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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.
Ron Manager
formerly Libertine
I thought so too. Shamelessly stolen from an ex-pat Ulsterman who's my mate over there.
southend4ever
I used to play a little.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the lady' driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is £1 a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Moshe Dead'."
Confounded at the woman, the editor stammers that there is a 6-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses, and replies, "In that case, 'Moshe Dead: V-Reg Saab for sale'."
Confounded at the woman, the editor stammers that there is a 6-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses, and replies, "In that case, 'Moshe Dead: V-Reg Saab for sale'."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney, and what a fabulous adventure it was!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being Ten again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being Ten again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, why are you so happy?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, why are you so sad?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I CAN'T SWIM!"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, why are you so sad?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I CAN'T SWIM!"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town near the Mississippi river. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his bum hole.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Manoeuvre works every time."
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his bum hole.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Manoeuvre works every time."
Dave of the Match
AKA Dan
Ah, Valentines Day. Or, as it's known in Colchester, Mother's Day the Second.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
So I'm at work yesterday and the mail clerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I'm thinking "Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?" Fortunately, I'm only 29 years old. You'll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can get.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can get.
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
What did the gay man say in the Chinese restaurant?
"May I please have the cream of sum yung gai?"
"May I please have the cream of sum yung gai?"
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK
Life President⭐⭐🦐
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you Bad Cop told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you Bad Cop told you I was speeding, too!"
Interpol Shrimper
Member
Rejected Windows7 adverts...
I'm Kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea
I'm Joseph Fritzl and no windows was my idea
I'm Kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea
I'm Joseph Fritzl and no windows was my idea
Usual_Suspect
Members
What's worse then a dog chewing your shoes?
A killer whale eating your trainer
A killer whale eating your trainer
Lancashire shrimper
Youth Team
Chaos reigns at the Winter Olympics. After the death in the Luge, the Irish bob sleigh team are refusing to complete until the course is gritted
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
I had to go to the doctors today as I found a lump on my testicle. The doctor had a good feel and said 'Don't worry, it's normal to get a hard on'
'I haven't got a hard on' I replied
He said 'I was talking about me, not you'
'I haven't got a hard on' I replied
He said 'I was talking about me, not you'
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
Cheryl Cole has just shaved her pubes right off. It's the second black **** she's got rid of this week!
davewebbsbrain
Webby⭐🦐
It's been revealed why Wayne Bridge didn't shake John Terry's hand yesterday......Apparently "Smell my fingers" didn't go down too well in the tunnel!
Ayrshire Blue
The Custard Splat
Wayne Bridge sent John Terry a text after yesterdays game, 'that's how you play away from home'
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