Ask Jonny

[callan]

Dear Aunty Johnny,
I have through my work been travelling on and off to Rotterdam for the past few months and on one of my visits met a dutch girl with whom a relationship is starting to develop (she being connected vaguely with the project I am on) .
It all started with one or two meals but has steadily become more and more serious.
I am now at the stage where I have met her parents / written her the most beautiful poetry and generally adorned her with undying love and affection.
It appears that mostly my affections and feelings are returned, though to be absolutely honest we are no further than a kiss and an embrace which is fine ,as I am a christian, and have certain codes and values.
Now whilst I have been more than happy we the way things have been going she has today dropped the bombshell that she wants me to go to holland for Christmas and come back to UK with me for new year.
Can you let me know your advice on sex before Harwich?

 

[southendstrett]

Quote[/b] (Firestorm @ Oct. 20 2006,15:31)]Great ,does this mean I get my own screwfix catalogue and swarfega thread !!

Just out of interest you understand, is the swarfega you're referring to the regular green gloopy stuff, or the more exotic variety with little bits in?

 

[Firestorm]

Callan

Again, in Jonnys absence, i have consulted the manual.

Ditch the clog totty

grab some of this

and click here


link

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (Jonny_Stokes @ Oct. 20 2006,14:05)]mammorial privileges

Adjective of the day, that is.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (callan @ Oct. 20 2006,16:31)]Can you let me know your advice on sex before Harwich?

Bit of a *ba-dum-tiss*, but it still made me laugh!

 

[Slipperduke]

Quote[/b] (callan @ Oct. 20 2006,16:31)]Can you let me know your advice on sex before Harwich?

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (callan @ Oct. 20 2006,16:31)]Dear Aunty Johnny,
I have through my work been travelling on and off to Rotterdam for the past few months and on one of my visits met a dutch girl with whom a relationship is starting to develop (she being connected vaguely with the project I am on) .
It all started with one or two meals but has steadily become more and more serious.
I am now at the stage where I have met her parents / written her the most beautiful poetry and generally adorned her with undying love and affection.
It appears that mostly my affections and feelings are returned, though to be absolutely honest we are no further than a kiss and an embrace which is fine ,as I am a christian, and have certain codes and values.
Now whilst I have been more than happy we the way things have been going she has today dropped the bombshell that she wants me to go to holland for Christmas and come back to UK with me for new year.
Can you let me know your advice on sex before Harwich?

Dear Callan,

What do I care? I got laid last night, and Orient won this afternoon.

I hope that this answers your question.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

ps. "Sex before Harwich"

 

[Slipperduke]

Quote[/b] (Jonny_Stokes @ Oct. 21 2006,18:44)]What do I care? I got laid last night

*stands up, throws his hat into the air and applauds*

 

[Flinty]

I have to say this is the funniest thread i have read in the pub i stand up and appluad you you all......

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

The surgery is again open for business. In true GP fashion, it will only be open for an hour-and-a-half before I bugger off to some black tie soiree at The Dorchester.


Uncle Jonny.

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear Jonny Stokes does TBTV have a sister act down at Hearn astro dome i.e True Orient TV?

 

[Benji91]

Dear Aunty Jonny,

Whilst sifting through the Sky channels at home over the weekend i stumbled across some classic 80's tunes and up popped Belinda Carlisle. It gave me the horn.
Now im afraid Ginger women are becoming more attractive and i may slowly turn into glasgowsufc.

Please please help me

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Dear Aunty Jonny,

Whilst sifting through the Sky channels at home over the weekend i stumbled across some classic 80's tunes and up popped Belinda Carlisle. It gave me the horn.
Now im afraid Ginger women are becoming more attractive and i may slowly turn into glasgowsufc.

Please please help me

Oi Oi Oi Oi!!!!
Belinda doesn't do it for me & never has!

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Jonny Stokes does TBTV have a sister act down at Hearn astro dome i.e True Orient TV?

Dear TrueBlue,

I'm afraid that Barry H£arn doesn't much care for the expense of running his own TV station, especially not for Orient. He is, however, committed to a wide-ranging program of televisual excitement, with particular hightlights being 'celebrities' playing snap and coarse fishing competitions. Just make sure we don't let that ghastly Leyton Orient on TV!

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Aunty Jonny,

Whilst sifting through the Sky channels at home over the weekend i stumbled across some classic 80's tunes and up popped Belinda Carlisle. It gave me the horn.
Now im afraid Ginger women are becoming more attractive and i may slowly turn into glasgowsufc.

Please please help me

Dear Benji91,

Many ginger women are gorgeous, but for some inexplicable reason tend to taste like chrome. Be very wary of them, as they are also prone to having personalities and trains of independent thought. If in doubt, stick with a traditional ditzy, unchallenging, bottle-blonde Essex girl. After all, at least the only orange thing about them is their skin.

Love,

Uncle Jonny.

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear Ukey Jonney

whats your call for own goals against Borient this season who is going to score for you! from our team?

Love
True Blue

 

[SUFC_Al]

Dear Ukey Jonney

whats your call for own goals against Borient this season who is going to score for you! from our team?

Love
True Blue

Or better still True Blue

Isn't about time that Orient scored some own goals for us seeing as how we've been so generous to our mockney neighbours the past few years?

Love
Marky_Gower :D

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Many ginger women are gorgeous, but for some inexplicable reason tend to taste like chrome.

You got that right on so many levels :p

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Ukey Jonney

whats your call for own goals against Borient this season who is going to score for you! from our team?

Love
True Blue

Dear TrueBlue,

I'm afraid I don't know the answer to this one, as I'm a (completely unqualified) doctor, not a clairvoyant. However if I was to guess, I think it will be Simon Francis.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[DTS]

Dear Jonny,

I need your help. I sit in the South Upper at Roots Hall and have done for quite a few seasons now. In the past two seasons or so my regular band of fans has been joined by another poster on this board - For the sake of a story I will call him a pdesedum lets say London Thinso (Name changed to preserve anonymity).

London Thinso started talking to me on a regular basis. At first I thought he was a little bit weird but as time got on his constant abuse of Maher and his unrepenting shouting at JCR to cross it really started to warm the cockles of my heart. I now consider us to be good friends

However over the past few weeks I have become worried about him.

At half time myself,Dad of DtS and my mate Dan who I sit next to love a perv on the teenage dancing girls. Even Dan's six year old son is begining to enjoy this window of perv during half time.

London Thinso has been making noises like he too is enjoying the women. However upon close inspection he appears to be making sexual grunting noises at the sight of Franky Banks in those tight white shorts he wears.

It is now time to renew my season ticket and I am unsure if I still wish to sit next to Ldn Thinso as appears to get off at the sight of half man/half monkey Banks in his smalls.

Should I approach London Thinso about my concerns on his feelings for Franky "the missing link" or just look away when he starts getting a Banks-related boner.

Yours hopefully DtS

:finger: