Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[MK Shrimper]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".
A time traveller walks into a bar.


I was flicking through the channels on the TV tonight and just by chance I pressed number 1 on the remote.
It was absolutely brilliant, I think it's some kind of preview channel for Dave.

Imagine a world without speculation.

 

[chapperzUK]

The RSPCA have acted quickly after the weekends events in Newcastle. If you see an Arsenal fan with a dog, ask them to call 0800 4-0 4-1 4-2 4-3 4-4 for free advice on how to hold on to a lead.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

 

[pickledseal]

Not a joke as such, but none the less....

 

[EastStandBlue]

Frenchman walks into a Pole.










Birmingham score.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks a woman if she knows what her arsehole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, " Yes, but you have all the equipment''..... ''I will have to take you in and write you up a ticket!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

 

[Bluesmanager]

What did the egg say to the tree?

"Well, you're a fine old yoke, aren't you?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A young woman went to an evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an Apple, an Orange and a Pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a Black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "Swing your hips to the left and touch the Apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the Pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the Orange."

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"

"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your arse, and write 'Mississippi' on the Black-board ."

 

[chadded]

Do you live next door to a paedophile?


I don't, but I do live next door to two sexy ten year olds...

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
His fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ''Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?''

To which he replied: ''I found the remote.''

 

[chadded]

My mates new bird has been around the block a few times...




Like most women she's **** at parking

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they wern’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a Horse.”

“The other day I came home and found a jockey under the bed.”

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings or a job where someone wants you to give over 100%. How is more than 100% possible? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bu****it and *** kissing that will put you over the top.





Feel free to print this off and politely, or sarcastically ask the bum licker at work. ''Which one of these are you?''

 

[sufc_tom]

Apparently John Terry will have the first electronically tagged captain's armband - just so his team mates know where he is.

 

[sufc_tom]

To the vegetarians out there.

I eat the cows who produce the methane gas causing global warming. You eat the plants converting carbon dioxide into oxygen which is fixing global warming. So who's really killing the planet?

From a non-vegetarian.

 

[chadded]

I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted.

What kind of daughter charges her own father?

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on
gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for
women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.
After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that
now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives.
She interviewed a Kuwaiti woman, and one of the questions she asked
was, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to
say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge
ear: ''Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and
smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to
his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ''I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

''I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

For a change, I thought I'd try a spot of shopping in Colchester. Driving into that very old tiresome town, I saw a sign, 'Toilet Closed'. Oh well, back to the comfort of sunny Southend.
Wonder why they closed the town tho?