Worst Thing To Happen In Bed

[Slipperduke]

Right, it's officially Friday afternoon and that means storytime. What's the worst thing that has ever happened to you whilst in bed with a lady? Or in bed with a chap if you are a lady. Or any combo, really, it's all cool.


It could be a horrific injury, an ill-advised comment, an appalling performance or a case of mistaken identity. Anything that you've kept hidden away for years. It's time to bring it out in the open

There will be a prize for the winner, though I can't promise that it will be anything good.

 

[Slipperduke]

Ah, poor Belfast Sarah. It could have been splendid with Sarah. She really was lovely.

I met her in a sweaty indie bar in Soho about five years ago and she shone like a beacon in the fog of all that grunge. She was blonde, she was pretty, she was funny and her eyes, oh her eyes! Ice blue and they'd light up if you made her laugh. She was a primary school teacher at a very posh school, but she wasn't bossy or matronly, she was just lovely.

We went on two or three dates before 'the incident'. She, as I've already intimated, was from Belfast, and she liked a drink. My kind of girl. Anyway, on the third date we went back to her house.

Now, my record with women is patchy at best as regular readers will know, so to have the opportunity to go home with a girl like this was...well...I was very excited about the whole thing.

For the last ten years I've always lived with girls. Every place in London that I've ever rented, I've had a female flatmate. In my humble opinion, the presence of a woman can help prevent a chap from falling into critical disrepair. They also talk a lot. I've learnt a lot about the whole sex thing from the breakfast table natterings of a bevy of spent or frustratedly unspent housemates. The one constant variable in their reports has been that being good in bed can allow a man to bat way, way above his average.

Basically, I wanted to put on a good performance with Belfast Sarah and secure my position with a girl that, frankly, I had no right to be with.

So we slipped off to bed and I went through my limited repertoire with as much skill as my tipsy fingers could generate. We kissed, we cuddled, we toyed, we fumbled. And then I pulled out the heavy artillery; I made a full frontal assault with my Oral Marines.

Down I went, desperately trying to remember all the Lad Mag tips. Tongue up? Tongue down? Circles? Should I use a finger? Two? Oooh Oooh, write your name with your tongue, I remember that one!

Within moments, things were happening! She tightened her thighs around my head. This had to be a good thing! I carried on with my spelling. S.L.I.P.P....

Her legs tightened even more, her hands snaked down to grab at my head! Wow! What a great tip, now I'm in for sure! E.R.D.U....

Her legs were now clamped around my head to the point where I was beginning to lose conciousness. There was a vibration building up in her body that seemed....out of place.

PAAAAAAAAARPphizzle!

She farted on my chin.

Just stop and think about that for a moment. She was naked. My head was...well, you know.

Sweet mother of God, she farted at my mouth. That's not right. This sweet girl, this teacher of children, parped me.

I peeled her legs away from my ears and raised my eyes above the horizon of her body.

"Sorry," she squirmed. "I hate it when that happens!"

Not as much as me, sweetheart.  Not as much as me.

 

[canveyshrimper]

...and as the old joke goes, I bet you didn't stay for another 68 of those.

 

[Benfleetshrimp]

I have sh!t the bed whilst my wife was laying next to me. Was dreaming I was sat on the bog having a damn good Poo.

No fun at all stood in the bath with the shower pointed at my balloon knot at 3am

 

[Shrimpersarmy]

My dad walking in and catching an eyeful of the action. Oh the shame

 

[Benfleetshrimp]

I have a mate who used to lodge with another mate and his parents who were in their late 60's. One night my mate comes in absolutley pi$$ed out of his head. Gets into bed and a while later gets up to go for a slash. He then gets into my other mates parents bed. Cuddles up to the mum whilst he is stark bollock naked.
After getting kicked out he walks to the top of the stairs and pi$$es down them.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Well, mine is not so much embarrassment as guilt...

A few years back I was dating this lovely girl... we'll call her Jane. Jane and I had sort of known one another before we'd actually hooked up - I was in choir, and she helped out in our college Chapel. So, she was someone who I saw frequently, and I'd always thought was rather nice. But I'd never really seen our Chapel as much of a pick-up joint, so I left it at that.

