What is hacking you off today?

[GBJ]

This:

Despicable.

I fully believe that people like this - who would show aggression and violent tendencies towards a defenceless being - instinctively have that in them & it can’t be rehabilitated or eradicated.

Put simply, I’d happily see her receive the same treatment.

White knights need not reply, ta.

 

[OldBlueLady]

What’s he done? Let the good folk of SZ decide his fate

They took out a new 5 year fixed term on their mortgage in January, have been talking about long term plans, weddings, babies etc. Recently he has said that things have "changed", he wants to be like his mate and go out BMX riding (he is one of the top ones in the country) all over the country and going on holiday with his mates. She's never stopped him doing anything - she's joined in with some of it, drifting, kayaking - as long as it doesn't affect them being able to have a holiday. They agreed to make a bit more effort.

Sunday he decided he hasn't been making any effort and that was it. She's been sobbing her heart out here, pining and making herself ill, sleeping on the sofa because we have now downsized. He meanwhile has been out BMXing last night and drinking with his mates tonight.

They are supposed to be meeting up over the weekend to decide what's going on. I know what's going on, he's 29 and bloody needs to grow up! Penalty on the mortgage is going to be £12k if they decide to sell, she doesn't earn enough to take it on her own, and certainly doesn't want to be on her own at the moment in the house anyway. Her first home, she'd made it so beautiful and they'd worked really hard on it, I just don't understand...

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

They took out a new 5 year fixed term on their mortgage in January, have been talking about long term plans, weddings, babies etc. Recently he has said that things have "changed", he wants to be like his mate and go out BMX riding (he is one of the top ones in the country) all over the country and going on holiday with his mates. She's never stopped him doing anything - she's joined in with some of it, drifting, kayaking - as long as it doesn't affect them being able to have a holiday. They agreed to make a bit more effort.

Sunday he decided he hasn't been making any effort and that was it. She's been sobbing her heart out here, pining and making herself ill, sleeping on the sofa because we have now downsized. He meanwhile has been out BMXing last night and drinking with his mates tonight.

They are supposed to be meeting up over the weekend to decide what's going on. I know what's going on, he's 29 and bloody needs to grow up! Penalty on the mortgage is going to be £12k if they decide to sell, she doesn't earn enough to take it on her own, and certainly doesn't want to be on her own at the moment in the house anyway. Her first home, she'd made it so beautiful and they'd worked really hard on it, I just don't understand...

That's really sad to read OBL. Short term unhappiness & financial problems ( we've all been there? ), long term for the good?.
If there's a consolation, it's happening before they got married ( what cost would that have been? ), & before they had a Baby?.

 

[GBJ]

They took out a new 5 year fixed term on their mortgage in January, have been talking about long term plans, weddings, babies etc. Recently he has said that things have "changed", he wants to be like his mate and go out BMX riding (he is one of the top ones in the country) all over the country and going on holiday with his mates. She's never stopped him doing anything - she's joined in with some of it, drifting, kayaking - as long as it doesn't affect them being able to have a holiday. They agreed to make a bit more effort.

Sunday he decided he hasn't been making any effort and that was it. She's been sobbing her heart out here, pining and making herself ill, sleeping on the sofa because we have now downsized. He meanwhile has been out BMXing last night and drinking with his mates tonight.

They are supposed to be meeting up over the weekend to decide what's going on. I know what's going on, he's 29 and bloody needs to grow up! Penalty on the mortgage is going to be £12k if they decide to sell, she doesn't earn enough to take it on her own, and certainly doesn't want to be on her own at the moment in the house anyway. Her first home, she'd made it so beautiful and they'd worked really hard on it, I just don't understand...

I think your daughter has dodged a bullet. I’ll echo what BBBL said, it’s better to happen now, than further down the line when things could have been a lot more complicated.

There’s obviously something going on for him to suddenly change his mind and retreat from a commitment of that magnitude. I mean, you don’t skip out on a relationship/mortgage just because you really want to ride your bicycle. Unfortunately, what that something is, you or your daughter may never find out.

And maybe you don’t need to. Maybe all you need to know, is that for this to play out as it has, it’s cleary not meant to be, between them.

As hard as it may be for her right now, tell her to imagine what it would have been like in 10 years time, when she’s trying to get the kids ready for school, whilst this middle-aged man is doing wheelies around the living room & putting tyre marks all over the furniture.

Also, regarding the house, is there no way she could stump up the money to keep it for now (Bank of OBL) and then put it up for rent? Would make more sense that incurring a hefty penalty, plus it’ll always be an asset.

 

[OldBlueLady]

That's really sad to read OBL. Short term unhappiness & financial problems ( we've all been there? ), long term for the good?.
If there's a consolation, it's happening before they got married ( what cost would that have been? ), & before they had a Baby?.

Also, regarding the house, is there no way she could stump up the money to keep it for now (Bank of OBL) and then put it up for rent? Would make more sense that incurring a hefty penalty, plus it’ll always be an asset.

