Ask Jonny

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

I am leader of the Winkle Crew, an up-and-coming firm of Southend 'casuals' (you have probably heard of us). Anyhow, this season we have made great leaps: none us pay concessions anymore, most of our voices have broken and we have started shouting things like "Ref, where's your guide dog". Our reputation is growing and we are probably the most scared of all hooligan firms outside the top-flight. Next season two of us will be starting judo and we are going to start sharing a can of Skol (nicked from my Dad's shed) before every home game. You could say things are looking good!

My dilemma is this:
One of our top boys has to go shopping most saturdays with his nan- should I kick him out the firm?

Dear NZamba Legend,

I suspect that your friend is a criminal mastermind, using his nan as cover for vicious 'lifting' sprees of pick n mix from Woolworths. Use his light-fingered talents to obtain some salmon pink Fred Perry or Lacoste shirts, and you too can look as good and become as feared as Millwall fans.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Johnny,

I will shortly be changing roles in my company and my most likely destination is going to be poker analyst or competitor intelligence.

If you had to guess, as clearly agony uncles would never be privvy to this sort of thing, could you tell me what the key goals of Ladbrokes poker are for the next twelve months and the names of a few key accounts who operate on Ladbrokes?

Thanks in advance

Phil in the Prem

Dear Phil,

Gambling by it's very nature can become VERY addictive because it involves greed, a very powerful lust indeed. The vice of greed is not easily broken. Only through the saving power of the Lord Jesus Christ and a renewal of our thinking can we escape such pollutions of the world. Don't be a fool friend, stay as far away as you can from any type of gambling. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills--don't you think He could make you rich if He wanted to? Of course He could. The world is filled with all sorts of wicked people doing evil things to get rich, corrupting the planet with their filth and vermin. From Britney Spears' whorishness to the creeps who invented the evil Girls Gone Wild videos, they are all working for the devil. God will not be mocked! Galatians 6:7 promises punishment to the evil doers, and rewards to the righteous. Madonna, MTV, Walt Disney and all the hordes of Hollyweird will reap the eternal fires of Hell if they do not repent of their wicked sins.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

Will Orient lads ever show? against us?

Dear TrueBlue,

Sad. Very sad.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear TrueBlue,

Sad. Very sad.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

Bit like the fact you feel the need to get in with the southend fans or is it because the Orient fans rid you for being a spanner?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Bit like the fact you feel the need to get in with the southend fans or is it because the Orient fans rid you for being a spanner?

Dear TrueBlue,

When you finally find that your IQ is higher than your knuckles, I will dignify you with a response.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[DTS]

Dear Jonny,

I have a mate from Uxbridge who recently posted a picture of his tea boy and general office gimp taking a fisting from an old man.

I made a somewhat hilarious comment about this young Harry Potter look a like taking a fisting from said old man. This comment got me +2 positive reps from two people in about two mins flat.

So where is the probelm. Sadly the person in the picture an East London scummer by all accounts demmanded the man from Uxbridge remove his pitcure from the net.

This has cost me a number of rep points that I need now having been beaten down into third place.

Why Jonny did the office gimp demand his photo be taken down. Is it due to his own sexual inaddequaceies or is he just worried he will take a spanking from all and sundry the next time our side and his meet.

:thump: :fury:

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear TrueBlue,

When you finally find that your IQ is higher than your knuckles, I will dignify you with a response.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

Ohh but it is and the example is simply thus...

I support Southend United
You support Leyton Orient

...... Who got the better deal?

Now who has the IQ eh?! :guns: :cool:

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny,

I have a mate from Uxbridge who recently posted a picture of his tea boy and general office gimp taking a fisting from an old man.

I made a somewhat hilarious comment about this young Harry Potter look a like taking a fisting from said old man. This comment got me +2 positive reps from two people in about two mins flat.

So where is the probelm. Sadly the person in the picture an East London scummer by all accounts demmanded the man from Uxbridge remove his pitcure from the net.

This has cost me a number of rep points that I need now having been beaten down into third place.

Why Jonny did the office gimp demand his photo be taken down. Is it due to his own sexual inaddequaceies or is he just worried he will take a spanking from all and sundry the next time our side and his meet.

:thump: :fury:

Dear David,

Maybe the gimp in question is just shy? We can't all be extrovert pollsters, some people are just destined to be life's reclusive teaboys. Have some rep for your top-of-the-table challenge (when I can actually give you more, that is).

Love,

Uncle Jonny

ps. Who on earth has got more rep than you?!

 

[sufcintheprem]

Dear Phil,

Gambling by it's very nature can become VERY addictive because it involves greed, a very powerful lust indeed. The vice of greed is not easily broken. Only through the saving power of the Lord Jesus Christ and a renewal of our thinking can we escape such pollutions of the world. Don't be a fool friend, stay as far away as you can from any type of gambling. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills--don't you think He could make you rich if He wanted to? Of course He could. The world is filled with all sorts of wicked people doing evil things to get rich, corrupting the planet with their filth and vermin. From Britney Spears' whorishness to the creeps who invented the evil Girls Gone Wild videos, they are all working for the devil. God will not be mocked! Galatians 6:7 promises punishment to the evil doers, and rewards to the righteous. Madonna, MTV, Walt Disney and all the hordes of Hollyweird will reap the eternal fires of Hell if they do not repent of their wicked sins.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

Uncle Johnny,

It sounds like wise advice but I have currently been introduced to a book that demonstrates with historical and philosophical reasoning that there can't be a God. I think it's pretty subjective but if this is the case, should I go in two-footed on the gambling trail?