One particular evening, I had been invited to a birthday party - so I went along, not really expecting very much... but I happened to bump into Jane. It turned out that the person, whose birthday it was, was a mutual friend of ours.

Most unexpectedly (since it never normally happened to me), our bumping into each other was the cue for Jane to pursue me relentlessly all night. Yes, there really are women out there mad enough to do something like that. After a night of being totally flummoxed (I thought men were supposed to do the chasing?), Jane managed to pull me - so fair play to her.

Anyhow, it turned out she was a great lass, and we ended up going out for a while. The only problem was that she'd been commuting to college from near Portsmouth - and I, as an impecunious student, couldn't afford to travel out to the coast that often. Besides, making out with her in her parents house didn't really appeal.

The solution was that Jane always agreed to house-sit for any friends of hers who were away. So, that summer, she called me in glee to say that she'd sorted out a plum house-sitting job round the corner from me... at Tim's house. If you recall, Jane and I first became aware of eachother at the university Chapel... and, you guessed it, Tim was the college Chaplain. In effect, Tim was our vicar.

What a quandary for a young man. Tim was my vicar, the man who took me through confirmation, the man who gave me communion every week. Jane was staying at his house... Jane was my bird... Jane was removing her clothes...

Sorry Tim. We did have sex in your bed. Many times. It was a spiritual experience, truly.

Jane and I drifted apart many moons ago, but the guilt of that particular liaison has remained... not helped by the fact that Jane is now herself...


...a vicar.

Oh well.

MtS

 

[The Flying Scotsman]

Quote[/b] (Shrimpersarmy @ April 07 2006,14:05)]My dad walking in and catching an eyeful of the action. Oh the shame  

LOL! Always funny when someone walks in on you - never sure who's more embarrassed.

Usual Suspect walked in on me and the missus when I was still living at my mums, an image which still haunts him!!

 

[TrueBlue]

Pulled this bird took her back and I was so drunk I fell asleep on her OHH THE SHAME!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (The Flying Scotsman @ April 07 2006,14:21)]LOL! Always funny when someone walks in on you - never sure who's more embarrassed.

Usual Suspect walked in on me and the missus when I was still living at my mums, an image which still haunts him!!  

Always the person walking in, I reckon. At a house-party, I was looking for a friend of mine for a quick natter, and I walked into a bedroom to find this couple going hammer and tongs with all the covers off.

The gentleman's rhythm remained entirely unbroken by my entrance into the room. The very strange thing was that my friend was in the same room, chatting to someone.

My friend Sean (whose bedroom it was) went up to his room later that evening, and came down looking as white as a sheet....

...which was pretty striking, since Sean is mixed-race.

To this day, Sean hasn't told me what happened - I can only persume that this random couple were still at it in Sean's bed... and that my friend had also got down to business on the other side of the room.

Meanwhile, in standard MtS house party mode, I drank beer and became unofficial DJ... a lot safer than trying to pull.

 

[The Flying Scotsman]

I have to agree, I think it's the one walking in. I wasn't bothered at all, thought it was hilarious. The missus was a tad embarrassed, but like I say, he is still scarred. However Shrimpersarmy probably worries his Dad is going to walk in on him every time he gets into action!

 

[Guest]

Last week in bed with my mate, his phone kept on ringing. Turned out to be his girlfriend constantly phoning him. He never answered it.

And to this day, she has no idea what's been going on most evenings when he's not at home....

 

[Slipperduke]

Blimey. With stories like that it's little wonder that you didn't register!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ April 07 2006,14:53)]Blimey. With stories like that it's little wonder that you didn't register!

It's the lack of clarity, as yet, to our Resident Poster's gender that I think is the most intriguing aspect of it all...

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

I feel it prudent to point out todays "Resident Poster" is not the same person as the last similar thread's "Regular Poster"

 

[Slipperduke]

Come on Resident Poster! Unmask yourself!

There's the chance of winning Lee Sharpe's autobiography to tempt you out from the shadows....

Second prize, two copies of Lee Sharpe's autobiography. Boom Boom!

