The Flying Scotsman
Gaffer
WORLD CUP FOOTBALL - LIST OF TV RULES
Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to
take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the
day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule
#2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, FA Cup, etc. & MOST IMPORTANTLY SOUTHEND IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP (fingers crossed).
Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to
take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the
day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule
#2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, FA Cup, etc. & MOST IMPORTANTLY SOUTHEND IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP (fingers crossed).
