Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Do you think that the people who run football will ever get to the point where they have enough money? Can you imagine them, sat atop a glistening mountain of gold coins, clad in rare velvets, adorned with crowns, drinking 19th century red wine and thinking that perhaps they‘ve gone far enough? Will they light a rare cigar with the title deeds to the Palace of Versailles and finally say, “Alright, lads, I think we’re done here?”
If they could let us know where this vanishing point is, it would be really nice, because I’ve had just about all I can take of watching them whore my game out. This latest proposal to take matches around the world on tour has sickened the vast majority of English football fans who, after years of being squeezed for all they have are now finally being deemed as unnecessary. And, don’t worry, I’m not wiping the coal dust off my donkey jacket and assuming the ‘working class hero’ role here. This lunatic idea doesn’t make any sense on any level.
Firstly, the very balance of the Premier League will be irrevocably shattered. When 20 team play each other twice, their final positions are just and fair. They all endured the same season, with the same opponents and whoever comes out on top is there on merit. Throw a 39th game, picked at random, into the equation and the entire notion of fair competition is destroyed. What if Liverpool get drawn with Tottenham? Not one of the big five clubs, but stiffer opposition than Reading, which is who Manchester United end up with. When Sir Alex Ferguson’s side lift the title by one point, can they really consider themselves the best again? How about if you support Reading and have to play United when Wigan and Birmingham get to play each other? Feeling a little aggrieved at being relegated? Too right.
The Premier League bigwigs are hyperventilating at the prospect of copying the NFL and prostituting their sport around the world, but look how that worked out! The New York Giants ran out at Wembley against the Miami Dolphins in pouring rain and proceeded to serve up one of the worst games of American Football in living memory. It was awful! What happens if Chelsea and Blackburn, in the Yokohama Stadium, squeeze out a torrid 0-0? Everybody, except presumably the people in charge, knows that when a struggling team plays a superpower they pack the midfield and defend for their lives. It makes dreadful viewing. With a seeded draw, that’s the kind of entertainment they want to export? And never mind that, who’s going to go and watch Middlesbrough against Derby, eh? Great idea, boys.
What’s the overall aim, besides making them money? To make English football popular? Well it seemed pretty popular to me when I was in The Elizabeth Hotel in Singapore last August. It took me 10 minutes to get a drink and when Arsenal scored the roof nearly caved in. It’s patronising to think that the Asian audience doesn’t really understand football and needs it rolled out in front of them like this. Most of the New Paper readers I met last year have a greater knowledge of the game than people in the UK. To think that you can present them with one tawdry game a year and they’ll splurge their life savings on official merchandise is just insulting. It’s Imperial Britain presenting the natives with trinkets and then nicking their islands.
Ignore the promises of Peter Scudamore, ignore his placations of, “it’s only one game.” Once that advertising money starts rolling in, once he starts cashing those performance bonuses, he’ll change his tune. The UK is exhausted, we can give no more money to the cause. He wants to squeeze the globe for all it has.
Behold the future! Exhausted footballers touring half-empty stadiums across the world to fulfil fixtures in a league that has lost all competitive credibility. Scudamore may believe that he’s taking us on to a higher plane, but all he’s managed to do is to show that the world that, in English football, the only thing that counts is money.
If they could let us know where this vanishing point is, it would be really nice, because I’ve had just about all I can take of watching them whore my game out. This latest proposal to take matches around the world on tour has sickened the vast majority of English football fans who, after years of being squeezed for all they have are now finally being deemed as unnecessary. And, don’t worry, I’m not wiping the coal dust off my donkey jacket and assuming the ‘working class hero’ role here. This lunatic idea doesn’t make any sense on any level.
Firstly, the very balance of the Premier League will be irrevocably shattered. When 20 team play each other twice, their final positions are just and fair. They all endured the same season, with the same opponents and whoever comes out on top is there on merit. Throw a 39th game, picked at random, into the equation and the entire notion of fair competition is destroyed. What if Liverpool get drawn with Tottenham? Not one of the big five clubs, but stiffer opposition than Reading, which is who Manchester United end up with. When Sir Alex Ferguson’s side lift the title by one point, can they really consider themselves the best again? How about if you support Reading and have to play United when Wigan and Birmingham get to play each other? Feeling a little aggrieved at being relegated? Too right.
The Premier League bigwigs are hyperventilating at the prospect of copying the NFL and prostituting their sport around the world, but look how that worked out! The New York Giants ran out at Wembley against the Miami Dolphins in pouring rain and proceeded to serve up one of the worst games of American Football in living memory. It was awful! What happens if Chelsea and Blackburn, in the Yokohama Stadium, squeeze out a torrid 0-0? Everybody, except presumably the people in charge, knows that when a struggling team plays a superpower they pack the midfield and defend for their lives. It makes dreadful viewing. With a seeded draw, that’s the kind of entertainment they want to export? And never mind that, who’s going to go and watch Middlesbrough against Derby, eh? Great idea, boys.
What’s the overall aim, besides making them money? To make English football popular? Well it seemed pretty popular to me when I was in The Elizabeth Hotel in Singapore last August. It took me 10 minutes to get a drink and when Arsenal scored the roof nearly caved in. It’s patronising to think that the Asian audience doesn’t really understand football and needs it rolled out in front of them like this. Most of the New Paper readers I met last year have a greater knowledge of the game than people in the UK. To think that you can present them with one tawdry game a year and they’ll splurge their life savings on official merchandise is just insulting. It’s Imperial Britain presenting the natives with trinkets and then nicking their islands.
Ignore the promises of Peter Scudamore, ignore his placations of, “it’s only one game.” Once that advertising money starts rolling in, once he starts cashing those performance bonuses, he’ll change his tune. The UK is exhausted, we can give no more money to the cause. He wants to squeeze the globe for all it has.
Behold the future! Exhausted footballers touring half-empty stadiums across the world to fulfil fixtures in a league that has lost all competitive credibility. Scudamore may believe that he’s taking us on to a higher plane, but all he’s managed to do is to show that the world that, in English football, the only thing that counts is money.