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

The Summer of 2004. What a summer. endless days spent on East Beach, nights sitting in beautiful beer gardens in Leigh watching the sun set in the distance. Euro 2004 was in full flow and women wearing next to nothing in the hot summer days. It was a great time to be a guy. The world was my oyster. Well South Essex was. After a bad day at the office one Wednesday I phoned a mate to see if he fancied a few drinks at the Peterboat. 'How about Chameleon instead?' He said. 'Well its a possibility but I do have work tomorrow' I replied. After ten minutes of discussions he persuaded me. Well, it wasn't hard after he said I am meeting a girl there and she is bringing a nice single mate apparently. So that was me caught -hook, line and sinker. But in order to be half-ready for work tomorrow I decided to drive. We arrived at Southend at about 8. And I fancied a few down the seafront. So did my mate - at the Forresters Arms. Great! Strip night! So after an couple of hours in there seeing average women wiggle their butts in my face, I was ready for action. We entered Chameleon at just gone 10. Early to enter, early to leave as I was driving. After a half an hour or so the girl my mate was meeting turned up and standing next to her was a goddess. 5 foot 5, blonde hair, size 8, tanned, beautiful, stunning. I was drooling. (which i hoped she didn't see). Now then in my sober state, the lack of Dutch courage effected me big time. I couldn't talk to her. And knowing if i dared it would of came out like eeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh your pretty! That would of gone down quicker than the titanic. Anyway for the first 45 minutes or so me and my mate went one way and these two girls went the other. God I needed a drink. Anything to give me the confidence to string a proper sentence together just to get a reply out of here. As I stood on the corner of the dance floor, she came over to me with her mate. I started to sweat, my palms got all clammy, my throat started to close up. It felt like I was having an heart attack. Then from the DJ booth came 'Summer Of 69!' One of my favourite songs on and this stunning girl inches away from me, I had a split second to decide what to do. Then my right arm reached out and my left arm starting moving up and down - I was playing bloody air guitar! Well done me - you are a p%&*k. But wait - what's this. She...she is laughing. Yes - Rule Number 1 - make a girl laugh and your are half way there. So I continued. And after an hour or so of air guitar, pointless chit chat and eventually THAT kiss I had her. I got her number and off I went home grinning from ear to ear!

Anyway, after a few dates it was going well. I couldn't believe my luck at having this gorgeous girl on my arm. Life could get no better. Then one day I got the text - fancy staying over mine tonight? That heartache feeling was coming back. I couldn't say no! So that night, it was a Friday, she was going to TALK ad I was heading to Bakers Bar and we promised to meet up afterwards. Al night I knew I couldn't drink that much otherwise The Rocket would not be in operation! But the more I thought of it, the more I panicked, the more I drank - its a vicious circle!! 2am came around very quickly (amazingly quicker the more I drank!) and we meet at a kebab house near the main bus stop in southend. A slow stroll/stumble back to hers near York Road (yes i know - bad news straight away!) and there I was standing in front of her front door. My hands starting shaking, was this due to nerves or alcohol? I put it down to both! Then within what seemed 30 seconds we were upstairs laying in her bed. The natural fumble/stripping began. All of a sudden an injection of confidence arrived. I was ready! And so was the Rocket - to some surprise from me! Their she laid, ready for me, 5...........4..................3..................2..................1..............we have...NASA! WE HAVE A PROBLEM! The rocket was ignited but yet I couldn't find the space. PANIC!!! PANIC!!!! God - where is that hole!!!! NOOK! NOOOO! For 15 minutes I tried. I couldn't find it. I froze! I could feel eyes welling up!!! This can't get any worse. I then collapsed onto the bed in anger! Well thats that then I thought. But then she came to me. I thanked the lord - of course she had no problem in lift off and we were away. 'After 30 seconds I thought this is great! fantastic! But...................wait....................not already! No way!!!! STAY DOWN!!! STAY IN THERE!.............................BOLLOXS!

Well! That was fun!!! The relationship didn't last much longer after that!!

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Blimey SUFCFARAWAY. Could you write it in paragraphs next time?!

 

[Slipperduke]

Awesome! That's exactly what we're looking for.

I think we have a new name at the top of the Leaderboard!

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

I hope the prize is a ticket for Bristol City!