Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[southend4ever]

Roberto Mancini has promised City players and fans that he will bring one new face in before the January transfer window closes. Tevez and Lescott are currently arguing over who is going to get it.

I still remember playtime at school, a bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette & fingering girls behind the bike sheds.... I loved that caretakers job!!

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs.
The dance floor was crawling with fanny.

 

[Clinton Baptiste]

It has now been revealed that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with 9 women, thats a full 18 holes if you count the back 9 !!

 

[Ron Manager]

Bohemian Rhapsody - Glasgow style

Is this the real life?
Or is it the methodone?
Stuck in the Gorbals, two bob fur the telephone?
Open yer wine, an' talk wi' a whine........like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Um just a weeji,
Gie us yer Sunny D
Cos I'll chib yer pal,
Rip yer da,
Slash yer dug,
Ride yer ma!
Any way the Clyde flows, disnae really matter tae me.....tae me.

Haw maw, just chibbed some bam
Buckie bottle tae the heid
Noo the f*kin' bustards deid!
Haw maw, um just oan parole
An noo I'm headin back tae Barlineeeee......
Haw Maw.......oohooh ooh
Never meant tae steal yer purse
But if I'm no fu' o' smack this time the morra'
Carry oot, carry oot!
An we'll go oot on the batter!

Too late...the bailiff's here
Sends shivers doon ma spine
Gubbed 10 jellies just in time
Goodbye all ma muckers, I've got tae go
Got to go and rip some w*nk fae up the scheme
Haw Maw.......oohooh oooh
I'm a jakey bam,
I sometimes think I've never been washed at all

I see a little silhouetto of a bam
Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us some Kappa?
Thunderbird, White Lightning,
Very very Frightening, me!
Twenty Mayfair ? (Twenty Mayfair !)
Twenty Mayfair ? (Twenty Mayfair and some skins!)
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!
I'm just a fat boy, nae body loves me
He's just a fat boy fae a fat family!
Spare us a pound for a wee cup o' tea?

Get tae f*ck, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
For f*cksake.........NO I will not get a job
Get a job!
For f*cksake........ NO I will not get a job
Get a job........willnae get a job
Get a job........willnae get a job
no no no no no....

Oh gonorrheoea!
Gonnorrhoea!
Gonnorhoea and the clap!
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside
For me? For me,
For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So you hink ye can slash me an pish in ma eye?
So ye hink ye can chib me an leave me tae die?
Haw bawbag!
Can't dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I'm oot
Just wait till I'm right oot ma nut!!

F*ck all really matters, anyone can see
F*ck all really matters.....
F*ck all really matters.....
Tae meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........eeeeeeeeee.........eeeee eeeee!!!

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Just put a deposit down on a new Porsche. I put on my facebook status 'can't wait for the new 911' and now 4,000 muslims have added me as a friend!

 

[southend4ever]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.

Apparently the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did!!

 

[southend4ever]

Alcohol free lager......................

It's like licking your sister's fanny. It tastes the same but it's just not right.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"Then what happened?" asked a man.

"Then we broke for lunch." said Rabbi Moishe.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only £20! Comes with complete instructions, satisfaction guaranteed."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Good," the elder monk says. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. "B.J. Titsangolf." he replied.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The beer drinker's prayer

Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The talent and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.

 

[Moody Blues]

I watched intently as the other woman delicately inserted her finger into my wifes pussy.
Understandably, I decide to have a ****




Midwives eh! No sense of humour at all

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The three wise men arrived to visit the baby lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.

Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!’

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A little boy goes to his father and asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I setup a date thru e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
£38.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for £43.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you have a
drink."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A carton of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 

[Ron Manager]

Robbie Keane is set to return to Spurs tomorrow, apparently the loan was only until the end of Celtics season.

 

[Ron Manager]

Peter Robinson says to his wife Iris Robinson "Dear wife, tell me something that will make me laugh and cry at the same time"

Iris replies "Gerry Adams' penis is much smaller than yours"

 

[southend4ever]

What do the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow and Vanessa Perroncel have in common? John Terry slipped in both their boxes.