All the best

Sufc in the Phil

P.S. On Sunday I won about a day's wages from a $5 stake. Does this mean that God wants me to become a famous gambler so that I can spread the truth about it?

 

[Cricko2]

Dear David,

Maybe the gimp in question is just shy? We can't all be extrovert pollsters, some people are just destined to be life's reclusive teaboys. Have some rep for your top-of-the-table challenge (when I can actually give you more, that is).

Love,

Uncle Jonny

ps. Who on earth has got more rep than you?!

It seems his Girlie is now ontop of him.:eek:

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

It seems his Girlie is now ontop of him.:eek:

HOW RUUUUUUDDE!

 

[DTS]

It seems his Girlie is now ontop of him.:eek:

No that was last weekend mate.:angel:

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Ohh but it is and the example is simply thus...

I support Southend United
You support Leyton Orient

...... Who got the better deal?

Now who has the IQ eh?! :guns: :cool:

Dear TrueBlue,

If what footy club you supported was a measure of IQ, then that utterc**t Rory McGrath would support Torquay. Your inability to accept the presence of a fan of another club on this forum says a lot more about you than anything else. That said, I agree that you are free to choose whichever way to support your club that you like. Just don't expect me to approve of it, or want to have anything to do with it.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

ps. Better deal? Would sir like to follw a Crap League One side, or a crap League One side?

 

[Benji91]

Dear Jonny

Recently one of my female colleagues at work has been inviting me out to girly nights with her girly friends. Obviously they are all very attractive, but im concerned that maybe im sending the wrong signals or i am infact being "groomed" by said group of girlies.

Is "snaking" one of them the best way to send the correct signals or should i camp it up a bit and hope for a girly dvd night in our pyjama's?

 

[DTS]

Dear Jonny,

I work in a small office of just four men and two women. Now the women if I can say this in a nice way are not great.

To give you an idea,our best looking woman is a tubby 48 year old semi-woman with rats hair - Our worst looks like the offspring of a threesome involving Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy.

The worse woman of the two despite being slightly larger that the british standard size so she tells me ( Actually she is about 20 stone) insisits on wearing a low cut top everyday.

I would normally look down the top of any woman who had them on show between the ages of say 16-65 but for some reason I cannot bring myself to look at these gigantic mounds of flab.

As her boss should I ask her to cover up her celebrity sized breasts or allow her to continue to flaught her chubby charlies?

Tks
DtS

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Dear Jonny,

I'm writing this on the behalf of a "friend" of mine. His problem is this:

Dear Uncle Jonny,

A couple of years ago I decided to build a new stand for my football team. We don't have a lot of money, but I manged to clinch a deal with some builders & sold some of the ground off. With that money I built the new stand. It looked great from the road, it had nice facilities inside, but once inside I realised my grave error. We had only built the lower tier!!! I've tried to hide my **** up & have built a balcony to sit about 50 people on! I've compounded my problem building another stand, which due to a typo the builder have only fitted 1300 seats, not the 3000 it should have been!

My problem is, do I come clean & admit my error & be laughed at even more, or should I make up some bullsh!t reason why I've built this ugly stand. I feel desperate at spoiling my teams ground.

What do I do to put it right? Find a new ground or go into hiding?

Yours sincerely,

Bazza

 

[sufcintheprem]

Come On! There's Unanswered Letters Here!

 

[Cricko2]

Come On! There's Unanswered Letters Here!

Very Bad form mate .Must support some inferior team.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Uncle Johnny,

It sounds like wise advice but I have currently been introduced to a book that demonstrates with historical and philosophical reasoning that there can't be a God. I think it's pretty subjective but if this is the case, should I go in two-footed on the gambling trail?

All the best

Sufc in the Phil

P.S. On Sunday I won about a day's wages from a $5 stake. Does this mean that God wants me to become a famous gambler so that I can spread the truth about it?

Dear Phillip,

If you are truly set on following the path of the wicked, and therefore setting yourself up for eternal damnation in hell, the Lord sayeth you might as well do it on Ladbrokes what with red being the colour of the devil and everything ;) Anyway, you get to meet Leilani if you play well enough.


Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny

Recently one of my female colleagues at work has been inviting me out to girly nights with her girly friends. Obviously they are all very attractive, but im concerned that maybe im sending the wrong signals or i am infact being "groomed" by said group of girlies.

Is "snaking" one of them the best way to send the correct signals or should i camp it up a bit and hope for a girly dvd night in our pyjama's?

Dear Ben,

This is a golden opportunity. Unless you are as camp as a Carry On film (and they'll never believe you're straight) you are quite frankly quids in if you play it right. The colleague in question must either: A) See you as an unthreatening, pleasant member of the opposite sex (and possibly gay), B) fancy the **** off you or C) has a mate that fanices the **** off you. As long as you are either A (minus sub-clause Ai)), B or C it's happy days, as A can easily be converted into B or C. With regards to Ai), you do not necessarily have to dispel the myth. They either think you're straight or gay. If they think you're straight and nice you will get laid. If they think you're gay and nice, they will fall for you even quicker, moan that all the good guys are gay, try to 'turn' you and you will get laid. Win-win.

Love,

Uncle Jonny