Dear Macca - Agony Uncle Alan McCormack

[Yorkshire Blue]

Dear Agony Alan

Over the summer I moved down to Southend from up North and settled well within a couple of weeks. If all goes well, in a month's time, I'm due to go back up north, near where I worked and fingers crossed that could lead to another promotion at work.

However my missus is claiming to be homesick and is pining for the South. I know (and more to the point, she does) that wages are higher in London, but how do I convince her that there is life outside of the capital?

Please help,
Nicky

ps I think she is put off by what seems to be an active swinging scene here in Southend, as every other bloke is offering me their wife.

 

[DTS]

Scriv has confirmed my little problem of the Mrs stealing my food is going to be in the paper......Hope Macca can sort my issues for me.....

 

[Napster]

Dear Alan

Only a few seasons ago, I was feted as a hero, after scoring a goal at the Millennium Stadium to secure promotion to League One. Now, I'm struggling to justify my footballing existence playing for Bognor Regis. I'm far too happy-go-lucky to end it all, but I can't keep saying "the only way is Jupp" to the missus, because it really will end in my demise.

What's the way forward? Retrain, or keep with the galloping runs forward onto my career further down the non-league pyramid?

Drunken

 

[Flinty]

Dear Macca,

A few seasons ago i was playing football for what i thought was a decent northern team. However i realised that i was not suited to playing football up north and wanted to join the prosperous south. I arrived in essex to play for a team that were doing rather well, this was on a sort of try before you buy deal. Whilst there, i noticed that their local neighbours were also doing rather well so i had a run out for them as well.

Finally i decided that the 1st essex team were better as they won the league and joined them properly. I had fun with my new mates, as when they gave me the ball i was allowed to play with it for long periods without giving it back to them. However things turned sour and my useless mates got relegated. I wasn't happy, i even told the local paper that my mates were useless and that we needed some better mates.

Having seen the errors of my ways i decided this season to go back up North where there was some good mates who played in a higher league than my essex friends, however this now looks like its turning sour and my new mates are also rubbish.

I need new mates for next season and wondered if you could advise from your experience, which of the promoted teams from League 1 you recommend i join next season.

regards


Jamal

 

[Flinty]

Dear Macca

Any chance of getting me on that Celebrity Wife Swap programme

love

Richie

 

[Suffolk Blue]

Dear Uncle Alan,

I promised some friends that I wouldn't shave until they lost a football match. I'm worrying now that its going to be very difficult to eat my dinner and make se><y chit-chat with ladies if things carry on as they have been for much longer.

Franco

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Dear Macca .

About Three Years ago at college ,I met the most georgeous girl that also turned out to be the most wonderful person that I had ever met .We were inseparable as we got on so well .She would even come and watch me play Rugby in all sorts of weather .I had fallen hopelessly in love .
Just before I had to go away on a Brick laying course ,I decided to let her know how I felt ,unfortunately she said she did not fancy me in any way romantically ,and this has now ruined our perfect friendship as she will not even answer my calls .




How can I get her back in my life ? Macca .




Please ,please help me ,as I actually like the way that you tell the Ref's off ,and try to help them to do a better job .




Love
Esmarelda

 

[Einstein]

Dar Macca,

I am fom Hungary. I come here wit ambiton to play in premership. The Manger told me that I play football for good team and wil achevie my dream. He said I wait sex month to learn inglish and I be ready. It now tin month and he still not play me. I defender, and score ever wek four 2nd team, but not get chance. Why me? I was told of beuetiful beach nearby wit goldan sand, but only stones and sexteen year old carrying knives. It like being back in Hungary and I not feel safe. Being here witout football make me feel like prisonar in ingland.

I am been told that is person called weggy on intrnet who keep telling my manger that I rubbish. Maybe this why he give me no chance? Why should me do? Maybe should sell I to another team where fans apperaciate me much?

