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Worst Thing To Happen In Bed
Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Oh, this gets better!
Shrimpersarmy
Available
Not really. I thought it was hilarious that i was getting some, and since he has been married for more than 20 years he clearly isn't[b said:Quote[/b] (The Flying Scotsman @ April 07 2006,14:35)]However Shrimpersarmy probably worries his Dad is going to walk in on him every time he gets into action!
Usual_Suspect
Members
His dad still can't look Toddy in the eye[b said:Quote[/b] (Shrimpersarmy @ April 07 2006,15:34)]Not really. I thought it was hilarious that i was getting some, and since he has been married for more than 20 years he clearly isn't[b said:Quote[/b] (The Flying Scotsman @ April 07 2006,14:35)]However Shrimpersarmy probably worries his Dad is going to walk in on him every time he gets into action!
Usual_Suspect
Members
*Puts his egg sandwich down and starts to shiver at the memories*[b said:Quote[/b] (The Flying Scotsman @ April 07 2006,14:21)]Usual Suspect walked in on me and the missus when I was still living at my mums, an image which still haunts him!!
The Artful Shrimper
President
Not really a bad experience but me and my beloved were staying in a little cottage in Stoke-upon-Teignmouth , picture postcard scene of tranquility in Devon.
Quiet and peaceful with local villagers walking happily on this silent sunday afternoon.
Me and she decided to have some fun. She excitedly shuts the curtains.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a my new found village snobbish attitude "you can't shut curtains at this time of day, people will know what we're up to."
At which she flung open the curtains opened the window and shouted down the silent street, "we're having sex!!!"
Quiet and peaceful with local villagers walking happily on this silent sunday afternoon.
Me and she decided to have some fun. She excitedly shuts the curtains.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a my new found village snobbish attitude "you can't shut curtains at this time of day, people will know what we're up to."
At which she flung open the curtains opened the window and shouted down the silent street, "we're having sex!!!"
Westcliff Shrimper
Director of Footballs⭐🦐
She probably took some money for a cab out of his wallet, and exited stage left...[b said:
Shrimpersarmy
Available
That's team bonding at it's best[b said:Quote[/b] (Usual_Suspect @ April 07 2006,15:50)]His dad still can't look Toddy in the eye[b said:Quote[/b] (Shrimpersarmy @ April 07 2006,15:34)]Not really. I thought it was hilarious that i was getting some, and since he has been married for more than 20 years he clearly isn't[b said:Quote[/b] (The Flying Scotsman @ April 07 2006,14:35)]However Shrimpersarmy probably worries his Dad is going to walk in on him every time he gets into action!
Interpol Shrimper
Member
Lets just say me & my 1st serious girlfriend got rather experimental in (& out of) the bedroom.
The first one I still find hard to believe actually did happen. I had a really crappy clapped out Ford Escort at the time and we decided to go for a summer night's clubbing in Norwich. On the way home down the A140 as dawn started to break, things got a bit amourous so we found a nice secluded lay-by and got down to it. Now my g/f always liked a lot of talk during the event and we often used to speak about things we'd like the other one to do.
One of my mates at the time was rather experimental & he'd told me about one of his ex's whose party piece was sitting on the gearstick in his car, so I mentioned this to N and she stopped what she was doing and "dismounted". Open mouthed I watched her clamber over the front seats and promptly lower herself onto the plastic gearknob and put on a bit of a show for me.
All went well until about a minute later when she decided that she was in fact stuck fast & couldn't free herself. The more frantic she became the more stuck she got & eventually was hysterical. I had visions of having to drive to casualty with her stuck fast & me having to say "CHANGE" each time I needed to shift gear
Luckily I managed to calm her down and within a couple of minutes she was able to release herself!!!
I swear this is 100% true, I've told this story to people on nights out before & they've not believed a word of it.
There is also another story where we got down to it far too quickly and a certain piece of me ripped!!! It was like a scene out of a badly produced B-list gangster movie with blood shooting out everywhere. The bedding was ruined and it was very hard having to explain to my parents what had happened. I blamed it on getting myself caught in my zip. This also involved a trip to casualty where they had to sew me up again
The first one I still find hard to believe actually did happen. I had a really crappy clapped out Ford Escort at the time and we decided to go for a summer night's clubbing in Norwich. On the way home down the A140 as dawn started to break, things got a bit amourous so we found a nice secluded lay-by and got down to it. Now my g/f always liked a lot of talk during the event and we often used to speak about things we'd like the other one to do.
