Text Jokes

[sufc_tom]

Post your jokes you get sent to your phone here!

A guy takes his girlfriend to meet his parents. "I must warn you," he says "they are both deaf and dumb." They walk in the living room and his mums' got a beer bottle up her f****, they see his dad sitting there with his nuts out & a matchstick propping his eyes opwn. "What the **** is this??" she asks. "It's sign language," he replies "mum is saying 'get the beers in ya c***' and dad is saying 'bollocks, I'm watching the match!"

:D:D


...:::... .:. ....::::::.. :::....:: :.: .:......:


Lot's of love,

Stevie Wonder
xxx

I can't put anymore up as their too rude :D

 

[Uncle Leo]

From a Celtic mate:

Rangers have had so much luck this season, they'll probably come back from Portugal this week with Madeleine McCann

 

[mattytheshrimper]

husband says to wife 'my olympic condoms have arrived. i think i'll wear gold tonight' wife says 'why don't you wear silver and cum f ucking second for a change

 

[canveyshrimper]

From a Celtic mate:

Rangers have had so much luck this season, they'll probably come back from Portugal this week with Madeleine McCann

:D

Man driving down a country lane and a woman driving in the opposite direction on the same road. They pass each other, the man leans out of the window & yells "COW". The woman yells back "PR*CK". Woman turns corner and crashes into a huge cow and dies instantly.

If only women would f*cking listen.;)

 

[class]

I've just booked a holiday to that place in Scotland where they found that head on the beach. I've heard there may be some fanny floating about.


I'm here all week. :tumbleweed:

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

Woman driving car with her 2 young children in the back. They are behind a dustcart when all of a sudden a vibrator comes flying out of the back, hits the car windsreen and then into the kerb. Woman is a little embarrassed and to protect her childrens innocence says 'did you see that insect hit the windscreen?'. A little voice in the back replies 'with a c**k that big i'm surprised it could fly!'

 

[EastStandBlue]

Domestic Hide and Seek Champion Shannon Matthews will this week fly to Portugal in order to Challenge International Champion Madeline McCann.

or

A UEFA Spokesman has today announced that, should Liverpool defeat Chelsea in the Champions League Semi-Finals for the third time this season, they get to keep the London club.

 

[Firestorm]

For her Birthday my Wife wanted to be Princess for a day, So I put her in a mercedes and crashed it

 

[BrettieAngell]

A UEFA Spokesman has today announced that, should Liverpool defeat Chelsea in the Champions League Semi-Finals for the third time this season, they get to keep the London club.

HA ha ha, love it!!!

 

[DTS]

I just got this from my mate the pilot.

FANCY A GAME OF HANGMAN?

I....I
I. I
I. 0
I /I\
I /\
I
________________

M_RK SPE_G_T

Made me laugh anyway.....

bloody spacing is wrong but you get the jist.....

 

[sufc_tom]

Mr and Mrs Blobby are lying in bed. Mrs Blobby says "blib blob blibby blob, blibby, blob." Mr Blobby says just f***ing swallow it!"

:D

 

[Vange Shrimper]

I just got this from my maye the pilot.

FANCY A GAME OF HANGMAN?

I....I
I I
I 0
I /I\
I /\
I
________________

M_RK SPE_G_T

Made me laugh anyway.....

That was uncalled for and bang out of order.

 

[DTS]

That was uncalled for and bang out of order.

I am merely repeating a text I recieved Flange.

 

[Vange Shrimper]

I am merely repeating a text I recieved Flange.

I know, but still, bit wrong.

 

[sufc_tom]

South Essex Police Statement:

A man has been found dead in South Essex this morning wearing a Colchester United shirt, Women's knickers, fishnet stockings and a dildo shoved up his backside.

Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embarassment.

*laughing face*

 

[DTS]

I know, but still, bit wrong.

So is giving you partner bad drugs but you werent up in arms about that?

 

[Vange Shrimper]

So is giving you partner bad drugs but you werent up in arms about that?

Im not even going to argue about this with you, Dave!

 

[DTS]

Im not even going to argue about this with you, Dave!

Thanks.

You know im right....

x

 

[sufc_tom]

Zeus the Greek God was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked washing herself. He made love to her and then stroked her face and told her "In 9 months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!" She dressed herself, smiled elegantly and replied "In 9 days you will have a rash and call it Herpes."

 

[Bentley's Absurd Gait]

I just got this from my mate the pilot.

FANCY A GAME OF HANGMAN?

I....I
I. I
I. 0
I /I\
I /\
I
________________

M_RK SPE_G_T

Made me laugh anyway.....

bloody spacing is wrong but you get the jist.....

Superb David. How about this one?

I hate blind dates. The last blind date I had, the girl was ugly. Only once in her life was she whistled at. It was right before the train hit her.