C'mon you Blues
Manager
I really do love Ciderspace. Here' a copy of one of their pages(totally without permission of course) that I thought was pretty good. Sorry if people have already seen this or similar.
A Bluffers Guide to Communication at Huish Park
You've read the Ciderspace Bluffers Guide to Huish Park fans, now understand what it is they're actually saying... What are they on about? Huge Huish Hugh is at hand to decipher the true meaning behind some of those words of wisdom uttered around the ground, and help make sure you fit in.
It's got nil-nil written all over it.
We're cr*p. They're cr*p. It's cold. I wish I was anywhere else but here.
Oi! Fry! Get your chequebook out!
We haven't bought a player for a fortnight.
Refereee!!
Response to anything done by the man or woman in black not considered worthy of a torrent of abuse.
**** *** you ****.
Everything else the referee does.
Offside!
To be yelled every time the opposition cross the half-way line.
You're 'aving a larf, lino.
Use anytime the flag is raised when fewer than seven of your side are less than five yards offside.
Unlucky!
The terrace favourite is the only one of the twenty-two players in their half, stationary ball at his feet, two yards out from the centre of goal. He blasts it over. [As in: Unlucky Dazza!]
You couldn't hit a barn door.
The terrace whipping-boy throws himself full length at a ball fizzing across at mach 4, gets concussion from a size 12 straight in the face, breaks an arm, the ball ricochets off both posts and the bar and is scrambled off the line. He gets up and carries on. [As in: You couldn't hit a barn door, Caceres.]
N.B. It is important you get these the right way round. Any mistake and you'll find the entire ground staring at you in disdainful silence.
Off! Off! Off!
An opposition player has made a tackle.
Penalty!
Any of your team's players trips over in, or in vaguely close proximity to, the box.
Was that in the box?
If anyone needs to ask........ it wasn't.
Get a ****ing sub on, manager.
You're 1-0 down.
Get that ****ing sub on NOW, you w**ker!
You've gone another goal down.
Too bl**dy late, Johnson.
A third has gone in.
OoooooooohhhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!
Uttered by small boys and a few other cognoscenti of the beautiful game from behind the goal when the opposing keeper takes a kick.
You're sh*t, aaarrrggghhhHH!
Added to the above by small boys who have checked that their Dad has already sloped off early to join the queue for a Bovril before half-time.
She fell o-ver.
Use when an opposition player has been decapitated.
Animal! Bl**dy animal! (Alternating with "Off, off, off!.)
Use when an opposition player has helped your star striker to his feet after he has fallen over.
He mistimed that one.
One of your team has run thirty yards across the pitch to unleash a head high drop-kick at an opponent.
He's only in the side cuz he's the manager's son.......
Obviously this is reserved for Lee. Popular amongst certain little cliques. Use with care though as other areas of the ground are so p*ssed off with it someone might just punch your lights out.......and don't start whining when they do.
Fair play to the boy...........
This must always be followed by a "BUT".
He's more a positional playmaker these days.
Of an old favourite who hasn't been able to run faster than your Great Auntie for years.
Come ON, buck you're ideas up...... ("....... you ****ing waste of space" is a purely optional addition for added emphasis).
To be directed at any player in your team who hasn't scored a better goal than Michael Owen's World Cup effort in the previous two and a half minutes.
Get Gally On!
It has escaped my mind that I was having a go at him last week and telling Johnson to sell him.
Get Gally Off! He's crap!
During the last 10 minutes I've not seen Kevin beat eight players and chip the goalie from 40 yards. He's losing it badly.
Our defence are so crap today. They couldn't tackle a five-year-old.
Rose is at left-back again.
Our defence are so crap today. They're all over the shop.
No one is at left-back.
TALK TO 'IM!
Directed towards our keeper at thirty second intervals.
I was just [insert from a wide range of excuses for not watching at that particular second]. Who got it?
Uttered by 90% of the crowd to the other 10% every time a goal is scored.
We couldn't score if we played into next week.
Usually true.
There's only one team going to go on and win from here.