One of my mates at the time was rather experimental & he'd told me about one of his ex's whose party piece was sitting on the gearstick in his car, so I mentioned this to N and she stopped what she was doing and "dismounted". Open mouthed I watched her clamber over the front seats and promptly lower herself onto the plastic gearknob and put on a bit of a show for me.
All went well until about a minute later when she decided that she was in fact stuck fast & couldn't free herself. The more frantic she became the more stuck she got & eventually was hysterical. I had visions of having to drive to casualty with her stuck fast & me having to say "CHANGE" each time I needed to shift gear
Luckily I managed to calm her down and within a couple of minutes she was able to release herself!!!
I swear this is 100% true, I've told this story to people on nights out before & they've not believed a word of it.
There is also another story where we got down to it far too quickly and a certain piece of me ripped!!! It was like a scene out of a badly produced B-list gangster movie with blood shooting out everywhere. The bedding was ruined and it was very hard having to explain to my parents what had happened. I blamed it on getting myself caught in my zip. This also involved a trip to casualty where they had to sew me up again
Shrimpersarmy
Available
Surely every mans worst nightmare[b said:Quote[/b] (glasgowsufc @ April 07 2006,16:43)]There is also another story where we got down to it far too quickly and a certain piece of me ripped!!! It was like a scene out of a badly produced B-list gangster movie with blood shooting out everywhere. The bedding was ruined and it was very hard having to explain to my parents what had happened. I blamed it on getting myself caught in my zip. This also involved a trip to casualty where they had to sew me up again
Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Garrrgh! You'd have won for the first story, dude! No need to add the banjo string.
Congratulations, you're the winner. Absolutely astonishing story and I'm prepared to accept it even though it wasn't technically in bed.
Let me see if we've got any more copies of Lee Sharpe's autobiography in the cupboard. If not I'll send you something of equal value.
Do you want to PM me your address?
Congratulations, you're the winner. Absolutely astonishing story and I'm prepared to accept it even though it wasn't technically in bed.
Let me see if we've got any more copies of Lee Sharpe's autobiography in the cupboard. If not I'll send you something of equal value.
Do you want to PM me your address?
Matt the Shrimp
aka Harry Potter
*winces at glasgowsufc's tales*
It is also a salient reminder that sex on various forms of transport is invariably pretty disappointing... (well, it has been for me, at any rate)
Matt
It is also a salient reminder that sex on various forms of transport is invariably pretty disappointing... (well, it has been for me, at any rate)
Matt
Shrimp in a Kilt
Guest
"The anticipation exceeds the reality", sadly...[b said:Quote[/b] (Matt the Shrimp @ April 07 2006,17:46)]*winces at glasgowsufc's tales*
It is also a salient reminder that sex on various forms of transport is invariably pretty disappointing... (well, it has been for me, at any rate)
Matt
shrimperman
Manager
Not very original but I feel I must leave my mark, so here goes,
In my school years, me and the boys would often go down the local park and play man hunt in the woods. We use to love it and it became a regular thing, every Tuesday and Thursday. Anyway, the word spread and soon a group of girls that we had become friendly with would come down with us. They wouldn't join in, just sit and watch whilst talking between one another, typically.
The opposing team had gone in the woods and the minute that we'd give each other to hide had passed. As my team excitedly ran into to find them, I reluctantly strolled away from the girls as I was enjoying a flirtatious conversion with one of them. As I walked away, I made a cheeky remark for her to join me to find them. To my surprise, she accepted. As we entered the woods, I insisted she lead, to which again she accepted. I knew my 'luck' was in. She instantly directed us through a path. I was quite surprised as she seemed to know her way through the woods rather well for girl!
It soon became clear that there was no purposeful route. She was just directing me to the most secluded part of the woods, which so happened to be a dead end.Ok, now was the time.
She whispered something to me. I couldn't hear what it was, so naturally lent closer. It was her ploy. As I lent towards her, she pounced. We kissed for a moment then, some how, fell to the floor. I've never recalled how, but it was irrevelant. Instantaneously, she lept upon me. We started kissing again, and, without going into too much detail, we were soon inside each others trousers. She was brilliant. At that age, I was still learning the trade and she was by far the best I've had. I on the other hand was struggerling. It was, at that age, your worse case scenario. You've pulled, she's getting stuck into your meat whilst you are left poking around hoping to find the right hole. It was only after a couple of minutes that she'd look up and ask whats wrong. I didn't know what to say, so just laughed. She tried 'helping me in' but for all I tried, I just couldn't find that magic hole. I eventually gave up, so laid back and enjoyed what she had to offer.
Once we'd finish, we buttoned up and started walking back to the gang. We decided that it would be best to keep it quiet as it was embarrassing for both of us. However, as we'd reached the group, there was something that I was finding 'hard' to hide. The gang had seen us so we couldnt just stop and head in the opposite direction. I tried the old, tuck it in to the boxers but this wasn't working either. My only chance was to hope nobody noticed. As we arrived back I lent down for my water bottle and it 'flopped' back out. Disaster. Everyone started laughing and abusing me. This continued for the rest of my school life, something that I'll never forget
In my school years, me and the boys would often go down the local park and play man hunt in the woods. We use to love it and it became a regular thing, every Tuesday and Thursday. Anyway, the word spread and soon a group of girls that we had become friendly with would come down with us. They wouldn't join in, just sit and watch whilst talking between one another, typically.
The opposing team had gone in the woods and the minute that we'd give each other to hide had passed. As my team excitedly ran into to find them, I reluctantly strolled away from the girls as I was enjoying a flirtatious conversion with one of them. As I walked away, I made a cheeky remark for her to join me to find them. To my surprise, she accepted. As we entered the woods, I insisted she lead, to which again she accepted. I knew my 'luck' was in. She instantly directed us through a path. I was quite surprised as she seemed to know her way through the woods rather well for girl!
It soon became clear that there was no purposeful route. She was just directing me to the most secluded part of the woods, which so happened to be a dead end.Ok, now was the time.
She whispered something to me. I couldn't hear what it was, so naturally lent closer. It was her ploy. As I lent towards her, she pounced. We kissed for a moment then, some how, fell to the floor. I've never recalled how, but it was irrevelant. Instantaneously, she lept upon me. We started kissing again, and, without going into too much detail, we were soon inside each others trousers. She was brilliant. At that age, I was still learning the trade and she was by far the best I've had. I on the other hand was struggerling. It was, at that age, your worse case scenario. You've pulled, she's getting stuck into your meat whilst you are left poking around hoping to find the right hole. It was only after a couple of minutes that she'd look up and ask whats wrong. I didn't know what to say, so just laughed. She tried 'helping me in' but for all I tried, I just couldn't find that magic hole. I eventually gave up, so laid back and enjoyed what she had to offer.
Once we'd finish, we buttoned up and started walking back to the gang. We decided that it would be best to keep it quiet as it was embarrassing for both of us. However, as we'd reached the group, there was something that I was finding 'hard' to hide. The gang had seen us so we couldnt just stop and head in the opposite direction. I tried the old, tuck it in to the boxers but this wasn't working either. My only chance was to hope nobody noticed. As we arrived back I lent down for my water bottle and it 'flopped' back out. Disaster. Everyone started laughing and abusing me. This continued for the rest of my school life, something that I'll never forget
Winkle
Manager
A Good friend of mine( who reads this board and who I cannot mention) had rather to much to drink in our local , which resulted in him pulling the local lass, whos nickname was fishy for an obvious reason nown to us but not to him! Well the deal was going down and so was he and well, the smell kind of hit him resulting in a minge full of regurgitad doner kebab and several pints of stella artois...... she wasnt a happy bunny, but I pi$$ed meself laughing for weeks!!!
Desert Shrimper
The Oil Baron
[b said:Quote[/b] (The Artful Shrimper @ April 07 2006,16:05)]Not really a bad experience but me and my beloved were staying in a little cottage in Stoke-upon-Teignmouth , picture postcard scene of tranquility in Devon.
