Dear Macca - Agony Uncle Alan McCormack

[EastStandBlue]

Dear Mac,

Why can't everybody else see just how f*cking good I am at Football?

Yours
Nicky Nic

 

[Cricko]

Dear Macca
I am a barman in the Spread Eagle. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for supporting Colu in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of molesting animals. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

Keneff Mc'naughty






*Most stolen *;)

 

[Kenny]

Dear Macca,

I used to be really popular at work and have been there about 10 years now. But, one day I got a bit petulant I shoved my new Belgian colleague about and now I've been sent down to work Kent and it's really depressing down here.

Do you think I should send him a big bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates to try and smooth things over?

Regards,

Mr. MonkeyHead

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Dearest Alan,

I have been playing football for some time now, and I work really really really hard, but as a striker some feel me goal ratio is not enough to warrent me a first team spot. My manager has recently brought more strikers in, and I cant even see the bench anymore. I did manage to miss a sitter in the big cup final the other week however, thus letting the management team know that even though I have been frozen out recently, I have lost none of my prowess infront of goal.

My question Alan, regards my face being very similar to a celebrity, should I pursue my acting career now? Stay with what I know in football? Or sod it, I am that good, I should do both at the same time?

Yours,

Harry

 

[Benji91]

Dear Macca,

I used to play on a regular basis in goal, week in and week out doing a good job and not really letting anyone down. Then one day out of the blue came a high pitched voice - at first i was imagining things, but im told its a medical disorder called "The Wiggles".
All of a sudden i was rubbish, and the slightly dwarfish player i replaced had suddenly become the worlds greatest keeper. At first i thought nothing of it but the constant calls of being dodgy on crosses and being unable to communicate with the defence affected me.
I went to my manager for some reassurance, but unfortunately he too has been a victim of "The Wiggles", so now im turning to you to ask.... what did i do wrong?

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Dear Macca

I'm an all action midfielder for my local side, but I've heard people whispering about how I keep on losing my head. Are they referring to my diabolical disciplinary record or my receding hair-line?

Cheers
Al, Southend

ps Maybe its psychological because I've been caught talking to myself recently as well.

 

[sufcintheprem]

Dear Macca,

I used to be an ordinary chap happily going about my way. I was in to playing football, pro evo and posing as my brother just like any good old teenager.

However, in recent years, I've started to suspect I'm actually a divine being. Jesus certainly saved a lot of people but I managed to save a guy who got sent off, a manager who left a bench without a keeper and about 5300 people sitting curiously congregated in 2005. Following this, I'm quite sure a church was set up in my honour with a slightly disconcerting devotion. In fact, I was flown to Monserrat to spread the word through the medium of football (naturally scoring).

My problem is, I'm a very articulate man and I want to spread the word of me but the only media exposure I've had was following a mission to Canvey Island a few years back. Regrettably, I didn't really say anything more than "yeah" and I don't think I really displayed my charisma.

Do you know how other utopian beings cope and do you have any tips on handling the media?

Big thanks,

Wes Campbell

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Dear Macca

I've been at my current employers since 2003, but I think they've forgotten that I exist. Whilst its nice picking up a big fat pay packet every month for doing very little, I'm starting to feel a little guilty and more saliently my contract is up in a couple of months. I've tried changing my first name to something exotically memorable but that doesn't appear to have worked.

Any tips?

Thanks
C. Wilson, (c/o Lee Morgan)

 

[South Bank Hank]

Dear Macca,

I like small men, everything about them, and there's one boy I'm especially keen on. He often has mixed fortunes at work and certainly has his good and bad days. But I take every opportunity to talk about him, and sing his praises regularly on the interweb.

Sometimes people are so cruel though. They make fun of his size and say all sorts of strange things which don't make sense to me. Sometimes I don't understand them. I'd be happy to see him come out a bit more. And he can dominate my box, get cross all he likes, and go down to stop my shots any day of the week.

Waynetta Iggy
(c/o the flat opposite Darryl's)

ps: If you can offer me some advice for a friend of mine who's struggling to pass water at the moment, I'd also be grateful.

 

[DTS]

Dear Macca,

I am a six plus male origially from the North who settled in South Essex some years ago. I have recently retired from my job and was looking forward to a happy retirement.

However my body has started going through changes and I find myself developing monkey like tendancies. I am starting to look like an extra from Planet of the Apes.

The other day I was out playing sports and someone shouted at me "Pass the ball here Franky you gibbon".

This really hurt me and I found it hard to take. I did have a friend who also had monkey like tendancies but he recently left to move to Kent and I feel so alone.

Please help me.

FB

 

[Kris]

Dear Macca,

Like I say, four years ago I joined a company which, at the time, was going nowhere. Despite working my socks off and doing ever so well since joining - my achievements include two promotions, outsmarting a world famous client and increasing the company's profile two-fold - some of my customers continually take me for granted and think they know more about running the company than me.

Like I say, Macca, it makes my blood boil at times. Can you help?

Kind regards,

Steve, Wickford

 

[callan]

Dear Macca,
One thing that deeply troubles me as I approach middle age is Baldness, as a slap head yourself can you give me any advice on dealing with this disability.
Thanks,
Kojak.
Prittlewell Village

 

[ElstreeBlue]

Dear Macca

Do you know if there's life on Mars?

I keep sending space probes (which look a bit like footballs) from Southend at the same time as a few of my mates are having a kick-around.

One of my mates - a guy called Garry - has gone a bit further South to find out but I don't think he's had much luck either.

I came a couple of hundred miles south two years ago, but it hasn't worked. Do you think I need to go a few hundred miles further south to Southern Europe to find out - or do they not like launching space probes from football pitches over there?

Thanks
Politically Correcte.

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Bonjour Alain

Je m'appelle Franck. Je suis 18 ans. J'aime jouer au football mais je ne joue pas pour mon equipe parce que il y a un vieux homme - a la Cricko - (je pense qu'il est vieux parce qu'il n'est pas cheveux). Je chercherai pour an jeu dans l' equipe. La fois passee j'ai eu un combat avec un monkey. Ou est Wembley?

Merci beaucoup
Franck

 

[McNasty]

Bonjour Alain

Je m'appelle Franck. Je suis 18 ans. J'aime jouer au football mais je ne joue pas pour mon equipe parce que il y a un vieux homme - a la Cricko - (je pense qu'il est vieux parce qu'il n'est pas cheveux). Je chercherai pour an jeu dans l' equipe. La fois passee j'ai eu un combat avec un monkey. Ou est Wembley?

Merci beaucoup
Franck

Is this written in Flem ?

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Is this written in Flem ?

No, but when I try and pronounce it.......

 

[Hooly]

Dear Macca

I frequently feel the urge to commit Homercide on the guy who sits 2 seats to the right of me at Roots Hall.

Do you think it would affect the team if, after keeping his screams of torture muffled during the 1st 45 minutes, his disembowelled remains were to end up on the pitch in a vast lake of blood so long as they weren't in either penalty area or interferred with the half time challenge?

Thanks
Dr Hooligan Lecter

PS every game I go to the burger bars for liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti f f f f f f..........but they've always sold out before kick off. Why is this?

 

[Tin Bath]

Dear Macca,

I have terrible trouble in making any decision, I can not decide which football team in Essex I support and this has spread when it comes to wearing clothes, I have found myself wearing odd socks as I cant decide which smelly pair I like to wear so I wear one of each of the the 2 pairs I own. Others have tried to help but quite frankly its none of their business but I will listen to you

Kevin from Dagenham

 

[Dave Smiths Love Child]

Despite my lack of scoring in front of goal, I was told due to my Royal looks, I would easily score at night with a Ms P Bowles alas it was a night the painters paid her a visit, can you help me out of this slump ?

 

[seany t]

Dear Mr. McCormack,

I fear I may be in over my head. Several months ago, I got a little bit tipsy at a prearranged champagne reception at my local hair stylists, and woke up to find that I'd put myself in the running for London Mayor. More disturbingly, despite having no idea what the hell I'm generally doing on a hour-to-hour basis, it would appear that the whole of Britain has been so busy watching that Apprentice televisual event that they seem to be favouring me in this absurd race?

I'm not quite sure how a couple of bloody guest appearances on "Have I got news for you" where I didn't even write my own jokes has let the situation spiral this far out of control, but I am seriously worried the fools *may* actually elect me.

Please help a foolish, foppish man out of this terribly deep hole he's dug himself - preferably in the next 6 days or so. The only thing that could have made this worse was if I'd woken up to find I was actually standing for a similar post in Liverpool or Portsmouth...

Regards,

Boris