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Ask Jonny

Forums New posts
Dave the Shrimper said:
Dear Jonny,

I work in a small office of just four men and two women. Now the women if I can say this in a nice way are not great.

To give you an idea,our best looking woman is a tubby 48 year old semi-woman with rats hair - Our worst looks like the offspring of a threesome involving Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy.

The worse woman of the two despite being slightly larger that the british standard size so she tells me ( Actually she is about 20 stone) insisits on wearing a low cut top everyday.

I would normally look down the top of any woman who had them on show between the ages of say 16-65 but for some reason I cannot bring myself to look at these gigantic mounds of flab.

As her boss should I ask her to cover up her celebrity sized breasts or allow her to continue to flaught her chubby charlies?

Tks
DtS
Click to expand...

Dear David,

I suggest you go and work with Ben (see above).

Love,

Uncle Jonny.
 
The Big Shrimp said:
Dear Jonny,

I'm writing this on the behalf of a "friend" of mine. His problem is this:

Dear Uncle Jonny,

A couple of years ago I decided to build a new stand for my football team. We don't have a lot of money, but I manged to clinch a deal with some builders & sold some of the ground off. With that money I built the new stand. It looked great from the road, it had nice facilities inside, but once inside I realised my grave error. We had only built the lower tier!!! I've tried to hide my **** up & have built a balcony to sit about 50 people on! I've compounded my problem building another stand, which due to a typo the builder have only fitted 1300 seats, not the 3000 it should have been!

My problem is, do I come clean & admit my error & be laughed at even more, or should I make up some bullsh!t reason why I've built this ugly stand. I feel desperate at spoiling my teams ground.

What do I do to put it right? Find a new ground or go into hiding?

Yours sincerely,

Bazza
Click to expand...

Dear Bazza,

You utter, utter [censored for legal reasons]. The way you [censored for legal reasons] and [censored for legal reasons] to yourself! I find it frankly unbelieveable that [censored for legal reasons] in so short a time! I suspect that [censored for legal reasons] didn't it? [censored for legal reasons] and subsequently [censored for legal reasons] war in Rwanda destroyed his coffee plantations and left him a broken man, which was very convenient as [censored for legal reasons] and now you can [censored for legal reasons]. So in summary, you [censored for legal reasons] and that means [censored for legal reasons] and I feel that [censored for legal reasons] and that thing with the wombat.

Yours in disgust,

Uncle Jonny
 
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Dear Jonny

Tilson is ****ing me off with his management style... what a I do to resolve this and also if this can't be sorted where is best place to get an Orient season ticket?
 
Dear TrueBlue,

I'm not sure you can personally do anything much, short of kidnapping Ron Martin's children and demanding Tilson's head (literally) for the ransom. If you wait until Christmas you'll have a much clearer picture of how the season is going to unfold - if it's all going to tits, then half-season Orient tickets will be available from the Matchbox Stadium, Birdbrain Road. Plus Santa will have visited so you'll be in a better mood anyway.

Love,

Uncle Jonny.
 
Jonny_Stokes said:
Dear TrueBlue,

I'm not sure you can personally do anything much, short of kidnapping Ron Martin's children and demanding Tilson's head (literally) for the ransom. If you wait until Christmas you'll have a much clearer picture of how the season is going to unfold - if it's all going to tits, then half-season Orient tickets will be available from the Matchbox Stadium, Birdbrain Road. Plus Santa will have visited so you'll be in a better mood anyway.

Love,

Uncle Jonny.
Click to expand...

Dear Jonny ,

Following this would I be a welcome character down at the matchbox?
 
Dear Jonny,
Things have got so desperately slow on here this week, I am asking nicely for this popular feature to be revived.
Yours expectantly
Comatose in Caledonia
 
GlasgowSUFC said:
Dear Jonny,
Things have got so desperately slow on here this week, I am asking nicely for this popular feature to be revived.
Yours expectantly
Comatose in Caledonia
Click to expand...

Maybe its time for the establishment of a new totty cup then? How about the Oceania totty world cup qualifiers? Maybe then Miss Valance will have a shot at winning after her disgraceful exit from the previous tournament :(
 
Dear Johnny,

The elderly gentlemen known as John Crickson seems to be bullying me with his homophobic taunts. Could you pop round with some Leytonstone chavs and let the tyres down on his wheelchair?


Ta,

MK.
 
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Irish_Shrimper said:
All done! ;)
Click to expand...

GlasgowSUFC said:
Much to SBH's chagrin! He had the copyright, I'm guessing! :hilarious:
Click to expand...

Actually, I'm just a little concerned about it. I personally think it's far too soon for another round. I'm sure it'll fly anyway (and I'll happily join in) but some people felt that it took over the Pub, and some people may even have stopped visiting.

Less is more chaps is what I'm thinking.
 
South Bank Hank said:
Actually, I'm just a little concerned about it. I personally think it's far too soon for another round. I'm sure it'll fly anyway (and I'll happily join in) but some people felt that it took over the Pub, and some people may even have stopped visiting.

Less is more chaps is what I'm thinking.
Click to expand...

True, why not do the selection today, then wait a week or so for the contest?
 
GlasgowSUFC said:
True, why not do the selection today, then wait a week or so for the contest?
Click to expand...

That's fine by me lads - Sorry if getting a little ahead of myself SBH - didnt want to step on anyones toes...should have sought permission for tapping into the world of Totty Cup...i won't be here for most of next week as going to essex for the huddersfield game - can i pass it off to its rightful owner?
 
Dear Jonny,

I need you help. Having recently been trapped in my jeans due to a broken belt I now have a real phobia of jeans.

I was just wondering if you have ever been trapped in your clothes before of if really tight fitting clothing was also an issue for yourself?

Thanks in advance
DtS
 
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