Thanks guys, you're right, of course - it's just heart breaking as a mum (possibly as a dad, I don't know, hers just patted her knee and said "blokes change their minds"!) - to see your children having their hearts broken and being at rock bottom.

We'll help as much as we can, of course we will, but we have just downsized to pay off the debts accumulated arising from my divorce and all the crap the ex left me to sort out. We don't have the kind of money to be able to help her to the extent she needs.

We are definitely looking at her potentially renting it out, we reckon it should rent out for about £1,200 pcm which more than covers the mortgage payments, but still ideally would like to get him off the mortgage rather than having her tied to him for a few more years. She can't afford it on her own - what 25 year old could?

 

[Stan33]

Thanks guys, you're right, of course - it's just heart breaking as a mum (possibly as a dad, I don't know, hers just patted her knee and said "blokes change their minds"!) - to see your children having their hearts broken and being at rock bottom.

We'll help as much as we can, of course we will, but we have just downsized to pay off the debts accumulated arising from my divorce and all the crap the ex left me to sort out. We don't have the kind of money to be able to help her to the extent she needs.

We are definitely looking at her potentially renting it out, we reckon it should rent out for about £1,200 pcm which more than covers the mortgage payments, but still ideally would like to get him off the mortgage rather than having her tied to him for a few more years. She can't afford it on her own - what 25 year old could?

Don't forget if he comes off the mortgage he then has no responsability for the mortgage ,if she doesn't earn enough to get the present loan the bank/building society will not release him from the loan

 

[RobM]

What a horrid situation for the girl. To quote the song "breaking up is hard to do" at the best of times. My opinion from what I've read -he only has one priority - himself. As mentioned, she has "dodged a bullet". It's tough for sure but maybe best in the long term. A relationship should be 50/50 thing - this one sounds like it isn't.

 

[OldBlueLady]

Don't forget if he comes off the mortgage he then has no responsability for the mortgage ,if she doesn't earn enough to get the present loan the bank/building society will not release him from the loan

Yes, it's been suggested we look for a family member who can replace him...that's easier said than done! We can also approach the lender and get a "consent to rent" agreement for a year or two which seems the best option.

 

[kaymac]

Hope this situation is resolved in the best way possible for your daughter, as for him....I'm lost for words but best well shot of the bloke!

If looking to let then the insurance situation will need checking.

 

[Ricky Otto]

I think your daughter has dodged a bullet. I’ll echo what BBBL said, it’s better to happen now, than further down the line when things could have been a lot more complicated.

There’s obviously something going on for him to suddenly change his mind and retreat from a commitment of that magnitude. I mean, you don’t skip out on a relationship/mortgage just because you really want to ride your bicycle. Unfortunately, what that something is, you or your daughter may never find out.

And maybe you don’t need to. Maybe all you need to know, is that for this to play out as it has, it’s cleary not meant to be, between them.

As hard as it may be for her right now, tell her to imagine what it would have been like in 10 years time, when she’s trying to get the kids ready for school, whilst this middle-aged man is doing wheelies around the living room & putting tyre marks all over the furniture.

Also, regarding the house, is there no way she could stump up the money to keep it for now (Bank of OBL) and then put it up for rent? Would make more sense that incurring a hefty penalty, plus it’ll always be an asset.

100% this. I'd put money on there being something else and him using the terrible excuse of her not making an effort to not look like a complete c-unit by going off with another bird. I'd expect a new girlfriend who helped him through the break up in the next month or so, who has obviously been there a bit longer than he'd care to admit.

I know, I'm a cynical bloke.

 

[MK Shrimper]

There’s obviously something going on for him to suddenly change his mind and retreat from a commitment of that magnitude. I mean, you don’t skip out on a relationship/mortgage just because you really want to ride your bicycle. Unfortunately, what that something is, you or your daughter may never find out.

Not neccesarily. Now a lot of you make take umbrage at this, but I feel that a lot of men in their 20s/30s (not all) haven't grown up and are scared of losing their youth.

 

[Ricky Otto]

Not neccesarily. Now a lot of you make take umbrage at this, but I feel that a lot of men in their 20s/30s (not all) haven't grown up and are scared of losing their youth.

I think I was one, but I never entered into a serious relationship where I moved in with a partner etc until my 30s.
Could be wrong (and am quite frequently on this sort of thing) but given the financial commitment they have made and what they stand to lose I don't think he'd be wanting to end it like that without a pretty carrot dangling.

 

[MK Shrimper]

I think I was one, but I never entered into a serious relationship where I moved in with a partner etc until my 30s.
Could be wrong (and am quite frequently on this sort of thing) but given the financial commitment they have made and what they stand to lose I don't think he'd be wanting to end it like that without a pretty carrot dangling.

