Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A newly married Sailor was informed by the Navy
that he was going to be stationed a long way from
home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss
his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby
of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,

"There you are, this will take your mind off things."
Eventually his
tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to
his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you
into bed so that I can make mad passionate love too you" She
kissed him and said, "First........ let's see you play that
harmonica."

 

[southend4ever]

Was at the Airport at Washington DC the other day and say a plane with NWA on the side. Imagine getting on that. 'This is your captain speaking, welcome aboard the hoe -plane!'

No Women Allowed?

 

[southend4ever]

Ain't seen as many minors pulled out the ground since they dug up Fred West's patio!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''
The husband says,''WHAT''

The wife says, ''Because you are not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.''

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight, and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but it's O.K., if you like it then let's get it.''

The wife is jumping up and down. she's so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.

She says ''I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register.'' The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff.'' The wife's face goes blank.
''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.''

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode, when her husband says. ''Because you are not in tune with my financial needs as a man.''

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Whats the difference between Alaskans and Liverpool?

Alaskans know how to handle wolves!!

 

[scrounger]

During a nasty fight with my wife, she punched me in the face so I screamed at her, "I'm going to ******* kill you."

She just stood there and said, "You need help."

I thought 'she's right'. So I phoned my mate Dave, he's bigger than her.

 

[ian180]

Parts of Liverpool were closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later confirmed it was a tax disc!

 

[marvel315]

all this january sale shopping lark is doing my head in.
went to boots, they don't seel boots,
went to currys, they don't sell curry,
went to selfridges, they don't sell fridges,
and that virgin megastore, what a ****ing letdown that was

 

[scrounger]

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...

 

[blues_r_best]

An SEO copywriter walked into a bar, club, drinks, snacks, live music, quiz, food, wine...

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing peasants and foxes with rifles, and people clap and cheer.
I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a fox and people just cried. Plus I didn't even have a gun. I had to use a hammer.

Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist, but then I realised we do have Men Studies.
It's called History.

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

 

[MrB]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a whiskey...






































... and coke.

The barman says "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says "Dunno. I've always had them."

 

[chadded]

SKY NEWS: "Assistant referee Sian Massey withdrawn from tonight's match between Crewe & Bradford"

Probably on her period.

 

[chadded]

The news that Andy Gray had been sacked from Sky Sports just came up on the TV, my wife was going on about how he deserves to be sacked from Sky Sports. I told her it was just a joke that has been blown out of proportion and that it was over the top to sack him. She insisted that it was fair to sack him and I should look at it from a women's point of view,

So I unplugged the TV, took it into the kitchen and watched it there.


Sexism in football. Bit of a Gray area.

 

[chadded]

Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.

 

[MrB]

Granddaughter: Hi Grandad how are you.
Granddad: I'm ok, but this cold weather is a real pain, can't wait for summer to come.
Granddaughter: Tell me something I don't know.
Granddad: Your Nana can take my whole fist up her ****.

 

[scrounger]

Did you hear that Gary Glitter is going for the Aston Villa job?

He had heard that the boys were Young, Bent and possibly Keane.

 

[Hazey]

Andy Gray, theres only one way out of this...

Find Maddie.

 

[pickledseal]

I really should be old enough to not find this funny.... but I do!
http://www.asmyjunk.com

 

[steveo]

The torres move to chelsea nearly broke down at the last minute as John Terry couldnt agree personal terms with Fernandos wife.

 

[Rob Noxious]

The torres move to chelsea nearly broke down at the last minute as John Terry couldnt agree personal terms with Fernandos wife.

Those Chelski boys will sure have a shock when they see Torres' vagina in the showers. :stunned: