Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[The Big Shrimp]

What do you call a ginger prostitute?

Orange Pay As You Go!

 

[ldnfatso]

A scouser walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,


'Hi. You know, I just hate drawing benefits.
I'd really rather have a job.'


The social worker behind the counter said,
'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be

provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your
job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her
mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the
salary is around £200,000 a year.'


The scouser says 'You're bullshittin me!'



The social worker answered 'Well you started it, now f**k off''.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut, after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions, ham and cheese. A police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy walked into a bar in Colchester and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see a gay guy..

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Braintree."

The bartender asked, "What the heck do you do in Braintree?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, " What the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I stuff and mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

What do you call a girl with no ar5ehole?

Cheryl...

 

[GBJ]

I have a dream.

A dream of a world where the evil blacks are segregated from whites. We will fight, capture and eventually destroy the blacks. We will slay their horses, execute their religious figures... even the Royal Family will join our battle and fight side by side with us.












Anyway, i'm thinking of calling it "Chess".

 

[GBJ]

My job is so ****ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work.
Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ****ing day.

Anyway, I drive these ******* around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.

 

[GBJ]

I've strapped a lawnmower engine to a cardboard box and managed to get the DVLA to register it.


Time to find out whether those ***** on TV really do buy any car

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the Horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks even harder on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your Horse is on the phone."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blond at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,"No I saw what you did to the redhead"! They shout we don't like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies. Then they shout to the blond to jump off into the blanket. But the blond says,"no I saw what you did to them"! They shout out ''But we didn't like them, we like blond's!'' The blond then says, "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step away!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A husband and his wife are sitting by the fire one night trying to think of something to do and the husband finally says, "Hey honey, see if you can tell me something thàt makes me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a while and says, "O.K.....you have a bigger willy than all your best friends."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "NO, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "NO"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.

The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for Booka. The tribe starts screaming ''BOOKA, BOOKA'' and start dancing around. The chief then rips the explorers pants off and gives him one.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming ''BOOKA, BOOKA'' and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and gives him one.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An Essex girl goes shopping. She's going round a department
store when one of the assistants comes up to her and asks her if she'd like to try a new perfume.
She says yes please and the assistant sprays some on her wrist. It smells really
nice and the Essex girl asks the assistant what it's called.
The assistant replies, ''It's called 'Viens a cote de moi'.'' ''What
does that mean?'' says the Essex girl. ''It means 'come to me'
in French,'' replies the assistant.

The Essex girl sniffs her wrist and says, ''It doesn't smell like
come to me.''

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Arsenal have announced that they are going to rename their Trophy Room.

From next week it will be known as The Room!!!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.
The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathematics.
He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.
They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".
The native repeats, "Tree".
They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".
The native repeats the word, "Bush".
They walk around the bush – and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple, whoops. The Missionary hopes that the native won’t ask about it, but he does.
The native asks – "What is that? What are they doing?"
And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!"
Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.
The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"
The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says…
"Beans, 49 cents an ounce!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Bill and Hillary Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee’s baseball game. The row behind them is filled with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something into the President’s ear.
Bill Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railings! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives".
The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, " Mr. President, I said,

"They want you to throw out the "FIRST PITCH!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey numb nuts, you're standing on my oxygen tube?