Friday Funny

Firestorm · Mar 9, 2007

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into ASDA with her
> two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
> the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
ASDA,
> nice
> children you've got there. Are they twins?"
> The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
> "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest
is
> seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you
> really think they look alike, you ****head?"
> "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
> would shag you twice!"

Spaceman Spiff · Mar 9, 2007

Try this one...

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not
a Bacon Tree!"

...

...

...

...

"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

The Artful Shrimper · Mar 9, 2007

Bob came home from the pub late one Friday evening Pi$$ed immaculate, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave her a quick fumble before she pushed him away and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Bob, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Bob was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Bob was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Bob, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Bob
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Bob, wake up you drunken b@stard, you're sh!tting the bed!