Friday Jokes

[toellandback]

A new Major gets posted out in the desert. He notices that the troops keep a camel on base. He asks a Sergeant about it who explains that the troops have certain urges and need the camel to help satisfy them. The Major is a little disgusted but lets it slip so as not to upset moral.

A few months later the Major himself is desperate for sex so he gives in. He takes a ladder out in the middle of the night and has sex with the camel. The Sergeant comes running out and asks what on earth he is doing. The major tells him that he was desperate…






The Sergeant then explains that the troops use the camel to ride to the nearest town to find a girl!

 

[toellandback]

Two Welshmen walking down the street when they come across a pride of lions.

First one picks up a half brick and chucks it right at them, then scurries up a lampost, shouting 'Quick mate, climb up here!' Second one shouts after him 'Why? I didn't throw it.'

 

[MK Shrimper]

The first one is older than Cricko's y-fronts!

 

[toellandback]

The first one is older than Cricko's y-fronts!

I challenge you to do better than :p

 

[sufc_tom]

I got a new car stereo today, it's voice activated.
I shout Country it plays Dolly Parton, I shout Rock it plays Guns and Roses.
Anyway I was driving through through town the other day and some little s**t ran out in front of me, I shouthed "f**king kids!!" and it played Gary Glitter!

 

[sufc_tom]

People have often criticised me for not liking foreign food, but it's not true. I love Korean meat balls, infact I think they're the dogs bollocks!

 

[toellandback]

After getting all of Pope John Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light),
the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches.

But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"











Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[sufc_tom]

Zeus the Greek God was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked and alone washing herself. He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In 9 months you will have a baby boy and you will call him Hercules!"
She dressed herself, smiled elegantly and replied "In 9 days you will have a rash andyou will call it Herpes."

:D

 

[davewebbsbrain]

What's Grey and comes in pints.....





























An Elephant!

 

[chadded]

Whats good about fingering a gypsy on her period?
















You get your palm red for free.

 

[canveyshrimper]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto are riding across the plain in the Wild West, when Tonto dismounts from his horse and places his ear to the ground, he holds his hand up and says.

"Buffalo come"

The Lone Ranger says "That's incredible old budday, can you feel the vibration of their hooves?"

"No, ear stuck to ground"

:D

 

[sufc_tom]

How do you make a Hormone??


















Don't Pay Her!!

 

[sufc_tom]

Chelsea's 2008/2009 sponsor is going to be 'Pampers' . It is said that the sponsor has been carefully chosen to represent the team.......
S**t at the back and p!ss up front.

 

[The Big Shrimp]

Why do elephants have four feet?












Coz they'd look silly with 6 inches!

 

[Benfleet A1]

Why do elephants have four feet?
Coz they'd look silly with 6 inches!

It's time for the classic elephant jokes

How many elephants can you get in a mini?
4- two in the front, two in the back

How does a elephant hide in a cherry tree?
He paints his balls red

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries

How do you know when a elephant has been in the fridge?
A footprint in the butter

How do you know when two elephants have been in the fridge?
Two footprints in the butter

How do you know when three elephants have been in the fridge?
You can't shut the door

And how do you know when four elephants have been in the fridge?






























There's a mini parked outside. :cool:

 

[A Century United]

What do you call a Judge with no fingers?
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Justice Thumbs

 

[jassyfa1]

I have been banned by the local casino as I mistook what the crap table was for.

 

[Hotman]

Did you hear about the man who took a coach load of Japanese hostage?

Police have 10,000 pictures of him

 

[Hotman]

Did you hear about the chinese lookalike competition?
Everybody won!

 

[Hotman]

Did you hear about the 9 year old African boy?

He was having a mid life crisis