Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who is waving at him as she approaches.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ''Oh my God, are you the stripper from my stag night, that I laid on the pool table with, while my mates whipped my butt with wet celery.

She looks into his eyes and calmly says..... "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A wife, feeling all warm and romantic, sent her husband a text:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!
The husband replied;
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Tangled up in Blue]

A tourist from California stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'


The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro....bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'


The young tourist said, 'I will have the same please.'


The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'


The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[RobM]

An elderly couple go to their doctor to ask what they can do to improve their short term memory.

"Forgetfulness is common at your age. Just get into the habit of writing down the things you need to do and then it won't be so easy to forget."

Later that evening, the couple settles down to watch some TV when the husband gets up from his chair and starts to leave the room.

"Where are you going?", his wife asks.

"I'm just going to get a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen. Would you like some?"

"Oh that would be nice.", the wife replies, "But, remember what the doctor said? Maybe you should write it down so you won't forget."

The husband becomes slightly irritated at her comment and says, "I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream."

"OK.", she says, but adds, "Do you think you could add some chocolate syrup to the top of mine? Maybe you should write it down."

"I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup on top of one."

"OK.", she answers, "Then do you think maybe you could add some nuts, too? I love peanuts on my ice cream. Maybe you should write it down."

The husband starts getting irritated. "I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup and nuts on the top of one of them."

"OK. OK. No need to get upset. I was just trying to help.", she says, then adds, "Oh. do you know what sounds REALLY good? To add some whipped cream and a cherry to the top. Now, that is a lot to remember. You really should write it down."

"I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup, nuts, a cherry, and some whipped cream on top of one of them!", the husband responds angrily and storms off into the kitchen.

Twenty minutes go by and the wife starts becoming anxious, wondering what is taking her husband so long in the kitchen when he suddenly enters the room with a tray of 2 plates of bacon and eggs, beans, mushrooms, fried bread and sausages, freshly brewed coffee, milk and sugar.

"See! I told you you should have written it down!", she shouts, "You forgot the toast!"

 

[RHB]

Christmas one!

The three wise men had just arrived at the stable in Bethlehem and Balthazar was first through the stable doorway. Because he was pretty tall he gave his a head a mighty whack on the lintel across the doorway............."Jesus Christ, that hurt" he said, to which Mary replied "Yes I like that name, we were going to call him Nobby, thank you Balthazar".

 

[mattitouk]

Dennis Law interviewed yesterday:


Q: Would your Utd team beat the present one?

DL: Yeah, 1-0 I think.

Q: 1-0? Why so close?

DL: Well most of us are in our 70's now.

 

[RHB]

I was at the petrol station the other day filling up, when an argument started between the driver of the car in front of me and the one at the pump parallel to her. As they were both women I found it fascinating until they started fighting and then their partners got out of their cars and joined in. Because I wasn't paying too much attention to what I was doing petrol spilled out of my tank and splash the sleeve of my fleece. Because the fight was getting a bit tasty I stepped to the side of the petrol station forecourt and whilst watching I lit a fag. Bad move as the sparks from my lighter ignited my fleece sleeve. One of the women involved in the fight saw my sleeve alight and started bashing it to put it out. I thought she was attacking me so I gave her a little slap.

By this time the police turned up, called by the petrol station staff, and we were all duly arrested and taken down to the nick. Obviously,I'm seriously embarrassed as I'm going to have to explain this to my wife and employers so I asked the duty sergeant what I was going to be charged with, to which he replied with a smile.......................

  Spoiler:  

Possession of a firearm sir.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"It needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I stumbled into bed last night.
She said: ''You're drunk''

I asked her how she knew.

She said: ''You live next door''

 

[davewebbsbrain]

THE HARLEY and VASELINE

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, just rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says
anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks....Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and makes love to her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified.....then Joe sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at Sandra's mom. She's got a great body!!.
Joe grabs the mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and also makes love to her right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, the dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence!
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts..........I'll do the frigin dishes !

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

First the doctor gave me the good news...............''You're going to have a disease named after you.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister as well. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around to my mum, who asked: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry who you like. He's not your father anyway!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I've booked a table for me and the missus on Valentines night. It'll all end in tears. She's useless at snooker.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I was at the game Saturday, and some hooligan threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me....... Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I can't run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[RobM]

Tomorrow is the AGM for the Weak Bladder Society. I can't go. Then again...

I'll just give them a tinkle.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Arrested Energizer Bunny, charged with battery.

 

[johnlattimerssponge]

Son: why is my sister's name Teresa?

Dad: well, your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

Son: That makes sense, thanks Dad!

Dad: You're welcome, Alan.

 

[MK Shrimper]

Oh yeah :smile: