Ask Jonny

[Jonny_Stokes]

On a whim, I have decided to set myself up as this board's Agony Uncle, as there does seem to be a fair bit of angst on here at the moment. Hopefully in the future I will have guest contributions from other such beacons of virtue as MtS, DtS and Slipperduke. I'm off for a two-hour pub and pool lunch/skive, and I will answer all your problems when I get back

Uncle Jonny x

 

[Hong Kong Blue]

I couldn't think of anyone more versed in agony than our resident Orient fan.

Q1 how many seasons did Andy Harris play for you?

 

[Slipperduke]

Dear Aunty Jonny,

On Sunday I have to go out to see friends for a Sunday Dinner. It will be very nice, roast beef and red wine, but I'm unsure.

What I'd really like to do is to lay on the settee on my own with the football on in the background and my laptop perched perilously on my chest giving me a FM2007/Sky Sports hybrid kind of afternoon. Naturally there will be tea and hobnobs involved as well.

What should I do? Should I be social and have a pleasant civilised afternoon with Mrs Slipperduke and friends? Should I shut out the outside world, plug into a world of football and recharge for the Monday? Or should I just toss a coin?

Oh Aunty Jonny, what ever shall I do?

 

[chadded]

I'm not Johhny_Stokes, thank god, but I reckon you should invite the friends round to yours instead. The Mrs can cook, you get a good dinner, and, if there is male company involed, you can both indulge in sky sports/ champ man etc, and probably get ****ed as well.

 

[Firestorm]

Dear Mr Slipperduke.

Agony uncle Johnny is *ahem* out of the office at the moment, however having sifted through his copy of Clare Rayner's book of stock answers to fob the punters off Vol IV, I suggest the following.

Do neither , instead lock yourself in your room with a DVD of The sound of Music, a packet of museli and a tub of heavy duty swarfega and spend the afternoon knocking one out over this months screwfix catalogue

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (Hong Kong Blue @ Oct. 20 2006,12:23)]I couldn't think of anyone more versed in agony than our resident Orient fan.

Q1 how many seasons did Andy Harris play for you?

Dear HKB,

Andrew "Andy" Harris played for four seasons at Leyton Orient. Recently named as Orient's worst right-back of the last 10 years in a fanzine article (author: J. Stokes), Andrew was much more successful when deployed as a midfield clogger. He made 173 appearances for the Os, scoring two goals, both of which were celebrated in absolutely manic fashion.

I hope that this answers your question.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Hong Kong Blue]

Is the aforesaid article on the world wide web?

Why were you celebrating own goals? At least I assume they were own goals. After his trademark hoof down the right wing, Andy Harris is most remembered for conceding a sh!t load of OGs and penalties.


Slipperduke, as a respected football journalist (try and keep a straightface whilst using that line) explain how you would love nothing more than to join your better half at her boring friends, but that you really have to watch the Liverpool - Man Utd game. As no-one would wish to watch such an inevitably dull game out of choice your excuse will sound highly plausible. Once Mrs S slips out of the house, switch on Champ Man and start "writing your article" on your laptop.

Any dissent, remind her that she is clearly only going out with you because she is after your wallet and that you need to work to fill up that wallet.

For extra brownie points, ring her up at half-time and complain that it is a particularly boring game and that you hope the ref doesn't play too much injury time second half because there is only so long you can physically cope with seeing Gary Neville's face for.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Oct. 20 2006,12:48)]Dear Aunty Jonny,

On Sunday I have to go out to see friends for a Sunday Dinner. It will be very nice, roast beef and red wine, but I'm unsure.

What I'd really like to do is to lay on the settee on my own with the football on in the background and my laptop perched perilously on my chest giving me a FM2007/Sky Sports hybrid kind of afternoon. Naturally there will be tea and hobnobs involved as well.

What should I do? Should I be social and have a pleasant civilised afternoon with Mrs Slipperduke and friends? Should I shut out the outside world, plug into a world of football and recharge for the Monday? Or should I just toss a coin?

Oh Aunty Jonny, what ever shall I do?

Dear Slipperduke,

Firstly, I am only Aunty Jonny at the weekends and sometimes on Wednesday evenings if Mr. Parkinson particularly needs a good spanking.