Yours in depseration,
Soltan Lipstick

 

[sufcintheprem]

Dear Macca,

It's been a long season and everyone at our club has worked hard driving the team on to what we have achieved. As captain, I couldn't be more proud of our long run of results and it culminated in a recent trophy win.

My dilemma, Alan, is that I have pawned the trophy in order to by a long overdue round of drinks to try and lose my financially prudent nickname. Have I overstepped the boundary of scrounging acceptability? Do you have any other useful money saving advice?

Thanks,

D Dyer

 

[Flinty]

Dear Macca,

Some Irish bloke at work keeps picking on me, is it cause I is ginger?

regards


Nick

 

[JoshC]

Dear Macca

I got headbutted by a work mate on saturday, what should I do?

 

[OldBlueLady]

Dear Uncle Alan

I am the captain of my local football team and am fed up with the two fiery fellas that play in the middle of the midfield.

Usually they vent their aggression on opposition players but this weekend I had to act like a bouncer and step in between them to stop them having full blown fisticuffs with each other. Was this the right thing to do or should I have let them get on with it and get it out of their system? I don't want to put a foot wrong because I have a hard act to follow.

Thanks for your advice

Bazza

 

[CC51DAS]

this thread should be made a sticky imho - v. funny !

 

[seany t]

Dear Macca

I need your English wiseness. I am great... no... majestic. I dazzle the ladies with my feet and am liked by all people. I have achieved the most in football of all persons, and at the age of 23 know there is nothing left to do, now that I win Champions League and Premier league title in same week by myself. Alas I am not the person who decides but I hope to complete my dream.

My boss? He good to me. He taught me after that game against Southampton that even the little teams can beat you sometimes and that football isn't always about luxury, but I went and bought a new diamond the next day whereas that gypsy boy probably just got some potatoes. Anyway, I outgrow Alec now and his rumoured hairdryer which I have yet to see him use in public. And I outgrow that girl from Hollyoaks with the big norks who Patrice wanted to bone. Now I bone proper good looking piece.

What does the man who has everything do next? He goes to Spain - close ally of Portugal over the years - and improves the greatest team ever by earning £200,000 a week all by himself.

Wayne said the sun will "play havoc with my face pizza", whatever that means, but he knows donkey dick. I got him sent off in that Cup of World teams the other year, and still people like me, so that makes me better.

My friend Phil says I should go too, as contracts mean nothing today and that I should get far away from Chelsea as is possible to do so as it's rough there, and he wouldn't lie as he is proper boss.

Actually Mr Macca... I don't need your help. For I am Ronaldo! King of football! Prince amongst all women! It is my opinion. That is why I don't mind if people get upset. It is my decision. It is what I want. Hail me, for I am great!

 

[ElstreeBlue]

No mates left

Dear Uncle Alan

I've just heard I have to go to hospital. But I have no mates left where I work. Can you please arrange for someone to come and visit me?

 

[OldBlueLady]

Dear Uncle Alan

I've just heard I have to go to hospital. But I have no mates left where I work. Can you please arrange for someone to come and visit me?

Forgotten Richie Foran?

 

[I 8 COLU]

Dear Macca,

Every time I step onto a football pitch, I seem to be possessed by an uncontrollable rage which results in me flying into challenges, squaring up to opposition players, and as a result, picking up loads of yellow cards.

What do you suggest I do about this, in order to avoid lots of unnecessary suspensions when my team-mates may need me the most?

Yours,

Deidre

This is an easy one to answer, I think Macca will tell you to stop being half hearted, and turn them silly yellow’s into straight reds and get the job done properly.

 

[Winkle]

Dearest Allan
My slighty rotund labrador is soooooooooooooo. gay. He likes to play with balls but not the football type. Can you help.

P.s. He takes it up the gary glitter as well but that another story.

Concerned shrimper!

 

[Pubey]

Dear Macca,

Who should I put on the bench alongside you and the Kit-man on Saturday?

Love,

The Gaffa

 

[Yer Blues]

macca,

you used to be pretty good at football. now you are not. why?

Bobby x