Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[Eastblack]

I cooked a curry last night. It was lovely and the kids really enjoyed too but when I told them I had put ginger in it they stated crying. They must have really loved that cat.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
''Good morning,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...''
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

4 Worms In Church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

 

[davewebbsbrain]

I cracked one out over my ex the other night....I know it was wrong but I still have a spare key and shes a heavy sleeper

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, ''As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.''
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, ''Erm, you still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?''
He asks her ''Shall we?''
She eagerly replies, ''Oh, yes please! But let’s change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down, and you poo on its head.''

 

[Mad Cyril]

How many Network Rail engineers does it take to change a fridge?

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

How many Network Rail engineers does it take to change a fridge?

HAHAHAHA! :hilarious:

 

[Berrichonne shrimper]

How many Network Rail engineers does it take to change a fridge?

None he gets his wife to do it.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Aw! Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The High Street was packed , and as the wife walked through the shopping center, she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember that jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

 

[ozzie]

so a 70s joke,i love it..touch Tommy Cooper

 

[amsemp]

I've decided I'm going to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.



Just to show her how it's ****ing done.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'M NOT DEAD, I'M NOT DEAD. LET ME OUT!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward ******* air through his teeth and mutters......................................

"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

 

[Greebosan]

Women can be so damn sensitive. My wife got all upset the other day just because I used the word "vomit", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

 

[A Century United]

I bought a UKIP Advent Calendar.


Bloody rubbish,


The doors are all locked.

 

[Mad Cyril]

Last night I thought I could hear spring onions singing BeeGees songs in my fridge.

When I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

WANTED: One night stand................................................................................Oops. WANTED: One nightstand.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked me if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? ''What's that?'' I asked. ''It's a mother and daughter threesome,'' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ''No, I haven't.'' We drank a lot more, then she said with a wink, ''Tonight's your lucky night.'' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ''Mum...you still awake?''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Jack was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
''I have something I must confess.''
''There's no need to,'' his wife replied.
''No,'' he insisted, ''I must tell you something, as I want to die in peace.''
''I slept with your two sisters, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!''
''I know you low-down dirty sorry *** ******* ,'' she replied.
''Now just rest and let the poison work.''