I think that your dilemma rests on the fact that you will have to rationalise with Mrs Slipperduke in order to get your own way. Now as we know, ladies tend not understand the perfectly reasonable conclusion that FM and football is infinitely preferable to wittering about children and the weather at a pre-arranged social occasion. Sadly this mental condition is incurable, and should really be indulged at every necessary venture. This is due to the BAB (breast and behaviour) coefficient.

The BAB coefficient is the very delicate balance between how badly behaved a man can be, and how willing a lady is to keep letting you touch her breasts. In this instance it is up to you to analyse exactly how much you can whinge prior to, delay arrival to and act sullenly at the dinner party before Mrs Slipperduke removes mammorial privileges.

If you get the balance right you should be able to catch the second half of the 4pm kick off without having to sleep on the sofa that you are so longing to spend the afternoon on.

I hope this has answered your question.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (Hong Kong Blue @ Oct. 20 2006,14:00)]Is the aforesaid article on the world wide web?

Why were you celebrating own goals?

Dear HKB,

Aforementioned article is not on the world wide web. However, here is the extract relating to Andrew Harris:

"2. Andy Harris – First and foremost, let me say how gutted I am to being including the Wildman in this line-up. The guy forms part of my computer password at work (no logging in as me, Sean Cooke, y’hear?) and almost single-handedly kept us out of the conference during the post-Wembley season with his energetic displays in the centre of midfield (Lord knows no-one else did any running that season). But he played as a right back during his first season and I really don’t have the vocabulary to describe how poor a he was – just remember past his cult (spelling mistake? – ed.) hero status of the following years, and instead recollect how much you hated him. Yeah, I can feel the bile rising too. Don’t feel ashamed, he really was that bad."

If you would like a paper copy of the full article (along with many other exciting and in-no-way-Orient-related-honest articles) then I will be able to furnish you with one*.

Both of Andy Harris' goals for Leyton Orient were scored at the right end, including a 8-yard thunderbolt away at Hartlepool in a fantastic 3-1 defeat.

I hope this has answered your questions.

Love,

Uncle Jonny.

*under no circumstances am I going to bother sending it to Hong Kong. Unless you ask very nicely.

 

[Slipperduke]

What a splendid array of answers.

Actually, I should say that Mrs Slipperduke is not part of the problem here, it's just a pre-arranged engagement wrestling for supremacy against a vague idea of football-heavy solitude.

Oddly, in the midst of all of this, I received an email saying that Sunday Dinner was now cancelled due to work commitments, so it's all irrelevant anyway.

I think I'll sit in-between and take Chadded's advice. I'll take Mrs Slipperduke, Dinner and Football and leave FM2007, tea and biscuits.

Mrs Slipperduke hasn't yet come round to the idea of letting me play computer games for six hours.


HKB, I think you're absolutely right. Man Utd - Liverpool has got tiresome, scrappy 1-1 written all over it huge neon letters. I'd love to get away with 'respected football journalist', but I think we all know that, 'two-bit chancer' is much more accurate

Firestorm, you're a terrifying man and you shouldn't be allowed out in public. That said, a...erm...friend of mine wanted to know where I...erm...I mean he... could get this screwfix catalogue?

Aunty Jonny, and you have to be an Aunty, I will now be using the phrase Mammorial Priviledges with gay abandon. I hope you don't mind.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Slipperduke,

I have to say that the phrase "mammorial privileges" was a real flash of inspiration on my part, and I would like you to add: "copyright: Aunty Jonny Stokes" after any usages either verbal or written.

I hope that this has answered your question.

Love,

Aunty (only for you and Mr Parkinson) Jonny

 

[TrueBlue]

Dear Mr Stokes

Championship Manager 2 97/98 Season....

Leyton Orient IMO were the best side to be in 3rd Div what I want to know is..... do you rememebr Bjorn Hidenstrom and if you do was he any good! was superb for me!

 

[DTS]

Dear Jonny.

I have a secret obbsession which is that I cannot stop posting stupid polls and topics on my favourite teams football site.