Spoken by ex-England managers, and countless lesser mortals on the terraces, after their team has been encamped in the opposition penalty area for fifteen minutes............. about thirty seconds before they break away and score.
Eeyore, eeyore.
Appropriate for any trivial mistake made by either side.
SHOOT!!
One of your team has possession in their half.
CLOSE 'IM DOWN!
One of their team has possession in your half.
You're all a ****ing disgrace.
To be used at any time your team is not leading by at least four clear goals.
We deserved it.
At the end of any match won.
We deserved it really.
At the end of any match lost.
If anyone deserved it, it was us.
At the end of any match drawn.
We were playing 12 men today.
The referee has sent three of their players off, awarded you four penalties and disallowed five of their "goals" but they still won 1-0.
I've paid my money.(Said with a look of triumphant smugness.)
Standard response when someone gets fed up with your constant moaning and whinging and tells you to shut it.
Right, that's it, I've had enough of this sh*t!
It's 4-4 in the Championship decider with 5 minutes to go but I want to get out of the car park early.
C'mon Yeovil, this lot are sh*t!
Yes, and we're losing to them, so what does that make us ?
Don't know why I bl**din' bother.
I'll be back next week to support the lads. See ya.
How to fill in half-time with a conversation :
Don't say: What colour are we?
Do say: Its the best/worst [according to aesthetic judgement] strip we've had since 1992. (You're quite safe. Apart from that totally hideous Ars*nal black and yellow effort and the fact that England wore red in the 1966 Final no fan in Britain can remember any kit older than last year's).
Don't say: I'm only here because my Sky dish fell off the wall and the engineers can't get round until Monday.
Do say: I hate those arm-chair Premiersh*te followers.
Don't say: I think David Beckham is unfairly treated by opposition fans, don't you?
Do say: I wonder if that Posh Spice really does take it up the ........
Don't say: It was nice to hear those jolly fellows down the other end singing in the first half. I thought they were louder than us.
Do join in: It's nice to know you're here, it's nice to know you're here, etc., ........... now F*CK OFF!
Then it's on to the next 45, and a chance to hone those ever fresh phrases to perfection.
A Bluffers Guide to Communication at Huish Park
You've read the Ciderspace Bluffers Guide to Huish Park fans, now understand what it is they're actually saying... What are they on about? Huge Huish Hugh is at hand to decipher the true meaning behind some of those words of wisdom uttered around the ground, and help make sure you fit in.
It's got nil-nil written all over it.
We're cr*p. They're cr*p. It's cold. I wish I was anywhere else but here.
Oi! Fry! Get your chequebook out!
We haven't bought a player for a fortnight.
Refereee!!
Response to anything done by the man or woman in black not considered worthy of a torrent of abuse.
**** *** you ****.
Everything else the referee does.
Offside!
To be yelled every time the opposition cross the half-way line.
You're 'aving a larf, lino.
Use anytime the flag is raised when fewer than seven of your side are less than five yards offside.
Unlucky!
The terrace favourite is the only one of the twenty-two players in their half, stationary ball at his feet, two yards out from the centre of goal. He blasts it over. [As in: Unlucky Dazza!]
You couldn't hit a barn door.
The terrace whipping-boy throws himself full length at a ball fizzing across at mach 4, gets concussion from a size 12 straight in the face, breaks an arm, the ball ricochets off both posts and the bar and is scrambled off the line. He gets up and carries on. [As in: You couldn't hit a barn door, Caceres.]
N.B. It is important you get these the right way round. Any mistake and you'll find the entire ground staring at you in disdainful silence.
Off! Off! Off!
An opposition player has made a tackle.
Penalty!
Any of your team's players trips over in, or in vaguely close proximity to, the box.
Was that in the box?
If anyone needs to ask........ it wasn't.
Get a ****ing sub on, manager.
You're 1-0 down.
Get that ****ing sub on NOW, you w**ker!
You've gone another goal down.
Too bl**dy late, Johnson.
A third has gone in.
OoooooooohhhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!
