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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

Forums New posts
I want to have three children and call them Ctrl, Alt and Delete.

Then if they **** up I will just hit them all at the same time.
 
David Blaine attempted suicide last night. Asked why, he said that he couldn’t live any longer because his record of doing nothing in a box for 44 days had just been broken by Fernando Torres
 
A prostitute is in the police station...

Officer: So Ms. when did you realised that you were raped?

Prostitute: When the cheque bounced
 
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye.
I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously had trouble listening
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
The London Marathon. A testament to what the Kenyans can do when presented with some clean drinking water.
 
Mid air on a plane, the pilot announced the journey time, altitude etc.

He didn't realise he'd left the the mic on and was heard by all the passengers saying to the co-pilot "Right, I'm going to go for a dump, then I'm going to bang that new air hostess.'

Red faced, the air hostess stormed off towards the cockpit. On the way, she was stopped by a sweet old lady who said 'No rush love, he said he was going for a dump first'.

Kind Regards
 
Didn't help myself in court yesterday.

I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."
 
I was fooling around with my wife last night, when she said, "Make me scream."

So I leaned over, opened the bedside drawer where she keeps all her vibrators. Took her hand, guided it into the drawer...

...and slammed it shut.
 
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey! David Hasselhoff!"
David says "Hey buddy, I don't really wanna be recognised, could you call me David Hoff?"
The barman replies "Sure, no hassel!"
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
 
At his wife's request Paddy visits the Sexologist. They chat for a while and the doctor shows Paddy some cards.
"What is this", says the doctor holding up some ink blotches.
"Why, that's 2 dogs going balls to the wall."
"And this", says the doctor holding up some more ink blotches.
"Why, that's a man giving it to the Missus from behind."
And this.
"Well that's a threesome."
"Well", says the doctor, "I'm afraid your wife appears to be right, Paddy, you're a sex maniac".
"I'm the sex maniac?!" Says Paddy indignantly, "You're the one with all the rude pictures!"
 
The American Navy dumped Osama Bin Laden's body into the sea wearing a West Ham kit. Apparently they wanted to make sure he stayed at the bottom.
 
I'm knackered; just spent the last hour and a half chasing a Daddy Long Legs round the house, only to find out I had a crack in my glasses.
 
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