Ask Jonny

[Southminster_Shrimper]

blimey........i can see some rough sex on the horizon.........:cool:

Really....where, where?

 

[Flinty]

wednesday....roots hall........look for an odd couple......one with a potatoe and one in white stilletos......;)

 

[Southminster_Shrimper]

wednesday....roots hall........look for an odd couple......one with a potatoe and one in white stilletos......;)

Well I hope I can see from the West Stand then.....it will save a bit on the TV-X subscription if nothing else....

 

[PlayGirl_Bunny]

Dear Jonny,

I am disturbed by the lack of romance shown by certain zone members on here. What can you suggest to these zoners as to the correct way to treat the Ladies Of Essex?

Thank you x P_B

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear everybody,

I notice that a great number of you seem to have be queueing outside of my surgery this week. I'm afraid I have been far too busy hob-nobbing with Charley from Big Brother to deal with your enquiries. However, it seems from a cursory examination that none of your maladies seem too serious, seeing as you have been sitting on the doorstep chatting bo llocks. No wonder my practice nurse hasn't shown up! If anyone spots her, please let me know of her whereabouts:

The surgery is open for business.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

I am disturbed by the lack of romance shown by certain zone members on here. What can you suggest to these zoners as to the correct way to treat the Ladies Of Essex?

Thank you x P_B

Dear P_B,

The correct way to treat an Essex Girl is to compliment her on the clarity of her agent orange fake tan (remember not mention the bit she's missed under her double chin), buy a single plastic red rose out of the bucket of the aimiable travelling fellow often found at traffic lights, and purchase an expensive meal (double chips from 'The Fish House' should do it - though don't put malt vinegar on them; she might think you're too posh) and that should be enough to secure you an evening of er, 'accommodating hospitality'. Remember though, Zoners, an Essex girl has a 53% chance of having slept with Danny Dyer, so always make sure you use protection. A bus shelter should do the trick.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Dear P_B,

The correct way to treat an Essex Girl is to compliment her on the clarity of her agent orange fake tan (remember not mention the bit she's missed under her double chin), buy a single plastic red rose out of the bucket of the aimiable travelling fellow often found at traffic lights, and purchase an expensive meal (double chips from 'The Fish House' should do it - though don't put malt vinegar on them; she might think you're too posh) and that should be enough to secure you an evening of er, 'accommodating hospitality'. Remember though, Zoners, an Essex girl has a 53% chance of having slept with Danny Dyer, so always make sure you use protection. A bus shelter should do the trick.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

Or tell her (in this case), she's done a fabulous old Brighton seafront trick of tucking her knackers back up inside her pelvis :p

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

I'm afraid I have been far too busy nobbing Charley from Big Brother

You poor soul, although to be honest I'd be interested in how she managed to wrestle off your tighty-tight LOFC short-shorts. Did she have a gallon drum off industrial strength lubricant in her flat?

PS - Isn't she really her 'cousin' Kieran (biggest tantrum in living memory to grace The Hall) Richardson in drag?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Oh dear, kittens! What with all the set-tos, to-dos and boo-hoos going on on SZ at the moment, it's high time I threw open the surgery doors! Tell Uncie Jonny your woes, and I'll be sure to point out how we're getting relegated next year to cheer you up.

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Dear Jonny

The other day on my way to an important play-off game, some "football" fan in an unfetching red shirt made a derogatory comment about the team I support, despite the fact that their season was already over and their team was lost in mid-table mediocrity (possibly even a relegation battle, to be honest, I haven't really had any need to look that far down the league table for some time). How should I have responded without appearing smug or drawing attention to their inferiority complex? I don't believe in abusing the mentally handicapped.
Thanks

 

[steveo]

Dear Johnny
I regularly disagree with the views of some of the zones left wing posters but never feel the need to meet up and fight to the death. I realise this is not the normal behaviour of a zoner. Am I a being wimp?

 

[loz]

Dear Johnny
I regularly disagree with the views of some of the zones left wing posters but never feel the need to meet up and fight to the death. I realise this is not the normal behaviour of a zoner. Am I a being wimp?

Outside, now. being a a good left-wing type, I shall allow you to beat me to a pulp before taking you to the European Court of Human Rights :p

 

[Southminster_Shrimper]

Dear Jonny,

When is the next genuine new member going to join SZ?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

The other day on my way to an important play-off game, some "football" fan in an unfetching red shirt made a derogatory comment about the team I support, despite the fact that their season was already over and their team was lost in mid-table mediocrity (possibly even a relegation battle, to be honest, I haven't really had any need to look that far down the league table for some time). How should I have responded without appearing smug or drawing attention to their inferiority complex? I don't believe in abusing the mentally handicapped.
Thanks

Dear Cousin Weir,

This is a bit of a 'grey' area. Although I personally find the Crewe Alexandra kit quite fetching, it was obviously a 'red rag' to a bull for you! I hope you pointed out that garish red was soooo last autumn, and has been going out of fashion ever since! So don't feel 'blue', that was was just 'green' with envy and too 'yellow' to follow through with anything more than a snide comment! LOL! Try watching Rainbow to take your mind off things.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny
I regularly disagree with the views of some of the zones left wing posters but never feel the need to meet up and fight to the death. I realise this is not the normal behaviour of a zoner. Am I a being wimp?

Dear steveo,

Are you sure that, deep down, you're not suffering from an acute case of pinko lieberalism? Perhaps you should go and hug a hoodie to find out? If you start projectile vomiting at the thought, then your right-wing sensibilites are still in place. You should go and find one of the millions of feral foreigns over-running the country and diluting our precious and centuries-pure gene pool, and summararily execute them! Serves them right for eating our taxes and sponging off our swans!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

When is the next genuine new member going to join SZ?

Dear Southminster,

The spirit guides tell me that "Cricko's Absurd Blue Pram Legend" will be joining soon!

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Dear Jonny,

When is my London based mate going to take me out to the pub and dinner again to catch up?

Thanks.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

When is my London based mate going to take me out to the pub and dinner again to catch up?

Thanks.

Dear Vag,

Just be patient. Your mate will probably give you a call in about five minutes if the bloody washing machine ever finishes and they can hear themselves think.

Love,

Uncle Jonny x

 

[MK Shrimper]

Dear Uncle Johnny,

Recently I posted a witty and insightful comment about Balti pies when in no way slagging them off, when this East End bully neg repped me and now I'm inconsolable and thinking of running off to join the circus to wrestle midgets in lard.

Muchos Gracias Senor Tighty Short Shorts Monkey Boy.

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Dear Uncle Johnny,

I am half way through my final examinations, which mean I have done four and have four to go, all of which are next week. ONe on tuesday, one wednesday, one friday and one saturday. I am slowly losing faith trying to prepare for all four at the same time and having no real time between them to refocus. How do you advice I approach the final four? Do I need to look at the whole picture, of is it a case of one match at a time? Surely that would not leave me enough time to adjust my tactics and formation to full effect?

Thanking you in advance (to save me doing it after)

S2TC