Quiet and peaceful with local villagers walking happily on this silent sunday afternoon.
Me and she decided to have some fun. She excitedly shuts the curtains.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a my new found village snobbish attitude "you can't shut curtains at this time of day, people will know what we're up to."
At which she flung open the curtains opened the window and shouted down the silent street, "we're having sex!!!"
Guest
Guest
Well mine actualy happened quite recently!
After laying rip to corky's and jst corky's alnight I see Gemma(Name is changed due to identity!). Well me and Gemma have always been the sort when we see each other to flirt and then kiss and not talk for months because one of us wouldn't make a move!
Well about 4 weeks back I saw Gemma again and so I thought I bet we start talking and then kiss and not talk again for ages, how wrong could I be. We started talking... then kissing... then having a feel to check if we had the tools... and then...
...I'm outside HER house in HER car getting my clothes off! Don't ask how I got there cause I don't know myself. Now Gemma had nice curves, i'd like to think of Liz Hurley.The bra comes off my top comes off, her knickers then my boxers! Wahey! Protection on away we go!!
... 15 minutes of good working out at a fast pace and she says I need to stop. Not wanting to get done for rape I stop!Anyway she then says I need to go to the toilet!Feeling like I am going to faint (I think she could tell as well) she said only joking! I didnt know what to say because there aint no toilets in a car!
...so the show goes on. She starts shaking my best friends hand and then I start giving her a tiggle, next thing I know she sitting on my face, and all I can see is a nice shaven pussy in my face, I lick and suck checking out the kebab shes leaning forward blowing me David.
... so alls going well she moaning i'm loving it, then she starts kinder teething me knob.I thought it was a new experience but the problem was it was starting to hurt! Before I could say 'Calm Down Thats A Bit Painful' I get a shower...
...
... thats right a shower of pi$$ in my face! Feeling humilated and like I am going to be sick I got me stuff acted calm got the car keys out of her trousers on the floor and got out of the car, locked the doors dropped the keys by the door and ran fully naked until the next bus stop! Slept in there alnight freezing my b******s off and got home safe and well at about 8.30am the next morning! Safe to say I am not trying to get 'in her knickers' again and Thank God (touch wood) I havn't seen her since!
Advice:
When a girl jokingly says I need a pi$$ make her go. Better safe than sorry!
After laying rip to corky's and jst corky's alnight I see Gemma(Name is changed due to identity!). Well me and Gemma have always been the sort when we see each other to flirt and then kiss and not talk for months because one of us wouldn't make a move!
Well about 4 weeks back I saw Gemma again and so I thought I bet we start talking and then kiss and not talk again for ages, how wrong could I be. We started talking... then kissing... then having a feel to check if we had the tools... and then...
...I'm outside HER house in HER car getting my clothes off! Don't ask how I got there cause I don't know myself. Now Gemma had nice curves, i'd like to think of Liz Hurley.The bra comes off my top comes off, her knickers then my boxers! Wahey! Protection on away we go!!
... 15 minutes of good working out at a fast pace and she says I need to stop. Not wanting to get done for rape I stop!Anyway she then says I need to go to the toilet!Feeling like I am going to faint (I think she could tell as well) she said only joking! I didnt know what to say because there aint no toilets in a car!
...so the show goes on. She starts shaking my best friends hand and then I start giving her a tiggle, next thing I know she sitting on my face, and all I can see is a nice shaven pussy in my face, I lick and suck checking out the kebab shes leaning forward blowing me David.
... so alls going well she moaning i'm loving it, then she starts kinder teething me knob.I thought it was a new experience but the problem was it was starting to hurt! Before I could say 'Calm Down Thats A Bit Painful' I get a shower...
...
... thats right a shower of pi$$ in my face! Feeling humilated and like I am going to be sick I got me stuff acted calm got the car keys out of her trousers on the floor and got out of the car, locked the doors dropped the keys by the door and ran fully naked until the next bus stop! Slept in there alnight freezing my b******s off and got home safe and well at about 8.30am the next morning! Safe to say I am not trying to get 'in her knickers' again and Thank God (touch wood) I havn't seen her since!
Advice:
When a girl jokingly says I need a pi$$ make her go. Better safe than sorry!
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