Half-Term Report Feature

[Slipperduke]

You lot were such a rich furrow to plough for the World Cup feature, that I thought I'd come back again. This time I'm doing a typical half-time report on the Premier$hite and I need to know:

The Best 5 Purchases

The Worst 5 Purchases

The Worst 5 Haircuts


Please be aware that any nice turns of phrase or beautiful sections of prose may well get lifted entirely and reproduced in a national newspaper across the sea.

The best and most original single answer will win a prize*


* - I don't know the state of the prize cupboard though. It could be anything from FM2006 to Jimmy Hill's Guide To Left-Backs Of The 1960s

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

The Best Purchases must surely all be down to Arsene Wenger (well Arsenal anyway):

Dennis Bergkamp from Inter for £7.5M

Nicolas Anelka for 0.5M, sold 12 months later to Real for £21M

Patrick Vieira from AC Milan for £4M, some would argue he won trophies on his own.

Teddy Sheringham to Man U 3.5M, and won the champions league as a sub!


In contrast the Worst 5 Purchases must be largely thanks to Leeds United and David O'Leary


Djibril Cisse has to be inthe worst hair cuts.

 

[Slipperduke]

Should have specified. The answers must be from 05-06 season!

Rest assured, Cisse is a shoe-in!

 

[C C Csiders]

I'll steer clear of the haircuts, but give my opinion on the best 5 and worst 5 purchases, so far in the Premier$hite in 05/06.

Top 5 Purchases

1. Pascal Chimbonda (Wigan). He has been an inspirational figure at left-back in Wigan's excellent start to the season. A rock defensively, and exciting coming forward (with goals to add), I would not be surprised to see him come close to the France squad for the World Cup

2. Stephane Henchoz (Wigan). A free transfer, and his extensive Premier$hite experience has ben invaluable in the virginal Wigan squad's rise. He has formed a strong alliance at the heart of the defence with Arjan De Zeeuw.

3. Chris Powell (Charlton). Still one of the best Engliah left-backs in his mid-thirties. Signed on a free from newly promoted West Ham, and this has proved immensely valuable, particularly in Charlton's excellent early season form.

4. Peter Crouch (Liverpool). Crouch has added an extra dimesion to Liverpool's attack, and despite the lack of goals his presence has panicked Premier$hite and Champions League defences. Goals are now being added to his armoury, and he is a certainty to go to Germany in the England World Cup squad.

5. Darius Vassell (Manchester City). Has formed an excellent partnership with Andy Cole, which has seen City's best start to a top-flight season for years. Stuart Pearce has seemingly got the best out of him, and at £2 million his fee seems a snip.

Worst 5 Purchases

1. Abel Xavier (Middlesbrough). Four appearnces, and a drugs bust. 18 month ban, 'nuff said.

2. Shaun Wright-Phillips. A fee of £21 million and only 5 Premier$hite starts at approximately £4 million a game. Has not figured promisingly in any of these games either. A trip to Germany in the summer must now be a huge doubt.

3. Milan Baros (Aston Villa). How Villa must now think they should have held on to Darius Vassell. Baros has been very poor, in a very poor team.

4. Andy O'Brien (Portsmouth). Somehow Portsmouth coughed up £2 million for a defender from Newcastle who was kept out of the Magpies starting line-up bt Titus Bramble - need any more be said?

5. Nuno Valente (Everton). Came to Everton with a large reputation, built from appearnces for the Portugeuse national team. Valente certainly has not justified the £1.5 million price tag, and his defensive frailities have been exposed in a rag-tag Everton side that may yet, finally, fall throuh the relegation trap-door.

 

[Slipperduke]

Nice work CC. An early contender for the prize there.

 

[C C Csiders]

Had a chance to think about the barnets now, and initially I thought, like you that Djibril Cisse was a shoe-in. However, I think he should be excluded from the top 5 as he changes the crop week-by-week seemingly, and I think that there should be a qualification period to be considered a true hair-do, of at least one month. So with the excluded Cisse my top 5 bad haircuts (if that is not an oxymoron) are:

1. Graham Kavanagh (Wigan). A bizaare combination of a grey-haired crew-cut, with seemingly, four heavily gelled two inch spikes at the front. He looks like a dodgy sad geezer, going down to Tots for Grab-a Granny night.

2. Morten Gamst Pedersen (Blackburn). An A-Ha throwback haircut. I can only assume that the early 80's Simon MacCorkindale look must still be the fashion in Norway.

3. Wes Brown (Man U). The ginger dreadlocked plaits look will never (ever) work!

4. Abel Xavier (Middlesbrough). That hair looked fun in 1999 - it doesn't anymore. Anyway, he now has 18 months in which to do something with it.

5. Gary Neville (Man U). Doesn't he wake up in the morning and say, God! I have had the same hair-do for 12 years, and it wasn't fashionable then, and it isn't now, and it never will be! You couldn't buy a syrup to look as bad as that barnet.

 

[Guest]

Quote[/b] (Shrimper2thecore @ Dec. 21 2005,10:21)]Dennis Bergkamp from Inter for £7.5M

Bruce Rioch signed Bergkamp.