I guess it's the cost of houses/rents, student loans, job instability that doesn't help either. I had none of that in my 20s, I bought a flat in London for 40K, moved in my (now ex) partner. I still went clubbing/drinking but a lot of the time it was with her. I see people on FB who do a "lads holiday" to Vegas/Majorca etc, despite being in a relationship, and think, really?

 

[Ricky Otto]

I guess it's the cost of houses/rents, student loans, job instability that doesn't help either. I had none of that in my 20s, I bought a flat in London for 40K, moved in my (now ex) partner.

In my case that wasn't the reason. I just wasn't ready for that commitment to somebody. But yeah could well be the case for others.

 

[SUFC_Ross]

Thanks guys, you're right, of course - it's just heart breaking as a mum (possibly as a dad, I don't know, hers just patted her knee and said "blokes change their minds"!) - to see your children having their hearts broken and being at rock bottom.

We'll help as much as we can, of course we will, but we have just downsized to pay off the debts accumulated arising from my divorce and all the crap the ex left me to sort out. We don't have the kind of money to be able to help her to the extent she needs.

We are definitely looking at her potentially renting it out, we reckon it should rent out for about £1,200 pcm which more than covers the mortgage payments, but still ideally would like to get him off the mortgage rather than having her tied to him for a few more years. She can't afford it on her own - what 25 year old could?

OBL,

After going through a very difficult break up beginning of this year which did involve children, and me being left in the lurch with finances (credit being taken out in my name without me knowing and her spending the credit, us borrowing off my family to move into a bigger place as she was unhappy before) she buggered off abroad and I was left to pick up the pieces and pay it all back, I'm 7 months in and can finally start to see the light and how much better off I am as a person and my mental wellbeing, the finances and the like can be sorted as long as you don't bury your head in the sand, life will be better, and your daughter will realise she's much better off without a man child whos not willing to grow up and commit properly!

 

[GBJ]

Not neccesarily. Now a lot of you make take umbrage at this, but I feel that a lot of men in their 20s/30s (not all) haven't grown up and are scared of losing their youth.

For sure, but to acquire a mortgage & your first home, then actively plan for a wedding and kids, would suggest that at some point he was mature enough to be committed to OBL’s daughter, and want a future with her & everything it entails.

Something has changed that commitment, and of course whilst there may be many good/valid reasons why, wanting to ride your BMX with your friends, simply isn’t one of them.

Sorry but I’m with Ricky on this one. 9 times out of 10, he’s plating something else.

 

[MK Shrimper]

For sure, but to acquire a mortgage & your first home, then actively plan for a wedding and kids, would suggest that at some point he was mature enough to be committed to OBL’s daughter, and want a future with her & everything it entails.

Something has changed that commitment, and of course whilst there may be many good/valid reasons why, wanting to ride your BMX with your friends, simply isn’t one of them.

Sorry but I’m with Ricky on this one. 9 times out of 10, he’s plating something else.

Fish & chips?

There (supposedly) is a thing called the quarter-mid life crisis. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

I'm not defending him, but it's not always as cut & dried as playing away....that ticking time bomb and the icy hand of death comes for us all....

 

[GBJ]

Fish & chips?

There (supposedly) is a thing called the quarter-mid life crisis. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

I'm not defending him, but it's not always as cut & dried as playing away....that ticking time bomb and the icy hand of death comes for us all....

Again, for sure. There could be a totally plausible reason for his behaviour.

Who knows, maybe he’ll come out as gay in a couple of years, and Kay & her family will look back and it would all make sense, and everyone will appreciate that although it was painful at the time, overall it was the right thing to do.

What I do know though, is that wanting to play BMX’s with your friends, is one of the poorest excuses I’ve ever heard for backing out of a relationship, and when you’ve got to resort to fairytales like that, you’re normally covering something up that’s a little more sinister.

 

[Mad Cyril]

They took out a new 5 year fixed term on their mortgage in January, have been talking about long term plans, weddings, babies etc. Recently he has said that things have "changed", he wants to be like his mate and go out BMX riding (he is one of the top ones in the country) all over the country and going on holiday with his mates. She's never stopped him doing anything - she's joined in with some of it, drifting, kayaking - as long as it doesn't affect them being able to have a holiday. They agreed to make a bit more effort.

Sunday he decided he hasn't been making any effort and that was it. She's been sobbing her heart out here, pining and making herself ill, sleeping on the sofa because we have now downsized. He meanwhile has been out BMXing last night and drinking with his mates tonight.

They are supposed to be meeting up over the weekend to decide what's going on. I know what's going on, he's 29 and bloody needs to grow up! Penalty on the mortgage is going to be £12k if they decide to sell, she doesn't earn enough to take it on her own, and certainly doesn't want to be on her own at the moment in the house anyway. Her first home, she'd made it so beautiful and they'd worked really hard on it, I just don't understand...

I have some sympathy but it's better to split now than waste years trying to turn someone into the person you want them to be.

 

[Napster]

I have some sympathy but it's better to split now than waste years trying to turn someone into the person you want them to be.

What have you done with real Mad Cyril?