Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.

Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles, as they hadn't been used.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.

Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. Did you just say you're wife's friend?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, with only suitably shaped holes in the trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed ''What the hell did you do that for?'' Tarzan replied, ''I always check for squirrels.''

 

[scrounger]

A man rushes into his house and yells at his wife 'Brenda, pack ya things. I've just won the lottery,'
Brenda replies, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
'I don't care,' says the man, 'just as long as you're out of the house by noon,'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body increases to 10 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will have you fired!"

The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"

One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says "the part of the body that increases to 10 times it size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day you're going to be very very disappointed."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Q. If I had one green ball in one hand, and another green ball in another hand, what would I have?





A. The undivided attention of the jolly green giant.

 

[Bluesmanager]

Oh boy...

I'm laughing and I know I shouldn't.

Bugger.

 

[chapperzUK]

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

 

[Frankie the half breed]

I always wonder how I can commit to 1 girl for the rest of my life, when I can't **** to the same porn twice.

 

[Frankie the half breed]

I was in the pub the other night and there was this proper fit bird. There she was with one of her mates who was an absolute pig!
"How long you gonna be here for" I asked the munter.
She said, "Oh were only having a few drinks and heading back home".
I smiled and replied "Let me rephrase what I mean......"How long you gonna be here cos i want you to **** off so I can talk to your mate."

 

[A Century United]

My wife thinks I am gullible and financially irresponsible.



I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've won the Nigerian Lottery.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."






"But ye s**g ONE sheep, Just ONE SHEEP...."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of the bulls. The auctioneer announces the first bull to be auctioned, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and comments, "See! That's was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
The wife elbows her husband in the ribs, "Hey, that one does it 10 times a month. Why can't you do that?"
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife elbows her husband even harder in the ribs and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! It's making you look silly"
The husband shouts out to the auctioneer, "Sure, once a day! Great!............... But was it with the same old cow?"

 

[Vultan]

I got in car accident this morning where I went right into the back of the car in front, all of a sudden a dwarf man got out the car...

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and screams, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!.........I AM NOT F**KIN HAPPY'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy from Colchester, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the scantily clad young woman, and whispered in her ear... .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

 

[Napster]

Jokes from the Noticketshow - on twitter.

Tell you what really makes my blood boil, defective sunbeds.


I used to spend all night worrying about insomnia, but now I try not to lose any sleep over it.
If the EU ban the use of Imperial measurements in the UK I hope the Government comes down on them like 1016 Kilos of bricks. about 2 hours ago via web

Ironically I always forget the date of Remembrance Sunday.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but not if you’re on a first date with a stutterer.

My problem with films about mythical, fire breathing reptiles is that they have a tendency to drag on.

I recently misunderstood "International Talk Like a Pirate Day", spent the whole day going up to people saying "Wanna buy a DVD?"

The best advice that Einstein ever gave me was “Never cat sit for Erwin Schrödinger".

It's a little known fact that Pheidippides, the original Marathon runner, did it dressed as a rhino and was running for a Greek orphanage.

 

[Crawliano]

Q: What do you call a woman with two c**ts?
A: N-Dubz.