Ask Jonny

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Johnny,

Recently I posted a witty and insightful comment about Balti pies when in no way slagging them off, when this East End bully neg repped me and now I'm inconsolable and thinking of running off to join the circus to wrestle midgets in lard.

Muchos Gracias Senor Tighty Short Shorts Monkey Boy.

Dear MK,

A thali is not suitable for a 15 minute scoff at a footer match, whereas the pie is, indeed, the half time Holy Trinity of chicken, pastry and balti.

1. Thou shalt have no other half time foodstuffs but Chicken Balti Pie.
2. Thou shalt not worship any other pie.
3. Don not take the name of Chicken Balti Pie in vain.
4. Thou shalt remember and keep the Chicken Balti Pie half time holy.
5. Respect thy Shire Foods Ltd.
6. Thou shalt not kill for a Chicken Balti Pie (unless it asks you to).
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery by eating a Steak and Kidney pie.
8. Thou shalt not steal a Chicken Balti Pie.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against Chicken Balti Pie.
10.Thou shalt not covet your neighbour's Chicken Balti Pie.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[J]

Dear Jonny,

How do i resist the temptation daily, to smash your face all over east islam, i mean london, and refrain from abusing you on this forum.

Thanks
J

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Johnny,

I am half way through my final examinations, which mean I have done four and have four to go, all of which are next week. ONe on tuesday, one wednesday, one friday and one saturday. I am slowly losing faith trying to prepare for all four at the same time and having no real time between them to refocus. How do you advice I approach the final four? Do I need to look at the whole picture, of is it a case of one match at a time? Surely that would not leave me enough time to adjust my tactics and formation to full effect?

Thanking you in advance (to save me doing it after)

S2TC

Dear Shrimper2theCore,

If they're GCSE's, **** it. You'll pass anyway and employers don't give a toss.
If they're A-Levels, **** it, unless you're liable to get below a C without revision.
If they're 1st Year University exams **** it, you only need to pass.
If they're University exams in another year, **** it unless you're going to get below a 3rd (is that possible?) without revision.
If they're work-based, then get you rear in gear because they'll charge you if you fail, and passing = pay rise bargaining chip.

In primary or tertiary industries it's all about experience and personality. Your very own agony uncle barely ever did any revision, and now he gets to boss an SZ owner around at work!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

How do i resist the temptation daily, to smash your face all over east islam, i mean london, and refrain from abusing you on this forum.

Thanks
J

Dear J,

Don't bother resisting - with all that waddling to try and catch me, you could actually lose a few pounds! As for the abuse, I recommend that you come back with some new material as the 'new you' will need some 'new threads'! I'll even go and get some 'new virtual teeth' for myself.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[J]

Dear J,

Don't bother resisting - with all that waddling to try and catch me, you could actually lose a few pounds! As for the abuse, I recommend that you come back with some new material as the 'new you' will need some 'new threads'! I'll even go and get some 'new virtual teeth' for myself.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

It would be more reality than virtual.

 

[J]

Oh yeah, only Joking like. ;)

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Is it too early in the season to open the surgery?

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

I have this friend, who only has a tendency to text gone midnight. When will he ever get the message that i'm hardly ever up at this time? And when I dont reply until the morning when I get up, he again texts at stupid o'clock. Whats the best thing to do with this fool?!

The same fool texted me at a reasonable hour during the week after a month or so not hearing from him. I bet texting me before 10pm wont happen again!

Thanks.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Vange Shrimper,

This friend doesn't sound like a friend at all - they sound like a nuisance. They're probably sitting across the road in a non-descript vehicle right now, trying to watch the shadows against your curtains.

Their recent activity is probably just a clever ploy to deceive you into thinking that they've turned over a new leaf, when, in reality, they are a very dangerous individual. Avoid them at all costs.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[MK Shrimper]

Dear Johnny,

I feel that I have been cheated out of my rightful place twice now on this website by a mysterious cabal of toothless old men who abuse their powers. Now do you think I should speak to some VERY CLEVER LAWYERS to sue the very pants of this website or should I let sleeping dogs lie until I'm in close proximity to this cabal of evil and then do a big sneeze in their girly shandies when they're looking the other way when concocting some evil plan to steal my underpants.

Yours in misery.

Me.

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Dear Johnny,

I feel that I have been cheated out of my rightful place twice now on this website by a mysterious cabal of toothless old men who abuse their powers. Now do you think I should speak to some VERY CLEVER LAWYERS to sue the very pants of this website or should I let sleeping dogs lie until I'm in close proximity to this cabal of evil and then do a big sneeze in their girly shandies when they're looking the other way when concocting some evil plan to steal my underpants.