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Quote[/b] (Guest @ Dec. 21 2005,11:51)]

Quote[/b] (Shrimper2thecore @ Dec. 21 2005,10:21)]Dennis Bergkamp from Inter for £7.5M

Bruce Rioch signed Bergkamp.

I know thats why i said : Arsene Wenger (well Arsenal anyway)

 

[Slipperduke]

Lovely stuff so far. Polling on the best is now closed. I've gone for Parker/Chimbonda/Reina/Bent/Gabbidon.

 

[canveyshrimper]

Top 5 buys

Darren Bent - Charlton -Great start to the season, when he was scoring for fun, and forced his way into the England squad. Slumped a bit with Charltons recent poor run.

Edgar Davids - Tottenham - Helping to turn Tottenham into a potential top 4 side. Free transfer.

Anthony Gabbidon - West Ham - prrof positive that there are a lot of good players in the Football League ready to make the step up.

Scott Parker - Newcastle - Another that disappeared into the black hole at Chelsea. Rejuvanted at Newcastle, scores goals, and an outside bet for Englands World Cup squad.

Andy Cole - Manchester City - A provem Prem goalscorer, and a snip from Fulham. Forged an excellent partnership with Darius Vassel.

5 Bad Buys

Sander Westerveld - Portsmouth - No good at Liverpool, and did not improve in Spain. soon relegated to the bench at Portsmouth as another dodgy Perrin signing.

Andy van der Meyde - Everton - seems to be permanently on the sick list, with various ailments and injuries.

Milan Baros - Aston Villa - The expression cows arses and banjo's comes to mind.

Laurent Robert - Portsmouth - Complete waste of space at Newcastle, always plenty to say about how good he is with the end result that none of his team mates will pass to him.

Jermain Pennant - Birmingham - another who just can't stay out of trouble. Rewards the faith if Steve Bruce by turning up tired and emotional at training.

Dodgy barnets.

Djibril Cisse - already mentioned as a shoe in.

Harry Kewell - Liverpool - Some people start to look like their pets, he is starting to look like his wife.

Peter Crouch - Liverpool - Hair sculpted by a pick axe.

Robbie Savage - Say no more.

Ivan Campo - Bolton - Probably has seagulls nesting in that lot. He flies to Spain every 3 weeks or so to his barber as he does not trust the barbers in Bolton. He should have gone to Specsavers first.

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Dec. 21 2005,12:03)]Lovely stuff so far. Polling on the best is now closed. I've gone for Parker/Chimbonda/Reina/Bent/Gabbidon.

In which case you have had a mare!!

Michael Owen has scored 7 in 8 starts, and Newcastle comparison with and without his is extrordinary!!!

Also Arjan De Zeeuw has to be in there.

Parker is a bad choice

Also yossi Benayoun has done more for west ham than Gabbidon

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

As for worst buys:

Abel Xavier - As has been said

Everton's big name **** ups - Nuno valente and Andy Van der Meyde, buy players not names!!

Mikael Forssell, only signed by Birmingham this year, and has done nothing!!!

Laurent Robert - pain in the arse

Park - hes crap

Bad Hair :

Cisse, Xavier, Campo, Savage, Brown

 

[Slipperduke]

Going to have to disagree with you there. Parker has been magnificent for the Barcodes, Owen has been great, but it was for £17m, so not really a best buy in the traditional sense. De Z and Henchoz have been fantastic, but it's Chimbonda who caught the imagination. Gabbidon has been a rock for the Hammers while Youssi has been exciting, but not always consistent.

Still, that's what these things are about isn't it?!

 

[Slipperduke]

And the winner is.... C C Csiders. ta very muchly. Can't show the whole thing, but here's a taster. Drop me a message and I'll get your address and send you something in the post.

Milan Baros always insisted that his spell at Liverpool was hindered by the fact that he never got a regular run in the first team. Koppites might argue that he was hindered more by the fact that he's rubbish at football. Still, his perpetual whining finally got him the transfer he wanted; a move to Aston Villa and the chance to be a constant spearhead of a Premier$hite attack. Naturally, he's been absolutely awful, continually running into crowded channels and peppering the far-flung reaches of the Holte End with one aimless shot after another. And he looks like an ugly girl…

 

[C C Csiders]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Dec. 21 2005,15:41)]And the winner is.... C C Csiders. ta very muchly. Can't show the whole thing, but here's a taster. Drop me a message and I'll get your address and send you something in the post.

Milan Baros always insisted that his spell at Liverpool was hindered by the fact that he never got a regular run in the first team. Koppites might argue that he was hindered more by the fact that he's rubbish at football. Still, his perpetual whining finally got him the transfer he wanted; a move to Aston Villa and the chance to be a constant spearhead of a Premier$hite attack. Naturally, he's been absolutely awful, continually running into crowded channels and peppering the far-flung reaches of the Holte End with one aimless shot after another. And he looks like an ugly girl…

PM on its way!

 

[Slipperduke]

Nice one CC. There's a copy of FM2006 in the post!