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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

What started as a peaceful protest in Paris turned nasty today. People forced their way into the Louvre and threw a valuable painting into the Seine. Bystanders tried to rescue it but without success. Until Martin Lewis dived in and rescued it. Not surprising - he is the Monet saving expert.
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Shrimper, upon becoming King of the East Saxons, orders his carpenters to make a throne worthy of his importance. After a few weeks the throne is complete and carried into Shrimpers hut. Space is a bit tight so the king gets the men to haul an old table up to the ceiling. For days a steady stream of folk shuffle past to gaze at Shrimper upon his magnificent throne - then tragically the rope snaps, the table drops and Shrimper is an ex Shrimper.................and the moral of the story is, people who live in grass houses shouldnt stow thrones.
 
I don't know if my car has good suspension or I'm a sociopath but when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.
 
My Dad thought I was going to be a comedian. When I was born, he said, ''Is this a joke''?


My therapist said I was too obsessed with 70s music....Well.... At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
 
Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 
What are the first five words a Colchester United player in a three piece tailored suit hears?

"Will the defendant please rise"
 
The sheriff walks into the saloon and says to the bartender " Hey, barman, I'm looking for a cowboy and there's a reward."
The barman says "What's he look like sheriff"?
The lawman replies "He's wearing a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper chaps, and a pair of brown paper boots"
"Gee,.....what's he wanted for, sheriff"? asks the bartender.


"Rustlin'"!
 
I once invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.

I hate those Russian dolls… so full of themselves.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
 
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: ''You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both absolutely fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you on the forms.''

Woman: ''Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl''?

Doctor: ''Denise.''

Woman: ''Well, that's not so bad, and what did he name the boy''?

Doctor: ''Denephew.''
 

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