Yours in misery.

Me.

Dear me..........I suggest a self imposed ban to rid yourself of some of these muppetts that run there own threads.

You will come back refreshed and feeling a new man (not Cricko)

If all else fails, get pi**sed and pick a fight with a small bloke!!

 

[MK Shrimper]

Hang on, I asked Uncle Jonny, not evil Auntie David :p

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny,

I feel that I have been cheated out of my rightful place twice now on this website by a mysterious cabal of toothless old men who abuse their powers. Now do you think I should speak to some VERY CLEVER LAWYERS to sue the very pants of this website or should I let sleeping dogs lie until I'm in close proximity to this cabal of evil and then do a big sneeze in their girly shandies when they're looking the other way when concocting some evil plan to steal my underpants.

Yours in misery.

Me.

Dear MK Shrimper,

What I suggest you do is loosen some ceiling light fixtures in close proximity to these senile old Fools. Pretend that you've got a mate ready to catch said lights to lull themselves into a false sense of security and then carefully drop the lamps on their heads.

In the unlikely event that this cunning plan doesn't work, why not saw some holes in the bar at The Spread and wait for them to trip over their walking sticks, falling through said gaps.

The good news is, not only will they break their oesteoperosis-riddled hips, they'll also a) find this the funniest thing in the history of the world, and b) never remember due to dementia.

If all else fails, go home and watch a comedy that's actually funny to cheer yourself up.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Reg Martin]

Is it too early in the season to open the surgery?

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Dear Johnny

My father is an Orient fan - are there any known cures for this disease? Is it terminal?

Regards
Teesside Shrimper

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny

My father is an Orient fan - are there any known cures for this disease? Is it terminal?

Regards
Teesside Shrimper

Dear Teeside Shrimper,

He's f***ed.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Reg Martin]

Dear Teeside Shrimper,

He's f***ed.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Dear Jonny

I feared as much.
Are there any support groups for relatives of sufferer's of this debilitating illness?

Teesside Shrimper

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

I feared as much.
Are there any support groups for relatives of sufferer's of this debilitating illness?

Teesside Shrimper

Dear Teeside Shrimper,

There is a large support meeting happening in Essex tonight, bringing the afflicted of two small asylums together. If you can't make it down to this one, the next lunatic convention is at the same venue on the 26th of September.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Dear Jonny

My club lost 5-2 at the weekend after our centre-mid thought it was Tuesday already. The previous weekend we lost after the ref lost control and sent off our other centre-mid. I can't blame the manager who is a living legend and isn't actually doing that bad a job this season, so I want to blame the chairman. Should I blame him for not spending any money on new signings, or should I blame him for spending too much money on new signings?

Any advice so that we could have a harmonious relationship with our chairman like tonight's opponents' fans have would be appreciated.

Yours in desperation,

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

My club lost 5-2 at the weekend after our centre-mid thought it was Tuesday already. The previous weekend we lost after the ref lost control and sent off our other centre-mid. I can't blame the manager who is a living legend and isn't actually doing that bad a job this season, so I want to blame the chairman. Should I blame him for not spending any money on new signings, or should I blame him for spending too much money on new signings?

Any advice so that we could have a harmonious relationship with our chairman like tonight's opponents' fans have would be appreciated.

Yours in desperation,

Dear Cousin Weir,

Signings? What are they?

For my experience of Chairman, please see below:

Dear Bazza,

You utter, utter [censored for legal reasons]. The way you [censored for legal reasons] and [censored for legal reasons] to yourself! I find it frankly unbelieveable that [censored for legal reasons] in so short a time! I suspect that [censored for legal reasons] didn't it? [censored for legal reasons] and subsequently [censored for legal reasons] war in Rwanda destroyed his coffee plantations and left him a broken man, which was very convenient as [censored for legal reasons] and now you can [censored for legal reasons]. So in summary, you [censored for legal reasons] and that means [censored for legal reasons] and I feel that [censored for legal reasons] and that thing with the wombat.

Yours in disgust,

Uncle Jonny

As you can see, I left Bazza no kisses at all as he has been a naughty boy. I suggest that you leave no kisses for Ronald "Charlie" MacDonald in future correspondance either. He'll soon learn his lesson.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Uncle Jonny,

I am a pretty committed supporter of a ****ing useless football team. Usually I don't mind them being useless, as it's what I've come to expect over the years, but at the moment I've even stopped enjoying going. The ropey old ground I used to know and love has been replaced with a soulless, ugly matchbox, the chairman is a thieving chancer, the manager has lost the plot and the team are a feckless shower of gutless ****s. Why the **** should I bother going to watch them on Sauturday?

Regards,

Uncle Jonny