This may not sound to bad but but when I tell you they all involve some form of sexual banter you may see my problem.

Can you please help me.

Many Thanks

Dave the Shrimper
East London Hater.

 

[MrB]

Dear Jonny,

I have a friend, no, acquaintance, no. Start again, there's this guy I've heard of that gets his kicks from visiting forums of football teams who have a vague rivalry with his own team, let's call him J(S)-LO for the sake of privacy. He seems to bask in the endless abuse of the witty and intelligent members of the board. Is he sad and delusional? Does he secretly support the team who's site he visits? Is his life worth living?

MrB

 

[DTS]

Quote[/b] (MrB @ Oct. 20 2006,15:05)]Dear Jonny,

I have a friend, no, acquaintance, no. Start again, there's this guy I've heard of that gets his kicks from visiting forums of football teams who have a vague rivalry with his own team, let's call him J(S)-LO for the sake of privacy. He seems to bask in the endless abuse of the witty and intelligent members of the board. Is he sad and delusional?  Does he secretly support the team who's site he visits? Is his life worth living?

MrB

You have outdone yourself Mr B.

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (TrueBlue @ Oct. 20 2006,14:37)]Dear Mr Stokes

Championship Manager 2 97/98 Season....

Leyton Orient IMO were the best side to be in 3rd Div what I want to know is..... do you rememebr Bjorn Hidenstrom and if you do was he any good! was superb for me!

Dear TrueBlue,

Bjorn Heidenstrom played only four games whilst on trial with Leyton Orient. It is generally agreed that he was complete pony in real life, but something of a legend on CM97.

Incidentally, Leyton Orient are also one of the best sides on CM94, despite being in the bottom division. Glenn Cockerill, Danny Carter and Fat Ian Hendon were among the best on the game.

I hope that this answers your question

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 20 2006,14:46)]Dear Jonny.

I have a secret obbsession which is that I cannot stop posting stupid polls and topics on my favourite teams football site.

This may not sound to bad but but when I tell you they all involve some form of sexual banter you may see my problem.

Can you please help me.

Many Thanks

Dave the Shrimper
East London Hater.

Dear David,

We all have our vices. I myself am known to occasionally get my kicks from visiting forums of football teams who have a vague rivalry with my own team, let's call them S(U)-FC for the sake of privacy. I seem to bask in the endless abuse of the witty and intelligent members of the board. Am I sad and delusional? Do I secretly support the team who's site I visits? Is my life worth living? It certainly won't be if davecusacksnose ever gets his chubby little hands on me.

What we must all realise is that we each have our little eccentricities and hobbies. One that involves sexual banter between like-minded males cannot be constued as dangerous or abnormal, especially when said banter is based around Fearne Cotton or the Ginger One out of Girls Aloud and takes place in a pub.

I hope that this answers your question,

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Firestorm]

Quote[/b] (Jonny_Stokes @ Oct. 20 2006,15:23)][What we must all realise is that we each have our little eccentricities and hobbies. One that involves sexual banter between like-minded males cannot be constued as dangerous or abnormal,



Love,

Uncle Jonny

Great ,does this mean I get my own screwfix catalogue and swarfega thread !!

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Quote[/b] (MrB @ Oct. 20 2006,15:05)]Dear Jonny,

I have a friend, no, acquaintance, no. Start again, there's this guy I've heard of that gets his kicks from visiting forums of football teams who have a vague rivalry with his own team, let's call him J(S)-LO for the sake of privacy. He seems to bask in the endless abuse of the witty and intelligent members of the board. Is he sad and delusional?  Does he secretly support the team who's site he visits? Is his life worth living?

MrB

Dear MrB,

I am no medically qualified doctor, but your friend/acquaintance/guy seems to be exhibiting some classic signs of paranoid schizophrenia. I would suggest that you get in touch with the relevant local authorities before approaching him, because he may be dangerously mentally unstable.

I hope that this answers your question.

Love,

Uncle Jonny

 

[Jonny_Stokes]

Dear Everyone,

I am off to try and complete my assignment (set out here). Please leave any questions you have for me, and I will get back to you as soon as I have stopped crying after the Cheltenham game.

Love,

Uncle Jonny