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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

Paddy says to Mick - ''I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - ''So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, - ''I'll take her with me!"
 
Paddy says to Mick - ''I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - ''So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, - ''I'll take her with me!"
Are you a friend of Jane ,:smile:
 
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
 
I got a taxi to take me to court for my bankruptcy trial today.

When we arrived I turned to the driver and said, "I suppose you better come in too".
 
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*****d told you I was speeding as well."
 
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*****d told you I was speeding as well."

Taken from Facebook then
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring on a Sunday morning. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
 
My wife texted me this evening to say she was in casualty. I got home and watched all 50 minutes of it but never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm absolutely starving.
 
The Way Women Think

Husband's Text Message to wife:
Honey, I was hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctor's presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's Texted Response:
Who the hell is Paula?
 
A English bloke walks into a book shop in Bradford and asks,
"Do you have the latest book by UKIP"?

The Pakistani owner looks at him aghast and shouts,
"f*#k off and don't come back".

The English bloke replies, "yeah thats the one".
 
What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes


The phone rings in the Aussie cricketers’ dressing room.

"Can I speak to Michael Clarke please ?"

"He's just gone out to bat"

"That’s OK, I'll hold"…….
 
I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old beauty. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.
 
I have had trouble walking so I went to see the doc'. He referred me to a specialist. When I went to see him for the third time, I didn't see the usual guy. Instead I saw someone else - he had a long beard, long hair, wearing a kaftan, smoking cannabis and had Santana playing in the background. "Don't worry", he said. "I'm the hip replacement man!".
 
An old farmer wrote to his innocent son in prison; "Bobby, this year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I cant dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me ". The son replied . "You idiot dad, don't dig the ground, I have the guns hidden there." Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searching for the guns but nothing was found. Son wrote again: " Now you can plant your potatoes dad, its the best I can do from here. Love Bobby. x
 
A guy walked into a doctor's surgery and said to the GP " Doctor, I need your help, I think I'm changing into a moth". The doctor looked at him and said "You don't need me son, you need a psychiatrist". The man said "Yeah, I was on my way to one just now, but I saw your light on".........................
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still effing celebrating."
 

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