Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Signs A Woman Likes You:
1. Eye Contact
2. Twirls Her Hair
3. Laughs At Your Jokes
4. Keys Your Car
5. Kills You

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me.... I gave her a cheeky wink and said, ''Get that trolley over here love, they're doing three cases of Lager for the price of two.''

 

[mattitouk]

A little late, but I got this text message from my brother in Australia a fortnight ago:


I went to the fancy dress shop yesterday for my Dracula outfit, ready for Halloween night.....I spoke to the woman behind the counter, and she pulled out a Colchester United home kit.....

I said "I think you may have misunderstood me my love,.... I said I wanted to look like a count" !!

 

[RobM]

I saw the ex-wife yesterday for the first time in 25 years. She still looked the same as the day we married - a gob full of cake.

 

[1966 and all that]

At the nursing home


A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

[RobM]

I entered a TV quiz show and did well. I had one simple question to answer to win the Grand Prize.
"OK Rob, this is your final question but first, pick a number from 1 to 10, the envelope here that has number on it will dictate your prize!"

"Um...well, most people would choose 'seven' so to be different I'll choose 'four'".

"Envelope four is...A day at the Community Stadium and meet all the Colchester players! Now, the question..."

(Lights dim apart from one spotlight on me, dramatic music...)

"What is the sum of three and five?"

"It seems obvious but I'll take a few seconds , just to make sure I don't give a daft answer".

"You have ten seconds..."

9...8..7..6..5..4..3..2 BZZT!

"And your answer is?"

I took a deep breath and answered..."4,928!"

 

[MK Shrimper]

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I got the wife a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I can't believe what happened to me last night......I phoned up Pizza Hut delivery and asked for a thin n crispy supreme.............Diana Ross turned up.

 

[KevinJH]

During this time of KFC shortages, thought you might like to try this at home:

A Great Chicken Recipe


Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.


When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done :cry:

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A worker at the Nestlé plant was crushed to death by a pallet of chocolate today, he was last heard shouting "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME" but everyone just cheered.

 

[Cricko]

Was taking the dog for a walk the other day when the mrs starts tutting and taking her shoe off " whats up with you? " I said " i've got a stone in my shoe " she snarled.

I said " you've got 20 stone in the other ****er and thats not bothering you..... keep walking "

 

[E for B and Billy Best]

By mistake a fella drank a bottle if Tipex instead of his liquid Viagra....he woke up next day with a massive correction.

 

[mattitouk]

An Irish boy is standing by the side of the road crying.
A man asks him "What's Wrong?"
The boy says "Me Ma Is Dead".
"Oh bejaysus", the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".

*

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed, that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

*

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the old days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!".

 

[Rob Noxious]

You've probably heard this but this one took on a poignancy all its own as a result of it being the last one a mate of mine told another mate before he died. Latter mate told me late mate's joke when late mate was poorly at home fairly recently. He told latter mate that he'd had bad news from the Doctor. The Doctor had told him that he had to stop masturbating. Late mate asked why. Doc said, "Well, I can't examine you until you do."

​

 

[MK Shrimper]

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead," says the woman.
The man stands up, clear his throat, and says "Plethora," and then sits down again.
"Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."

 

[South Bank Hank]

 

[HypoTypo]

Just bought some trainers off a local drug dealer.

Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

 

[RobM]

I'm finished with monogamy. I hate passing "Go" and landing on the income tax square!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Quosimodo was running down the road with 20 kids after him. He said ''F off, I haven't got your football.''