Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what's happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a poo instead."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrendous," he replies, All I got was a splitting headache.
All she kept doing, was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

 

[Cricko]

I Went to the Doctors today ,she told me to stop masterbating .I asked her why ? she replied, she was trying to examine me :smiles:

 

[chadded]

BBC News: Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods.

An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,





"Paint my house."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn pal, watch and learn.." answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn pal, watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Scousers pile into another toilet nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the pope.

He went to St Peter’s square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on,ignoring the bishop.

Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter’s square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop’s shoulder and whispered in his ear........

"Didn’t I tell you to F off yesterday!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A farmer from Colchester walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arm.


"Honey," he says, "This is the pig that I shag when you're a bit tired."


The wife says, '' That’s a sheep, not a pig."


The farmer replies, " I wasn’t talking to you."

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Manchester United decided to have a team building exercise by holding an 80s retro night.

Scholes arrived in a Cavalier, Giggs turned up in a Sierra and Rooney came in an Escort…

****************************************************************************************

You've now got to feel sorry for the McCanns.
Madeline being the Stig was their last hope

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew he had to take care of the complaints. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats, and he stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fecking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French **** again"

 

[steveo]

Just finished downloading the Koran. Do you want me to burn you a copy?

 

[chadded]

I saw a woman about to park outside my house and said, "I don't think you can park there, love".

She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there".

I said, "You probably can't park there either"

She said, "Why the **** not?"

I said, "Because you're a woman.''

 

[Cricko]

I woke up this morning at 8 and I could just smell something was wrong.Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing, I panicked, didn't know what to do........then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.

 

[chadded]

One of my ex girlfriends phoned me today to say that she's just discovered she's HIV positive.
She was very upset and apologetic, and stressed that I get tested immediately in case I've also been infected.

I had a long chat with her and managed to calm her down in the end.
I told her there was no need for me to be tested, as I was already diagnosed with it at a young age.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a sweet wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...

not the Breathalyser again!"

 

[southend4ever]

Titus Bramble arrested for rape? One things for sure... his defence will be s**t

 

[southend4ever]

Little Johnny's teacher says "Whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school."
Teacher: " Who said - ask not what your country can do for you?"
Before little Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy."
Teacher says "Very good, Nancy, You can go."
Teacher asks: "Who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts "Martin Luther King."
Teacher says: "Very good, Mary, you can go."
At this point Little Johnny is raging and just as the the teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those f*cking sluts would keep their f*cking mouths shut!"
Teacher turns round and shouts "Who said that?"
Johnny replies "Wayne Rooney, miss, See you tomorrow!"

 

[chadded]

Was at the Airport at Washington DC the other day and say a plane with NWA on the side. Imagine getting on that. 'This is your captain speaking, welcome aboard the hoe -plane!'