oh my god' she says 'hes totally thick, what did he call the girl'. ' DENISE' replies the doc. ' Actually, that's nice, I like that name, what did he call the boy?'......'DENEPHEW'
The Big Shrimp
Zone Photographer
The waiters in Tenerife should really learn English. The poor woman said DECAFFEINATED !!!
Ayrshire Blue
The Custard Splat
So Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter? I can't Imogen why.
Ayrshire Blue
The Custard Splat
I'm currently downloading the Imogen Thomas sex tape. Might take a while though, it's 11 Giggs.
Ayrshire Blue
The Custard Splat
I hope Sean Kingston shouted "Somebody call 911" when he crashed his jet ski.
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
I bought the wife a memory stick.....It's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer, my dinner or sex since her first beating!
steve54
Youth Team
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "P1ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*st*rds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "P1ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*st*rds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Q: What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A: A bisexual built for two!
A: A bisexual built for two!
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A chap comes home with some multi-flavoured condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited.
Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.
While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.
Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."
Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.
While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.
Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what's wrong? She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep, and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her ''What's wrong now.'' She replied "Your horse phoned."
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