Text Jokes

[BaileytheQuitter]

Mate text me this one-

I was on a website today; reading about the dangers of drinking alcohol.

SCARED ME ****LESS!!!

Im never reading again.

 

[Bentley's Absurd Gait]

I knew my marriage was on the rocks when my wife won a trip for two to Las Vegas. She went twice.

 

[canveyshrimper]

My wife bought me a rocket for Christmas.

I said "What is that for?"

She said "You wanted space, now f*ck off"

 

[eastwood shrimper]

If easily offended with Mark Speight jokes don't read on

I've heard that Mark Speight has finally had some good news!
Apparently neither the BBC or ITV would offer him a job but thankfully he's turned up on a local station instead!

What does CBBC now stand for?
Coke Binging Bathroom corpse

It was heard by police that Mark Speight killed girlfriend Natasha Collins because he thought that she was having an affair with one of his best friends.
According to Speight, during sex she was screaming 'Give me Morph! Give me Morph!'

 

[BaileytheQuitter]

I've just booked a holiday to that place in Scotland where they found that head on the beach. I've heard there may be some fanny floating about.


I'm here all week. :tumbleweed:

You make me laugh.

 

[dloman]

If easily offended with Mark Speight jokes don't read on

I've heard that Mark Speight has finally had some good news!
Apparently neither the BBC or ITV would offer him a job but thankfully he's turned up on a local station instead!

What does CBBC now stand for?
Coke Binging Bathroom corpse

It was heard by police that Mark Speight killed girlfriend Natasha Collins because he thought that she was having an affair with one of his best friends.
According to Speight, during sex she was screaming 'Give me Morph! Give me Morph!'

Continuing on this theme one i received earlier:

If you think passengers spending 24 hours at terminal 5 is bad, i know someone who was hanging around paddington station for 6 days.

 

[Jay_Shrimper]

"The police have just arrested Dawn French for possesion of drugs...She bent over in a mini skirt revealing 72 kilos of crack!"


"Five secrets of a perfect relationship."
1) It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2) It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3) It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who would never lie to you.
4) It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5) It's absolutely ****ing vital that these four woman don't know each other.

 

[Alexis_SUFC]

Continuing on this theme one i received earlier:

If you think passengers spending 24 hours at terminal 5 is bad, i know someone who was hanging around paddington station for 6 days.

Very good, Speight-out of ten.

I'm Sorry.

 

[Bluesmanager]

Got this on an email years back...

One day God calls down to Noah and says
"Noah me old china, I wont you to make me a new Ark"

Noah replies

"No probs God, oh supreme being. Anything you want, after all you're the gov"

But God interrupts, "ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 decks!" screams Noah

"well, ok big man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"yep, that's right, well sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers

"Fish?" queries Noah

"Yep, fish. Well, to be specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp."

Noah looks to the skies.

"Ok, let me get this right: you want a new Ark?

"Check"

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check"

"And you want if full of Carp?"

"Check"

"But why?" asked the perplexed Noah

"Dunno" says God, "I just fancied a multi -storey carp Ark"

Awful I know, but when I read it it had me gasping for breath for the next five minutes.

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Bloke goes to the doctors cos he's been raped by an elephant.
Doctor says 'that's strange, your ar$e is 11" wide and an elephant's **** is only 3" wide.'
Bloke says 'I know, the ba$tard fingered me first.'

 

[blue scorpion]

Whats the very first thing a battered wife should do when she leaves the hospital?
The ****ing washing up if she knows whats good for her.

 

[Cricko]

I found a Parrot in my Garden today . All it say's is f**k off you ugly C**t....

Is it yours Harry ?

 

[Clinton Baptiste]

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo.


Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo.


Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

That is soooooo bad!!

 

[Bentley's Absurd Gait]

When I was born, my family were so poor. If I wasn't born a boy, I would have nothing to play with.

 

[Uncle Leo]

Man walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"

His wife, who is in bed, says:

"I think you will find that is a sheep you have under your arm, you idiot"

He replies:

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you"

 

[Cricko]

Man walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"

His wife, who is in bed, says:

"I think you will find that is a sheep you have under your arm, you idiot"

He replies:

"I think you'll find I was talking to the Sheep.."

Edited for effect..:whistling:

 

[steveo]

John Arne Riise got into trouble with the motorway Police on his way home from the game last night. He was arrested for heading the wrong way.

 

[Pubey]

John Arne Riise got into trouble with the motorway Police on his way home from the game last night. He was arrested for heading the wrong way.

nicked that one!

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Bloke goes to the doctors cos he's been raped by an elephant.
Doctor says 'that's strange, your ar$e is 11" wide and an elephant's **** is only 3" wide.'
Bloke says 'I know, the ba$tard fingered me first.'

Hahaha superb