Best one liners

[duncan bulgaria]

Been away on a stag with few pals and had us reminising about the good old days and one of my pals is witty as **** and a couple of his classics were the below :

After a game where the ref who'd just ref'd us who had metal legs :

Ref : cheers lads , good game wheres the gaffa .

Pal : he's not about ref but if you need paying i have some WD40 in the van !!



After listening to some big old lump telling her personal trainer that she'd previously lost 4 stone

Pal : what happened did you get one of your tusks sawn off love !!

Anyone else got some classics ??

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Not saying she is ugly but it looks like her face caught fire as a baby and her dad put it out with a shovel!!!!

 

[canveyshrimper]

I'm not saying she was a big girl, but she kick starts jumbo jets.

 

[A Century United]

I tried on a pair of glasses in the optician and (peering at myself myopicaly in the mirror) said

"I like these, they give me an intellectual air."

My wife glanced up from her magazine and said

"Yes dear. Such a pity it's just an air."

 

[canveyshrimper]

My ex gave me a rocket for my birthday.

I said "What's this for?"

She said "You wanted space now **** off"

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

[SIZE=-1]If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?[/SIZE]

 

[canveyshrimper]

If little girls are made of sugar & spice why do they taste of anchovies?

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night!!!

 

[A Century United]

[SIZE=-1]If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?[/SIZE]

Which is why I never saw the problem with Soylent Green....

:unsure:

 

[Swiss Tony]

I said to my mrs,our relationship is all about mind over matter,i don't mind and you don't matter.

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

I said to my missus 'your the double of Kate Moss'. She smiled and i added 'she's 9 stone and your 18 stone you fat pig'!. (anyone got a spare room for the night?)

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

This one is for Cricko......

"OLD" is when ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

 

[canveyshrimper]

This one is for Cricko......

"OLD" is when ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

I thought it was when he had said sexy babe in his boudoir and told her not to worry about old age creeping on during the night.;)

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Cricko's last bit of skirt asked him to "come up stairs and make love"......

he replied, "pick on love, I can not manage both"

 

[londonblue]

Mid eighties playing tennis with a friend in Chalkwell park we were being annoyed by some young girls. The friend I was playing with had long hair and a shaggy perm at the time...come on, it was the eighties.

Anyway, at the end, my friend went over to the girls to explain to them how annoying they'd been.

"Oh my god, I thought you were a girl!" one of them said. To which I replied, "Oh my god, I thought you were!"


When I moved in with my now wife she had two cats. (Gilbert and Sullivan - she sings opera.) She asked me if I minded having two cats in the house. I said, "Of course not. I've always wanted two cats and a dog!"

 

[BLUEBLOOD]

If God had intended blokes to stay faithful to one bird, he wouldn't have invented other birds

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

I love the Winston Churchill v. Nancy Astor repartee:

"Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee."

"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

 

[canveyshrimper]

I love the Winston Churchill v. Nancy Astor repartee:

"Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee."

"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

I think there was a Bessie Braddock one.

"Mr Churchill you are drunk"

"Yes Mrs Braddock I am, but you are ugly and I shall be sober in the morning" :D

 

[duncan bulgaria]

I think there was a Bessie Braddock one.

"Mr Churchill you are drunk"

"Yes Mrs Braddock I am, but you are ugly and I shall be sober in the morning" :D

I'd of gone back to Churchill seeing as he was bald and say

' who parted your hair ....Moses ' !!