Uttered by small boys and a few other cognoscenti of the beautiful game from behind the goal when the opposing keeper takes a kick.
You're sh*t, aaarrrggghhhHH!
Added to the above by small boys who have checked that their Dad has already sloped off early to join the queue for a Bovril before half-time.
She fell o-ver.
Use when an opposition player has been decapitated.
Animal! Bl**dy animal! (Alternating with "Off, off, off!.)
Use when an opposition player has helped your star striker to his feet after he has fallen over.
He mistimed that one.
One of your team has run thirty yards across the pitch to unleash a head high drop-kick at an opponent.
He's only in the side cuz he's the manager's son.......
Obviously this is reserved for Lee. Popular amongst certain little cliques. Use with care though as other areas of the ground are so p*ssed off with it someone might just punch your lights out.......and don't start whining when they do.
Fair play to the boy...........
This must always be followed by a "BUT".
He's more a positional playmaker these days.
Of an old favourite who hasn't been able to run faster than your Great Auntie for years.
Come ON, buck you're ideas up...... ("....... you ****ing waste of space" is a purely optional addition for added emphasis).
To be directed at any player in your team who hasn't scored a better goal than Michael Owen's World Cup effort in the previous two and a half minutes.
Get Gally On!
It has escaped my mind that I was having a go at him last week and telling Johnson to sell him.
Get Gally Off! He's crap!
During the last 10 minutes I've not seen Kevin beat eight players and chip the goalie from 40 yards. He's losing it badly.
Our defence are so crap today. They couldn't tackle a five-year-old.
Rose is at left-back again.
Our defence are so crap today. They're all over the shop.
No one is at left-back.
TALK TO 'IM!
Directed towards our keeper at thirty second intervals.
I was just [insert from a wide range of excuses for not watching at that particular second]. Who got it?
Uttered by 90% of the crowd to the other 10% every time a goal is scored.
We couldn't score if we played into next week.
Usually true.
There's only one team going to go on and win from here.
Spoken by ex-England managers, and countless lesser mortals on the terraces, after their team has been encamped in the opposition penalty area for fifteen minutes............. about thirty seconds before they break away and score.
Eeyore, eeyore.
Appropriate for any trivial mistake made by either side.
SHOOT!!
One of your team has possession in their half.
CLOSE 'IM DOWN!
One of their team has possession in your half.
You're all a ****ing disgrace.
To be used at any time your team is not leading by at least four clear goals.
We deserved it.
At the end of any match won.
We deserved it really.
At the end of any match lost.
If anyone deserved it, it was us.
At the end of any match drawn.
We were playing 12 men today.
The referee has sent three of their players off, awarded you four penalties and disallowed five of their "goals" but they still won 1-0.
I've paid my money.(Said with a look of triumphant smugness.)
Standard response when someone gets fed up with your constant moaning and whinging and tells you to shut it.
Right, that's it, I've had enough of this sh*t!
It's 4-4 in the Championship decider with 5 minutes to go but I want to get out of the car park early.
C'mon Yeovil, this lot are sh*t!
Yes, and we're losing to them, so what does that make us ?
Don't know why I bl**din' bother.
I'll be back next week to support the lads. See ya.
How to fill in half-time with a conversation :
Don't say: What colour are we?
Do say: Its the best/worst [according to aesthetic judgement] strip we've had since 1992. (You're quite safe. Apart from that totally hideous Ars*nal black and yellow effort and the fact that England wore red in the 1966 Final no fan in Britain can remember any kit older than last year's).
Don't say: I'm only here because my Sky dish fell off the wall and the engineers can't get round until Monday.
Do say: I hate those arm-chair Premiersh*te followers.
Don't say: I think David Beckham is unfairly treated by opposition fans, don't you?
Do say: I wonder if that Posh Spice really does take it up the ........
Don't say: It was nice to hear those jolly fellows down the other end singing in the first half. I thought they were louder than us.
Do join in: It's nice to know you're here, it's nice to know you're here, etc., ........... now F*CK OFF!
Then it's on to the next 45, and a chance to hone those ever fresh phrases to perfection.
